Chapter 13

Umm, Bianca yawned as she stretched out – noticing the lassitude she felt throughout her body. Oh yeah, last night rocked, she mused as a smile came over her face. She brought her right hand over to Lenas side of the bed and frowned.

The sheets were cold.

Turning over she called out, Lena? she waited a few seconds before trying again, Lena… are you here?

Pushing herself up, Bianca shivered as the sheet slipped away leaving her exposed. She got out of bed and walked around it. Spotting her shirt on the floor – which puzzled her as Lena was a stickler for having everything in its place – she slipped it on and went into the main room of the suite.

She didnt bother calling out, it was obvious Lena wasnt here.

Where was she?

I shouldnt be here. I shouldnt be here. I should be back at the hotel, with my arms wrapped around Bianca. Lena thought to herself as she sat in the rental car. She merely needed some time to think, so she went out and bought a cup of coffee.

She wasnt foolish enough to go to The Planet she went elsewhere, however on her way back she found herself parking across the street from the store.

Lena hadnt lied to Bianca – she was the woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and had no intentions of doing anything to jeopardize their relationship. This was something Lena felt she had no control over.

She knew she was only torturing herself by doing this yet there was a part of her, the one that never recovered from Marinas betrayal – from the sudden loss of something she never anticipated experiencing again, that still felt the connection to the other woman.

She felt it yesterday albeit briefly.

Why did Marina have to pop back into her life now? Was this her chance for… her train of thought stopped as she saw a car pull up.

Lena gasped. It was her. It was Marina. Oh my God, she was looking in her direction. Had she been spotted? She fought the sudden urge to hide.

Who was the young brunette who came out of the store and pulled Marina into a hug? Lena could see them smiling at each other before walking back inside, Marinas arm casually draped around the womans shoulders.

Its none of my business. Lena gripped the steering wheel tighter. Marina can be with whomever she wishes. She needed to get back to Bianca. Shes probably awake by now.

Bianca had taken a shower – hoping by the time she got out Lena would have returned, she hadnt.

Although Bianca wasnt hungry, she ordered room service anyway and was nibbling on a piece of toast – the television on in the background filling the room with useless noise – when she heard the door to the suite opening.

She glanced at the door briefly before returning to the calendar section of The Los Angeles Times. Lena will tell me where she went – I know she will.

Lena stepped through the door and spotted Bianca having breakfast. Damn, shes up. Closing the door behind her, she placed her bag on the end table and walked to Bianca. Hello my darling, she said keeping her voice bright as she kissed Bianca on the cheek before sitting down next to her.

Good morning.

The silence grew steadily, neither of them ready to ask or answer any questions.

Tell me Lena, please.

I have to tell her – I need to.

Well, it looks like were in for another gorgeous day today, with highs in the mid-seventies. Downtown Los Angeles is looking at a high of eighty, while the Inland Empire and the Valleys will get a break from the heat as they hover around the upper seventies. Im Johnny Mountain and this has been your KABC local weather. We now return you to Good Morning America.

Bianca stood up from the table and excused herself going back to the bedroom and closing the door behind her.

Damn it Kundera – what is wrong with you! The woman you claim is the love of your life walks away from you – closing you out and all you can do is sit here? Lenas inner voice raged. Get off your ***** and do something before every step you two have taken to get to this place is lost!

Lena pushed away from the table and strode purposely to the bedroom door – she paused in front of it. She couldnt just barge in, she might startle Bianca and that wouldnt be good for the baby. She raised her hand and knocked, Bianca… may I come in?

Its your room too, she heard through the door.

Lena winced. This was bad. Taking a deep breath to steady her nerves, Lena opened the door.

Bianca was sitting in one of the chairs on the balcony that provided a wonderful view of the Los Angeles skyline.

Lena went and squatted next to Bianca. She reached for Biancas hand – she was annoyed with herself when she felt her flinch. Bringing Biancas hand up to her lips Lena kissed it, then rubbed it against her cheek. Im sorry I wasnt here this morning, she said softly.

Bianca looked down briefly then returned her gaze to the skyline. She wasnt going to interrupt Lenas explanation.

I should have left a note letting you know I would be back shortly – not to worry.

Yeah, you should have, Bianca thought.

