17. Choices

I was alone. It was cold, dark, and damp. From some distant and obscure location, I heard the faint drip of water. I was terrified, and enraged. I waited to hear if anyone was coming. I heard nothing beyond the steady rhythm of the water. I wondered how long I would have to be in this hole…

     I opened my eyes. I was lying on my side, facing the immense window of our bedroom. My eyes surveyed the length of the expanse of the landscape, and I was aware of details that I never thought would be possible for me to see. At the top of a tall distant pine, I saw a nest of bald eagle chicks, being fed by their mother. Running across a mountain slope was a herd of deer. I counted three females, two fawns, and a single stag. As I pondered the view, I couldn’t remember why I was here, only that I felt safe, and secure. I liked the feeling.

Then too quickly, I began to remember the hunt, and the mountain lion. My heart felt a pain of regret as I remember the limp, still animal. I began to analyze the hunt; I suddenly remember the events leading up to it. My behavior in Carlisle’s study, the way I had treated Edward and Carlisle. I remembered the way I felt when I screamed at Edward to keep away, as though he were an obstacle instead of my husband. My need to feed had been stronger and more powerful than my love for him and it broke my heart. I suddenly pictured Bree in my mind, only it wasn’t Bree’s face I saw, it was mine. I buried my face in my hands and whispered through silent tears, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

     I felt his hands caress my shoulders, pull me back gently against his chest, and engulf me in his arms. I turned my body and buried myself in his embrace. I couldn’t look at him, not yet. I had so much to regret, so much to feel guilty for, I couldn’t find a place to start to make up for it.  Edward held me without saying a word. He moved his hands gently across my back, comforting the monster that didn’t deserve it. Every time I thought about breaking my silence, a lump formed in my throat, and I couldn’t bring myself to speak. It seemed a very long time before I was even able to look at Edward. I pulled my head away from his chest and looked up into his waiting eyes. His face looking at me showed no signs of recriminations. I knew he would not judge me that he would understand more than anyone could. However, it didn’t change the devastating guilt I felt for how I had acted. I knew he wanted me to talk to him, to put his mind at ease, that I was ok. His eyes were pleading for me to give that assurance. I loved looking into his eyes; they held me as though they were a safety net, encompassing me about with a feeling that only came when I looked at him. He smiled cautiously at me, as though trying to make sure I recognized him.