Worth The Wait

She hadn’t heard their voices in days and it was a welcome reprieve. She knew how much they hated her thoughts, but for her it was different, the only female sharing the same collective mind as 5 males, adolescent males at that, was difficult. It was so much harder for her. They never understood her anger, her bitterness. But she had to admit, being in Jacob’s pack made things much easier.

There were still many things she was bitter about. Being the only female. Actually, being the first female really put a thorn in her paw. She had no idea what to expect. All the unanswered questions made her uneasy all the time. Was she able to have children? Was she able to imprint? Each day the answers seemed more and more obvious and that scared the hell out of her.

She hadn’t changed in 3 days, that’s why she had had so much peace. If she wasn’t in her wolf form, then her thoughts were her own. It had been 10 years since the showdown in the meadow. They had continued their relentless protection of La Push and Forks, never sure when the Volturi would be back for Nessie. Considering almost everyone had imprinted, the need to grow old was starting to weigh down on most of the members.

Except her. She grew more sullen and angry each day. 10 years of wondering, watching as both Seth and Jacob found happiness, unable to be truly happy for them. She supposed it was her own self pity but she couldn’t control it. She just wanted to survive now. It was beyond the point of hope. She was never going to have the things the other members of the pack were given. She had to accept that. She just didn’t have to be happy about it.

About 5 years ago, when Seth imprinted, she moved to a small house on the edge of La Push. The reality of it was that she wanted to move out of Washington altogether but knew that, being what she was, she could never do that, so she moved as far from the pack as she could. It was a tiny two bedroom house with the forest in her backyard. The one small pleasure she allowed herself was the open wilderness surrounding her home. She was able to run free and not worry about anything. Those were the times when the pack preferred her because she would stop thinking and just be. She hadn’t been able to do that in 2 months. Not since she found out that Sam and Emily were going to have their second child. Her pain over Sam had abated greatly over the last ten years but that never stopped her jealousy or her self loathing.