Ch. 12
Ashley’s POV:
It’s been at least 2 weeks. TWO hellish, miserable, torturous weeks. I think I’m going to kill something if I don’t get any soon, so Spencer better hold on tight to little Blinky in case I snap. I rolled out of bed to the sound of our stupid house phone ringing. “Our wedding planner called and asked us where we want our wedding and all that good stuff.” I muttered, checking our messages this morning. “Any ideas?” I asked, pouring her a cup of coffee. Spencer came out of the bedroom and set Blinky down on the floor and frowned. “Look, Ash… have you ever thought about how we’re going to get my mother to go to our wedding without trying to shoot us?” My half smile immediately turned into a scowl. “I don’t know…I mean, maybe your dad and your brothers can convince her.” Truthfully, I couldn’t care less about Paula and what she thought…but that’s not something I can say to Spencer. Spencer sighed. “I really want her to come, Ash…I really want her to approve of us.” I flinched. Getting Paula to tolerate us was already going to take one hell of a spectacular miracle, don’t even talk to me about getting to her to approve of us…at least in this lifetime. I stared down at my coffee, noticing the swirls of cream floating around. “How are we ever gonna get that done.” I murmured dejectedly. So much for happiness, rainbows, and sunshine. “Do you want to talk to her?” I asked. “No.” Spencer sighed, looking away. “Why not? How do you want to approach her then?” “If we tell her we’re going to get married, she’s going to be even angrier and ask us why we even came because it’ll be like we’re going to get married with or without her approval.” I fought the urge to snarl “WHO EFFING CARES ABOUT YOUR MOM AND HER APPROVAL?!” I felt my jaw slacken as I fought back the anger welling up inside of me. “So are you saying if she were to say no you don’t want to marry me?” I hissed dangerously. “Is that it, Spencer? Or are you just looking for an excuse not to marry me anymore.” I said bitterly. Spencer looked at me with teary eyes full of hurt. “Ashley, you know that I love you and that I do want to marry you more than anything!” She said incredulously. I snorted. “Then why does your mom’s approval have to stand in the way?” I pointed out. “Because me and you getting married is something really special and important, Ash!” I shook my head. “So that means your mom automatically has to ruin it, right?” I sneered. “Ash!” “No, listen, Spencer- what do you want? I’m not stupid, ok? I know there is no way in hell Paula is going to be all ‘Yay GAY!’ You know she won’t approve.” Spencer stared down at her feet. I shook my head, feeling hot, angry tears stream down my face. “You don’t want to marry me, do you?” I asked in a soft, broken voice. “I just think that maybe we should …take a break …figure things out.” She said. I threw my mug into the sink, making it shatter into a thousand little shards. “Ashley, please- I love you; it’s just… I really want her approval; I want her to be happy for us when we finally do get married!” “That is, if we ever do.” I said cynically. I was beyond mad, beyond devastated. “You want to take a break.” I said quietly. “Just for now, Ashley, please, understand me- I love you, you’re my everything, we will get married eventually!” she pleaded. “Bull fucking shit.” I growled, taking my keys off the hook and slamming the door shut, storming down the stairs to my car.
Sunglasses don’t really hide the fact that you’re crying your eyes out. I figured this out when I donned my sunglasses on my face and realized that I indeed, still looked like a mess. I had nowhere to go, nobody to see. I flew by everyone else on the freeway; I didn’t even bother to look at the speedometer and realize how badly I was speeding. It’s funny how your life can come undone in the span of one little morning; only last night Spencer and I had been together and everything was fine…I had told her how I planned on buying her a pug to go with Blinky since Spencer loved pugs. I sighed, turning on the radio. Mariah Carey’s song “We Belong Together” came on immediately. “Ugh!” I growled in disgust, turning off the radio altogether. I think radio stations conspire with one another to play the most saddening break up songs once they find out you’ve had a breakup. I drove for hours, aimlessly down the freeway until I realized I was in San Diego, of all places. I pulled up to the Sheraton there and decided to stay for the night, possibly longer. Home was not really home anymore since Spencer and I were basically through. I knew that we were never going to get married if our marriage rested on Paula’s approval, and Spencer didn’t want to be with me until Paula approved. That basically spelled ultimate breakup. She could keep my condo for all I cared. I wasn’t coming back. At least until I could somewhat pull myself together. I had a feeling that was going to take quite a while. All this time I really believed that Spencer wanted to be with me, that she was ready to be with me despite whatever Paula thought. Maybe it’s not that easy, I admit that I wouldn’t know. I don’t exactly have a ‘family’ besides Kyla. But still…I thought she loved me enough to endure Paula and her homophobia. Guess I was wrong. I had left my cell phone at home. Good. There was no way she could reach me now; I didn’t want to hear her sorry apologies, her pleas for me to understand her and come back home. There was no way in hell I was coming home to heartbreak. Spencer was the source of my heartbreak and heartache; there was no way I was going to come back to her and get hurt even more…assuming that was possible. I flopped down on the bed, exhausted. I buried my face in the pillows and choked back a pathetic sob. Life suddenly seemed rather bleak without Spencer Carlin in my life.

We’ve been together for years now…and in the span of a few hours…we’re suddenly not anymore. I don’t get it. What prompted her to break us…to break my heart? There’s no way she can me to ‘understand’ why we have to break up over Paula approving of us. That’s never been an issue before… maybe it was something else…I’ve really tried my best to be the perfect girlfriend towards Spencer, but it’s just not enough I guess…something’s missing, because why else would she leave me? I’m in shock from what happened this morning; I can’t even breakdown and cry myself blind at the moment. There’s a point where you’re beyond heartbroken…when you yourself is what’s broken. Not just your heart. Spencer broke my entire being when she broke up with me this morning. I’m not myself anymore, I can feel it. I am…empty. I’m a shell of the person I used to be. I flipped through tv channels and then opened up my laptop. An email popped up from Kyla, who works with me at our production company. “Flyleaf might want to sign a contract with us soon- I’m flying to New York to go meet them; wanna come with?” I sat there for a few minutes before emailing her back telling her I’d go with her. I had nothing and nobody to leave behind now. Maybe I could restart my life in New York. Or what’s left of my life.