Bette? Its Candace.

Bette looked around nervously as she tried to decide if she wanted to talk to Candace right now. Her day had been so good and she finally felt like she had a clear enough head to try and start figuring her life out. Bette decided it would be a bad idea to talk to her right now so she tried to get Candace off the phone as quickly as possible.

What do you want Candace? I cant really talk right now.

Okay, sorry. I just called to apologize. Look I didnt mean to put you in that position last time we talked and I know youre trying to get your life back with Tina.

Bette bit her bottom lip as she listened to the woman who she gave everything up for was trying to tell her she didnt want to get involved. She knew that was what she should be doing, but once again her indecisiveness and stubbornness got in the way. Even though Bette swore to herself that she wasnt going to see Candace any more unless she was totally sure it was what she wanted, the sound of her voice and the sincerity in her tone broke down Bettes defenses.

Its not your fault Candace. Whatever happened between me and Tina is between me and Tina. It had nothing to do with you.

Candace knew it was a lie, but something she said made Candace think. Happened? When did things become past tense? Candace was not sure what Bette was talking about so she voiced her curiosity, much to Bettes dismay.

What do you mean happened? I thought you told me you two were back together.

Bette sighed, as she knew what she should say to Candace, but somehow couldnt find the right words. We are back together so this isnt going to happen. Bette didnt want to tell any more lies, but she felt that admitting the truth to Candace would seem like an open invitation to waltz back into her life.

Its complicated. But right now we are temporarily separated so that we can sort some things out.

She hoped she hadnt said too much, and Bette was glad when Candace didnt push her for more information.

OhwellI see. Okaygood luck with that. Ill talk to you later Bette.

With that Candace hung up and Bette hoped she would keep her distance for now. Although Bettes state of mind was to do the right thing and be alone right now, she knew if Candace turned up the charm and made a move she would most likely give in. Bette decided she needed some fresh air so she walked outside and sat down in one of the lounge chairs next to the pool.

She sat there staring at the water and she remembered all the good times they had spent in that very same backyard or splashing around in the pool. Too many milestones were passed there, and Bette couldnt think straight as all the memories came flooding back to her. This is where I proposed to Tina. This is where we got married. This is the first place we had ***** once we moved in. Bette got up and went back inside the house to try and find a less nostalgic place to think. She went into every room in the house but each one held so many memories filled with too much emotion. Finally she gave up and got into her car. She started the engine and just drove off, not knowing or caring where she was headed.

She drove through the streets of West Hollywood, but even seeing familiar sights there made her stomach turn. So much for having a clear head, she thought as she got on the freeway. She headed up the 101 hoping to find solitude and quiet so that she could think. She went past Ventura and past Magic Mountain before turning around and coming back down to Hollywood, she was about to get off the freeway when she decided she needed to keep driving so she just kept on going. She only stopped for gas once and even then her mind was a million miles away.

What do I want? This question seemed to be haunting her as she made her way down the California coastline. Is it what I want or who I want that Im not sure of? Bette felt like she was going in circles with her thoughts so she decided to head home and try to break this down constructively aka Bette Porter style. She turned down her street and when she got to her house she almost crashed her car because she couldnt believe her eyes. There, on the porch, just sitting and waiting for her was Tina.

Tina saw Bette coming down the street and she braced herself for whatever confrontation was about to happen. It had been three days since she left and Bette hadnt tried to call her or see her once. She was staying at Alices apartment again, but she had been looking for a place of her own. Her real estate agent had called her and said her old place was back on the market and she decided to move back there. They just needed a week to do some minor repairs and it was all hers. Tina stood up when Bette pulled in the driveway and she couldnt help but glance at her watch. Twelve thirty, God damn Bette where the ***** did you go? Tina pushed all worst case scenarios out of her head as she waited for Bette to get out of her car. Tonight was not about testing the waters or fighting about the past. It was only about Tina getting some of her things that she needed and since she gave her key back, Bette had to be there when she got them.

Bette walked up to Tina slowly and looked at her with pain in her eyes. Tina knew that Bette probably wanted to talk, but she didnt. And she was tired of playing by her rules. Tina had taken the last three days to do some reflecting of her own and the conclusion that she came to was that she still loved Bette, that would never change, but she was not going to put up with her ***** anymore. Im done crying over you Bette, and Im done crying over us. No more tears. This isnt about revenge or payback. This is about us. Tina knew that she did not need Bette in her life as much as Bette needed her, but she had to admit, it was nice seeing her. A sense of calm washed over Tina as she realized that she was in total control of this situation. Just like in the beginning. Back then, Bette had been so in love with her and so happy just to be by her side that Tina knew she had Bette whipped. All it used to take was a gentle smile or a soft touch and Bette did whatever she wanted. But as time went on Bette became more and more withdrawn from Tina and Tina saw that as the love was fading so was her influence over Bette. It had never gotten even close to the point where Bette was at her beck and call, but everyone knew that while Bette may appear to be the dominant one in the relationship, Tina was the strength behind it. She knew how to let Bette have her sense of control but it was just a faade. It was a balance of power that Tina knew Bette hated, but she always gave in to. Back then, it was about love and future things to come, and Tina never abused her authority over Bette, and Bette never fought her for the control. They were equals and they complemented one another like yin and yang. But that was then and this was now. If Bette wants me she knows what she has to do, thought Tina as she gave Bette a small smile. Bette finally reached the bottom of the steps and she looked up at Tina in surprise.