Kneeling, Lena took in the view as well. When I woke up this morning… I felt as if last night had been a glorious dream – one I didnt wish to wake from. You were in my arms, as usual, but it only took a second for my brain to catch up with what I felt. You were naked – I hadnt dreamt it, I had made love to you last night, Lena said as she quickly looked in Biancas direction – she was still gazing out the window. I wanted to wake you so I could thank you – kiss you – make love to you once more, but as we both know, that didnt happen.

Why?

I… I was scared, Lena admitted.

Of what? Bianca asked as she looked down, their eyes locked on each other.

Of us.

I… I dont understand – why would you be scared of us?

I thought that perhaps when you woke up…

I might have changed my mind? Bianca guessed.

Yes, Lena agreed. Or you might have regretted it.

Is that why you left?

Ah… now comes the tricky part, Lena thought. That was one… of the reasons, yes.

There was more than one?

Sighing deeply, Lena released Biancas hand. I had gone out – the sole purpose was to think about us – to think about how you were going to react once you woke up. I bought a cup of coffee and I was on my way back… she trailed off.

What happened?

I… I stopped by The Planet… Lena watched as Biancas eyes widen in surprise. I didnt go inside – I parked across the street. I dont know what I was thinking… Lena said hurriedly.

Did you see her? Biancas heart was beating rapidly she had to calm down. She had to – this wasnt good for Miranda.

Lenas head bent down, Yes, she replied softly. She hated hearing the wounded tone in Biancas voice.

Did… did you talk to her?

No, she shook her head. Someone came outside to meet her and they went inside.

Thats when you decided to come back?

Yes.

Bianca thought about what she was going to ask next. Did she want to hear the answer? Do you… do you still have feelings for her Lena?

Her first response was to say: No. Absolutely not. She couldnt do that however. Not like you… Lena paused. Bianca deserved nothing but the truth. Bianca… you know how much I love you?

Oh God – this is bad, Bianca thought. Yes.

You asked if I still have feelings for Marina – I did not think so. I havent thought about her in a long time. Seeing her yesterday… it brought back not only the pain I felt…

Something else?

Lena took both of Biancas hands in hers, I swear to you, she squeezed them, On my life – it was only for a second.

You felt what. Bianca dreaded this.

I felt the attraction…

Im going to lose her. Im going to lose her.

This morning, when I saw her – the other person, was a woman – I told myself it didnt matter who she was with…

No… no – you were jealous, Bianca stood up from the chair, pulling her hands out of Lenas grasp and walked away. No. God no.

Lena quickly got to her feet, Bianca wait. She had to fix this.

I appreciate your honesty, Bianca said, turning around. Her chin quivering, her eyes bright with unshed tears.

I dont love her Bianca – I love you. Lena told her.

With tears streaming down her face, Bianca said, Lena, I know you do, but you still have issues with Marina – you should take care of those first. If youll excuse me.

Sweetheart… dont leave me, please. Her life was unraveling.

Im not going anywhere – I just want to be alone for a little while, okay?

This is not fair, Lena protested.

Not fair? What was she talking about?

When Maggie…

Stop right there Lena. Dont say another word, she shook her head in disbelief. You cant possibly compare Maggie and Marina – you cant. Those are two different circumstances, she stopped. I dont think this is going to get us anywhere. I think you should call Melissa.

What? She wants me to call my therapist?

Shell be more objective about this than I will. I have too much at stake, too much to lose.

Lena was prepared to tell Bianca that they could work it out – that they – or rather she did not need to speak with her therapist, when it dawned on her. Perhaps Bianca was correct. Maybe she needed to speak with someone who had no vested interest in the outcome. Melissa had been a Godsend the last six months or so. Shed always been honest with her, had made her admit to things shed rather left alone.

Youre right. She did say I could call if I needed.

I dont want to fight with you, I only want to love you.

I dont want anything else Bianca.

Lena… her voice breaking as she looked at her.

Yes. What could she do to take the frightened look from Biancas eyes, all she had to do was ask and it was hers.

Please hold me. She couldnt take it anymore. She needed to feel Lenas arms around her. Needed to feel safe.

Lena was at her side holding on to her in a heartbeat. Im sorry… Im so sorry, she cried as she stroked Biancas hair. She would call Melissa as soon as Bianca calmed down.

Dont let me go…

Never, Lena replied holding tighter. Damn Marina. Damn Me.