It was 4:30 in the morning and I was up watching her sleep. I was having an internal battle. Last night was the first night in 4 months that we had talked about everything that had happened between us. She showed up on my door step after all this time to "make things right." There were tears, there was yelling and there was regret. Her regretting the fact that she left me here for 3 months, on my own, because she was scared of commitment and me regretting the fact that I didn’t fight harder to keep her, to make her realize that she was it for me. We had made progress in those few hours we talked but now I wasn’t so sure myself and I sure as hell knew I wasn’t ready to go through the 3 months of heart ache I went through again. Yes, I had done my share of shit in our relationship but in the end, she was the one to give up and leave, taking the easy way out. She told me that she was here to stay this time but I didn’t know if i could trust her. Ashley had made so many promises before and condemned them all to hell when she left me to go to Ireland. Yeah I loved her, so much that it scared the shit out of me but the day that she left I became a shell of the person I use to be. I didn’t want to go to that place ever again.

I threw the covers off of me and placed my feet on the cold hardwood floor. She stirred as I got out of bed and went over to my laptop. I sat down in the chair in front of it, pulled out a pen and piece of paper from the drawer, and began to write. I wrote everything I felt and everything I was afraid of in that letter. How I wasn’t sure , How I didn’t know if I could trust her with my heart again, every conviction I had in my body. I wrote and wrote until I felt I had been drained of all words. When done, I glanced at my clock. The red words read 5:15 and I folded the letter, placing it back on the table. Ashley was still very much asleep so I proceeded to the closet  and put on some clothes. I then grabbed my duffle bag and put every single article of clothing I had in the house into it. I went around the house grabbing things I knew were mine, placing them in the duffle bag as well.

I knew it was probably a shitty way to leave things but I knew if I stayed I’d let her get to me and make her think everything was ok when it wasn’t. I sat on the edge of the bed and put on my shoes and when I was done i grabbed my phone, my keys, and threw my duffle bag over my shoulder. I placed the letter on the pillow next to my sleeping beauty and exited the room. I made my way down the stairs and out the front door, feeling myself deflate with every step I took. I opened the passenger side of my jeep and put my duffle bag in, closing the door. I walked around the car and got in but not before glancing up at her bedroom window, the bedroom where we had shared so many memories. Although I was leaving when I didn’t want to, I knew it was something I had to do. To get my head and my heart together. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. I then started the car, knowing I was trying to drag this out but only making it worse because the time was withering and with every minute i stalled it was a minute closer to her waking up. I put the car in drive and pressed on the gas, driving away from her house and pushing her out of my life.