Spencer and I had just pulled on to the 10 freeway and it was silent. We hadn’t said much to each other except for the simple "hey how are you? how have you been?" It was a little dance we were playing and I hoped the rest of our drive didn’t go that way. Every now and then I would take my eyes off the road and glance at her. I could tell she was thinking about something, having an internal battle, and most likely it was about her and I.

"What are you thinking?" I asked her with a genuine smile and she returned it.

"Oh nothing." She simply said but I knew she was lying. There was another moment of silence as she had shot my question down.

"Us." She said out loud and I glanced at her again.

"I was thinking about us and whether I want to do it again, you know be in a relationship with you." I swallowed hard fearing what was to come. I knew where she stood and I also knew she said it was all up to me and whether I could be woman enough and grow up.

"Did you read my letter?" She asked me and all I did was nod to answer her question. Then I had to speak up.

"You know you didn’t have to write me a letter. We could have spoken about your doubts in person once I woke up." I said and out of my peripherals I saw her roll her eyes. Maybe not a wise thing to say.

"Oh you mean like you did? How you talked out your doubts with me and didn’t run half way across the country or whatever? At least I gave you a letter which is more than I can say you did for me." She finished. She had a point. Scratch that she had a major point. When I left I didn’t give her anything. No heads up just a ‘good-bye baby, i’m moving across the country and i’m not taking you with me.’ I guess I got a taste of my own medicine so to speak. Which I agree, I deserved every ounce of the awful tasting shit.

"I know. I am in no place to judge what you did. I’m sorry." I said, not wanting to make matters worse. I was trying to get her back not push her away even futher with my bad case of foot in the mouth. There was silence again and I could see that it was starting to become routine in the conversation. So I decided to just let her think on the drive over to the beach. IT would give her time enough to make her decision and since there was silence, that piercing silence that made your ears ring and with tension you could cut with a butter knife, I turned on the radio. MetroStation’s Kelsey was playing and I hummed along to the song, replacing the words in my head from I’ll swim the ocean for you whoa kelsey, to whoa spencer. Because truth is, I would swim the ocean for her, she was my everything and if in some way I did lose her I don’t know what I would do.