I’ve never seen a person look so destroyed. I stare at her from the other side of this thin glass. Her whole family is crying, her brother is holding her, she’s crying even harder. I remember when my father died, I remember when Spencer held me, I remember crying in her arms, I remember feeling safe and loved as she whispered in my ear. I wish I could hold her now, as she stares at her brother’s dead body, I wish I could be that comfort she needs, but there’s something holding me back. I stagger backwards and look away. The hospital is in total chaos, people that I see everyday, in the halls at school, our coming in on stretchers.

Aiden.

He came in on one. There was blood, so much blood, is he alive? God I hope so. My head feels light headed, I move to a nearby chair and collapse in it. Kyla is talking to Madison, they’re both crying. I reach up and feel my face. It’s dry. Maybe I’m too in shock to cry, am I sad? Am I crazy? Am I numb? I look up and see Spencer through the glass.

No.

I’m not numb. The pain in my chest is proof of that. I wish she’d look at me, I wish I could tell her how much I love her, how bad I want to hold her, kiss her face, lips, murmur in her ear, love her. But I can’t. Her family has her, they’re holding her, telling her how much they love her, how everything is going to be okay.

Can I give her that? Can I guarantee everything will be okay? 

No.

I can’t predict the future, I can’t comprehend my feelings, I can’t do anything right. I couldn’t even tell Aiden I loved Spencer. That nothing in the world could convince me to leave her. She sacrificed everything for me. Why couldn’t I do the same for her?

Aiden.

I can’t be in love with you. I have Spencer. She’s my world, she’s everything to me, I can’t be with you Aiden. I can’t ever be with you. Why couldn’t I tell you that? Maybe it would have changed something, anything. Maybe Clay would still be alive, maybe Spencer would be in my arms, maybe you’d be here. I look at Spencer. She’s walking out of the room, her make up is smeared down her cheeks. I get up and walk over to her. My feet freeze inches away from her. She looks at me. God she looks so tired. “Spencer.” I say and she cries all over again in my arms. “I’m so sorry Spencer. I’m so sorry…” My eyes close as the tears finally fall. I stroke her hair and kiss her temple. “For everything Spencer.”