Hi.

Hi Bette. I just needed to get a few things and well, I dont have a key anymore.

Tina spoke with an even tone in her voice. It wasnt mad like Bette had expected but it wasnt loving like she hopped. It was just above polite, almost bordering on friendly. Tina looked at Bette with a calm expression on her face just waiting for her to open the door. Bette flustered for a moment but then gained control of herself and walked up the stairs past Tina. She opened the door and motioned for Tina to go inside.

Tina was walking into the house when she looked down and saw her ring still sitting on the table. She paused for just a second before continuing on to the bedroom. Bette saw Tina look at her ring and she didnt know if she should say anything about why it was still there. She followed Tina to the bedroom and stood there in the doorway watching her pack the suitcase she had with her.

Bette had a sense of dj vu, remembering the last time they were in this situation. That fight had been so awful and Bette still couldnt believe the ***** that came out of her mouth. She was getting that nauseated feeling again as she watched Tina pack so she walked back out to the living room and sat down on the couch. Bette wanted to say something to her, to see how shes doing or something, but she didnt know what to say. It had been her choice to have Tina leave and asking how she was doing felt like pouring salt on an open wound to Bette. She assumed Tina was upset with her so she let her finish packing in peace and didnt try to speak to her until she was leaving.

Tina?

Tina turned around with that same calm look on her face. Bette tried as hard as she could to read Tinas body language and figure out how she felt about her but she couldnt. When Tina answered Bette the polite tone was in her voice again and Bette was utterly confused.

Yeah? Look I got most of my clothes and stuff. I dont really need anything else so just let me know if you want me to get anything else out of here.

Bette sat there fighting off the urge to break down in front of her and just ask her to stay. She had been so lonely these past few days and even though her heart was confused as to what she wanted, there would be a part of her that always needed Tina. They had been together for seven years and in that time Tina was not only her lover but her best friend. The person she could turn to and the person whose company always put her at ease. She looked at Tina and she felt an anger rise up inside her.

She probably thinks I went straight back to Candace. Thats why shes being so nonchalant. Okay Tina, I get the point. You dont want to fight. But does that mean you dont want to fight with me or for me? Bette stood up and walked over to open the door for her. She had an uncomfortable look on her face as she answered Tina.

No, thats fine. If you realize you forgot anything or whatever just call me. Or better yet, why dont you just take your key? That way you can get whatever you need whenever.

Bette used this offering as a test of where Tina felt they were at. If she accepted it Bette hoped that meant there was still something between them, if not sexually, at least on a friendship basis. If she declined it Bette knew it was Tinas way of keeping her at a certain distance. Bette hoped she would take the key.

No Bette, its okay. I dont need it. Im moving soon and I think I have enough stuff to get set up there.

Moving? Where?

Into a condo. Look, I might be taking money from our account just to get a few things like furniture or something okay?

YeahnoI mean yeah take whatever you need. Tina listen

Sorry Bette, Im not going to do this with you right now. Take care.

With that she walked past Bette and got into her car. Tina let out a small laugh as she drove away and saw Bette just staring out after her in the rear view mirror. Tina wasnt trying to punish Bette or be mean or rude to her. She was just being herself again and it was someone she thought she might never see again. I cant believe I was so lost, Tina said to herself as she drove back to Alices place. Tina felt refreshed as she remembered what her life used to be like and how independent and secure in herself she was. After seven years with Bette Tina forgot what it was like to enjoy just being herself and she was going to do everything possible to get that feeling back. Tina knew in her heart that she wanted Bette and she wanted to be by her side, as her wife, like they were before this all started but that was not even an option anymore. Tina already gave Bette one chance to redeem herself and try and make things right, but that came crashing down in flames. I am not ready to be with Bette until she is ready to be with me.

Tina had no intentions of shutting Bette out of her life, but she wasnt going to let her get too close either. Tina knew that the main thing that went wrong after she forgave Bette was that Bette never really dealt with her feelings about Candace. This hurt a little and Tina knew what she was up against, but she didnt know if she was willing to fight. After all, Bette had been the one who decided they needed a break and if it was to clear her head so that she could be Bette Porter again then Tina was willing to give her time. But if this separation was so that she could explore her life with Candace and then came running back as soon as things got rough, Tina was not going to be there for her. Bette has to know who she is before she knows what she wants. She said that she was lost and forgot who she was after we lost the baby. If thats true then I hope she finds herself. Tina would never be able to have malicious thoughts about Bette, she just loved her too much. But she was not as blind as she had once been either. If Bette can come full circle and realize who she really is, the Bette Porter that I used to see, then there is a chance for us. But if she continues to close herself off from the rest of the world and put up her walls, then I hope she is happy with Candace. As Tina reached Alices apartment she knew that tonight must have been a complete shock to Bette, but she just didnt care anymore. She was tired of worrying that she was going to do something wrong and drive Bette back to Candace, so she decided if it was meant to be then Bette would come to her on her own accord. And more importantly on her own terms.