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    Uncivil Union – (Chapter: What?)

    Story written on September 25, 2008 by goaskalice.
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    Genre(s): N/A
    Rating: N/A
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    Number of Comments: 13
    Words: 2080
    Story Shortlink: https://lesfan.com/?p=18872
    Author Notes:

    Court is now in session.

    ASHLEY:

     

    (Three Weeks Later)

     

     

    Finally, finally, finally, finally.

    Finally.

    I swear to God this broad had left over ten-million messages on my phone threatening to “skin me alive” and “torture me in this life and the next” if I missed this hearing. As if I wanted to wake up every morning with an inbox full of death threats.

    That’s not the way I like to start my day, ok?

    I prefer a big mug of coffee, an hour of cartoons, a bagel with two pieces of vegan bacon, and a hug—from my vibrator.

    But lately it was more like a marathon of angry Spencer voicemails and perfectly spelled, perfectly punctuated text messages. No smiley faces. No hearts. Just pure, unjustified venom and the occasional “please” or “thank you.” Though I’d been doubting the sincerity of those salutations.

    But finally after three weeks, I could go back to masturbating in peace because some judge was about to let me out of this mess. That is, if I didn’t fall asleep through all this pretentious “all rise for the honorable blah…blah…blah” and the “this is case number blah…blah…blah on the docket blah…blah…please take your blah…blah…blah.” All I needed for this dude to do was get to the part where he says, “Ashley Davies, you are now free to go and live your life without this blonde bitch’s abrasive messages. Also, you’re pretty fucking hot. Court is adjourned.”

    That’s what I needed to hear. Then I could put Spencer Carlin and that giant mistake of a night behind me and concentrate on my new job and the meaningless groupie sex that went along with it. You know. The same sex that I had been going without for the past three weeks.

    Yeah that’s right. I know how to use “Google” too and so I looked up this legal stuff. Turns out if you cheat on your wife—even if she’s a bitch and a bad decision—then you could end up paying alimony or some shit.

    I know what you’re thinking.

    How would she know if you were cheating on her?

    She just would. I can’t explain it, guys. She just would. She somehow knew to call every single time I was about to go out to the bar or call up an old “friend” for a night of fun or even put new batteries in my vibrator.

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    Comments

    1. Every single time, you have me cracking up. I love this story more and more with each chapter. And I have to say a pissed off Spencer is hot. Fantabulous update. PMASAP!!!

    2. oh my fucken god dude i haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! i swear every sentence had me busting out. honestly i don’t think i could even pick out a fave line, the whole thing was just awesome. it was simply amazing, ingenious, fantastic! cannot and i mean CANNOT wait for more!!!!

    7. Yep, laugh out loud funny! Very angry and very hot…good combo! Ashley’s in for a rough ride if that’s anything to go by!….Anyway it was great as usual and can’t wait for the next one.

    8. bahaha, that was hilarious. I’ve never seen the movie but this story is awesome. As for your writing, I really like the sharpness and wit, and it has a really easy flow. pms!

    11. ur a card…dude…I’m a CSI agent and I hate CSI: Miami and N.Y. they suck. I do like the Vegas one, hmmm…go figure “What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas.” Cheers mate…a gabillion stars for ya…

    12. wow i was wow that was amazing im laughing so hard i was wondering if this is based on ‘what happened in vegas’how are you going to pull off the scean where ashton peed in the sink i would love to see how you pull that off wow i cant picture ashley peeing in the sink but i cant wait to see what you do so please pms from your biggest fan jazziejazz :)

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