Tina, I love you so much! I dont know how it got to the point it did. But I think it started when we decided to start our family. We were wrong Tina, not in wanting to start a family, but in the way we went about it.

Bette, I..

No Tina, I need to get this out. Please let me talk and then you can say whatever you want to in response. I need to not only say this to you, but to hear myself say it. Unless you are not ready to hear this, please let me continue.

No, Im ready. Ill hold my comments. Please continue.

We should have continued on with our lives and just made more time for each other and starting our family. Instead, we totally changed everything about our lives. You stopped working. I know this was difficult for you because it took away from you something that you needed, your independence. You totally turned yourself over to me, and our lives changed because of that. I loved it, or so I thought. Unfortunately, I didnt realize the sacrifice you were making for us. I started to feel like I was responsible for everything. I felt such pressure knowing that not only did I have to be totally financially responsible for myself, but now for you and the child we were hoping to bring into the world.

Then all ***** started breaking loose at work. I almost didnt have a show for the public. I pushed my will on everyone at the Museum in demanding that we show Provocations. I cancelled the other show, which I considered boring, and then was almost not able to obtain the show I had insisted on. I was totally out of control, Tina. I didnt want to compromise on anything. I was running headlong into disaster and was not able to control myself, and you know what a control freak I am. Things were just falling apart. If I lost this job, there would be no way of supporting the family I was committed to having.

Then magically it all came together. I secured the show, and you got pregnant. I was ecstatic. The world was wonderful once more, but again it was all just a dream. We lost the baby. Faye Buckley showed up, damning the show, damning our relationship, and finally tearing what little control I had over my emotions by saying such horrible things about us and the loss of our child.

Tina felt Bette’s tears dripping on her shoulders and could not stop her own from flowing. These words were tearing her heart out also. She didnt interrupt Bette though. She just took both Bette’s hands in her own and held them as Bette continued.

I dont understand how anyone could be that cruel Tee. I was trying so hard to be strong for you. I knew losing the baby had broken your heart and I couldnt put the pressure of my own pain on you also. I never realized that you needed to feel my pain too. So I bottled it up inside and threw myself further into my work to mask my pain. I felt so alone, so separated from you Tina, and so totally out of control. I even thought I was falling out of love with you.

Then you started working again. You threw yourself into it Tee. I wanted my wife back. It wasnt fair to you. You had been home and taking care of everything and now that was changing. I was jealous of the time you spent on the job. I wanted you home and I had no control over that either.

Then Candace came along. I fought against my attraction to her. I was trying to control something, anything, but I couldn’t even control myself. I allowed myself to be weak and gave into the attraction I felt for her. Not for one moment was it anything other than lust Tina, and when it was over, I realized I loved you more than ever. But I still had no control over myself. It happened again. I was falling apart. You found me in that shower after I had just lost it. I felt so guilty betraying you that way. I wanted you Tina. I needed you, but I didnt want to pressure you. I couldnt put that all on you. You had so many demons to work through yourself.

I dont know why I allowed it to happen Tee. You were all that mattered to me. It took that night to make me see what I had done. When you said you knew, it tore my heart out. I knew that I had caused you so much more pain. I just wanted to hold you and make it all better. But now you were the one out of control. Again I felt like I had to take over, to take control. So I grabbed you and tried to force you to let me make love to you, to show you that it was a mistake and you were all I wanted, but we both know how that ended.


Tina, it became so clear that night. You are what matters to me, only you. I love you more than I thought it was possible to love another person. I feel so totally ashamed for the pain and heartache I have put on you, the betrayal I have given you. I told Candace I never wanted to see her again. The attraction was totally gone Tina. You were all that matters, no matter what. I know there is no way you can forgive what I have done, but I swear, if we can work through it and find our way back together, that I will never give you another reason not to trust me. I will open my heart and soul to you and share all my thoughts and worries with you. You are my life Tee. These past few weeks have been *****. I want you so bad and know I dont deserve you, but I cant stop the wanting. I know now that I can not control everything and I no longer want to. I want to be with you in our marriage, as a whole member of our partnership. I want us to make decisions together, not for me to make a decision and ***** things up by making sure everything goes the way I want it to. I realize now that I was not being a partner to you, I was being more a parent. That is not what makes a relationship, it is what breaks a relationship. And it did.

With that, Bette once again nosed aside Tinas hair and kissed her on the ear. When she met no resistance, she kissed her way down Tees neck to her shoulder and once again sucked on it for just a moment.

That is what I needed to say to you Tee, what I had to say. I am ready to listen to what you have to say, or if you prefer not to talk now, we can go back to the car and Ill take you home.

