Spencer, the misanthrope and the imbecile

               The darker the dream, the deeper you hide it. It can come from nothing like a big bang, its own living thing. It is a parasite, germ, or even seed of something greater. A thought taking a life of its own that takes hold of your wasted insides and snakes like thick vines through crushing heart and bone. Whatever made your stable and loving down to powder resting in the weight of ‘It’. The dark dreams latch you down deep inside yourself forming dark roots. Long enough ‘It’ festers and ‘It’ will start to grow out of you from your skin metaphorical, and your mouth literal. The way you treat and speak to people gives you personality, and that is the first to go.

                Like, letting your freak flag fly although not really wanting to hoist it. Unable to control it and it is so quiet a mutiny you are confused as to how it happened. All coming down to that little parasitic thought, the living seed, and cancerous growth, that is now out of control.

               ‘It’ changes how you are perceived forever. ‘It’ changes how you see yourself. Changes you to the point where you do not even remember who you were before, and the worst part is…No one ever sees that forgotten dream that made you what you are. All hidden away and something to be ashamed of and you become ashamed of yourself.

                ‘It’ becomes you, and the scariest thing is that you might not try to hide it anymore.

                My life had turned into a nightmare.

                Even now as I watch her step around me quiet and stiff, I watch her like a rabid animal, easily frightened by any sudden movement or slight change in emotional state. All those dark impulses I have cultivated in a short time to make me sensitively aware to anyone’s line of bullshit. The stink coming from Ashley’s line was enough to choke anyone out with half-proper wits.

                ‘Play nice’ says her luscious mouth but I could tell behind that melancholy woeful performance and subsequent dizzy smile after acceptance was blaring the alarm ‘Danger ahead.’

                God help me, but I smiled back at her not trying in any way to fuck around with Ashley like she was with me, but because ‘It’ was making me. Just like watching a movie. You know it is fake but for that short time, you are engrossed, and you believe that it could be real. Something inside me, that weird part that I have not fully accepted that makes me want Ashley Davies so bad is telling me ‘believe.’ And was telling me, ‘Indulgence in a fantasy cannot be so bad…Right?’