Tina was dumbfounded. She had never expected Bette to be so open. Bette had truly changed and Tinas heart was overflowing with the love she felt for this woman. Bette had changed everything about herself just because she loved her and wanted her back. Tina knew how lucky she was to have another chance at true happiness and she had to respond in kind.

Bette, I dont want to go anywhere yet. I love sitting here with you. I appreciate how much you have changed and opened your emotions to me. It shows more trust and giving of yourself than I have ever felt in the seven years we have been together. But now I have a few things to say to you and I want you to give me as much space as I gave you and hold all your comments until Ive finished.

You got it Tee. Go ahead. Bette wrapped Tina up just a little tighter in her arms. Tina said nothing for a few moments and Bette just waited patiently. She could wait forever as long as she had Tina in her arms.

Bette, as much as I would love to let you take all the responsibility for what went wrong in our relationship, I just cant. Our breakup was a culmination of wrongs on both our parts. Like you said, I shouldnt have quit my job. I did lose my independence, and that created turmoil inside me. I threw myself into taking care of everything in our relationship that I could and did not even consider asking you what you wanted. I decided we were going to see Dan Foxworthy and I decided we would go to that group therapy. I should have realized that first night of therapy when it was pointed out to me that I had not discussed the meeting with you and yet I had stated to one of the others that we enjoyed it and would be back. I didnt give you a chance to say no, because it was what I wanted.

Then there was the donor for our baby. I was upset by not having met with the donor first, but you were right in saying that I would meet him on the way to the clinic. You werent saying we had to use the sperm, just that it would be on hand if and when we needed it. You were wrong Bette in not telling me that Markus was black, but I was wrong also in the way I dealt with it. I didnt talk to you about it. I went to the Planet and hid out from you. Then I hurt you without meaning to. I didnt consider your identity and what we had talked about in the beginning; I just went off on you for not telling me. Then I hid the fact that I was ovulating and in doing so hurt you that much more. And you were so good about it. You were going to allow us to share ourselves with an outsider just to make me happy and to get us pregnant. I really loved you for that Bette. I think that is what opened my eyes to using the sample Markus had left for us.

Then I tore you away from your chance in New York after bowing out of going with you. I called you in hysterics and then turned the phone off so you couldnt reach me. I was so selfish and you were wonderful. You left New York and the chances you had there to rush home and check on me. All I had to do was leave the phone on so you could reach me and you would have known that everyone was here taking care of me and you could have stayed in New York. You were wonderful Bette.

When I lost the baby, I didnt consider that you were hurting too. You were always there and strong for me. I closed down. I wouldnt leave the house, wouldnt go out with you even though it would have done us good. I was resentful. I felt like it was only my baby because obviously it didnt bother you that it was gone. You didnt cry or break down and I should have known that you were keeping all that emotion bottled up inside you. For Gods sake, we had been together seven years and I didnt know the pain you were in until you broke down in front of the cameras when Faye Buckley attached us.

When I went back to work, I focused on that to the exclusion of our relationship. I cut you off totally after being there for you every minute of every day. No wonder you felt so alone and apart from me. But Bette, I cant condone the affair. I understand how alone you felt, but that was uncalled for. I never allowed anyone to come between us and it isnt like I didnt have an opportunity. I just wouldnt do that to us. I truly believe in monogamy and I thought you did too. That is why this hurt me so much Bette. You shared yourself with someone else. That ripped me apart. I didnt have the right to do what I did that night though. There is never a reason good enough for hitting someone. Im so sorry for that, but I did lose control that night. I hated you and I loved you and I hated you! But Bette, I still loved you, and I still love you now. I want us to work through this. I want our life back. I want us back.

Tina could still feel Bettes tears. She disengaged herself from Bettes arms and turned around to face her.

Bette, if you ever cheat on me again, I will kill you. There will be no more chances for us. Do I make myself clear?

Crystal! Bette replied as she leaned in to kiss Tina. I will never do that to you again Tina. I promise I will never hurt you that way again.

Bette turned Tina around and pulled her back against her chest again.

Tina, before we can work our way totally back together, I have to talk to you about something else.

Oh God, Tina thought, what now. I dont know if I can take anything else. Not right now Bette. I dont want to talk about anything else tonight. Can we just sit like this for a while and think over what we have said so far. I promise we can talk more later, but I want to just feel being with you for now.

Ok Tina. But I still have more to say to you when you are ready. Bette let out a sigh of relief. She wasnt really ready to tell Tina about the virus yet. She just wanted to hold Tina and feel the love flowing between them.

They sat there for a while just watching the water until they started to get sleepy. It had been a very emotional night. They both stretched out in the warm sand and drifted off to sleep wrapped in each others arms and the love that was flowing between them. Morning would come much too quickly.