There’s something going on around here
I could not crawl back if I tried
I couldn’t wait around
I couldn’t wait another second
Something going on around here

-Sparklehorse- ?Someday I Will Treat You Good,? 1995






Tina watched Bette as she hung up her jacket in the closet. She noticed that Bette was wearing a
new bra, black with gold trimming on it. ‘Did she buy that to wear for her,’ Tina wondered.

How long had it been going on? Tina thought back and tried to remember when Bette had first
mentioned Candace. It was right before they went to Palm Springs, she told Tina she was thinking
about having her bid on the CAC project. How did that turn into what she had witnessed tonight?
Obviously, it wasn’t the first time they had snuck off like that. There was intimacy there, the kind
that she and Bette had not shared in quite some time. Tina suddenly had a flashback of walking
into Bette’s office upon returning from the trip, slipping in behind her wife and putting her hands
around Bette’s mid-section. Bette had said, “I’m sorry, I can’t.” It all made sense now! Bette had
believed that Candace was the one putting her hands on her, and the thought made Tina want to
vomit.

Bette had always been so big on monogamy. Tina remembered the row they had after they left the
dinner party given by Tim and Jenny. Bette had seen something between Marina and Jenny that
made her angry, and she confronted Marina about it. Tina thought about how Bette accused her
of being blase’ about the whole thing, and later Tina told Bette how much she loved that Bette
held such strong convictions. Obviously, she had lost those convictions somewhere along the line.

Before she and Tina dated, Bette had gone through her share of women. Once they got together,
it was a complete turnaround. Bette always told her that her life started the moment she laid eyes
on Tina. She had told her that Tina was the first woman that made her want to stay faithful, that
made her believe in marriage, and what it stood for. ‘Where did we lose that?’

Tina snaps back to the present, meeting Bette’s eyes. Bette knows that something is up, she can
see it, can feel the tension coming off of Tina’s body. Tina stands and begins walking towards her,
and Bette can feel her own breath coming in gasps.

“I know,” Tina says, “I saw it.”

“I’m sorry,” Bette says, and Tina can see that Bette is being sincere in her apology. That still
doesn’t take away the fact that it happened. All of her pain, rage, and disbelief compound into a
single act; Tina slaps Bette with enough force to knock her backwards a few steps.

“I want you to end it with her,” Tina says, keeping her voice firm and strong. She doesn?t want
Bette to see her fall apart. She won?t give her the satisfaction.

Bette is speechless. This isn’t how she imagined it would happen. After the first slap she expected
more, she was waiting for Tina to attack, but there is a sense of calmness to the blonde woman.
Bette realizes that Tina being so calm is more frightening to her than anything else.

“Of course,” Bette replies. There was never anything long term about what she and Candace were
doing. It had been *****, ***** that she thought would help her make it through the mess that her life
had become. In truth, it hadn?t helped anything.

“Now,” Tina demands.

Bette goes over to her dresser and picks up her cell phone. She looks through her phone book and
sees the entry for Candace, then pushes ‘talk’ and waits for the connection.

“Hello?” Bette is taken aback, she had hoped that Candace would not answer. This was too hard
to do with Tina watching her.

“Candace, it’s Bette. I…uhm, Tina found out.”

“Oh, *****.”

“Yea, that about sums it up. I can’t see you anymore Candace, I love Tina and I’m hoping that she
and I will be able to work this out.”

“I understand,” Candace replies.

Tina walks over to where Bette is and grabs the phone from her.

“Candace, this is Tina.”

After a sharp intake of breath, Candace answers, “Hi.” Part of her is desperate to hang up, but she
never wanted Tina to end up hurt, as screwed up as that was. Tina was a good woman, Bette
loved her, and she knew she owed it to Tina to hear her out.

“I’m smart enough to know that not all of this is your fault. I blame the both of you, but my
responsibility is to my marriage and not to you. We’re all adults here, right?”

Candace manages a shaky “Yes.”

“Lose Bette’s phone number, tonight. Payment for your services will be arranged by someone else
so you’ll have no need to see her at the CAC. I ask that as a woman you hold some respect for my
wishes, and that you stay away from her. If she seeks you out, well, then obviously she and I are
through and you can have each other. Do you think you can manage that?”

Tina wishes she could climb through the phone and claw Candace?s eyes out. The rational part of
her says that it wasn?t just Candace, Bette had done the deed as well. Tina was having a hard time
believing that she was even having the conversation. Never, in all the years she and Bette had
been together, did she think that this was going to happen to them, that she would be on the
phone with her wife?s mistress telling her to stay away.

“That’s fine, Tina. I also want you to know, for what it’s worth, that I’m sorry that you had to be
hurt in all this.”

“No, Candace, that is where you’re wrong. Three people ended up hurt because of all of this,?
Tina takes a deep breath and continues, ? I still expect to have you finish the job at the Center.”

“But, isn’t that going to be strange, having to see me?”

“I don’t plan to be there. Report to Oscar on Monday as scheduled. Despite what happened with
us, you made a commitment and I think you should honor it.” Bette hung her head in shame at the
last comment, it felt like an arrow had sliced through her heart. She had not honored her own
commitment to Tina. She had stepped all over it.

“All right,” Candace agreed.

Tina hung up the phone. Bette looked up at her, tears welling in her eyes. As much as Tina
wanted to climb into Bette’s lap, to have her hold her and comfort her as she had done so many
times in the past, she refused to allow herself to. It just hurt too much.

?Erase her number from your cell,? Tina said as she handed the phone back to Bette.

She squared her shoulders, took a deep breath and walked into the bathroom. ‘I can lose it when I
get in the shower, and not one minute sooner.’

******************************************************************************

Bette sat on their bed in disbelief. It was all so surreal, she couldn’t believe what had just
happened. Aside from the slap, Tina had not shown any anger. If anything, her attitude showed
that no matter what, they were going to work it out. Bette felt incredibly lucky, there was no way
that she deserved Tina. ‘How could I do this to her,’ she asked herself. She realized that her
actions were that of someone who wanted to get caught, otherwise she would have stayed by
Tina’s side the whole night. There would have been other opportunities with Candace, but she
took a stupid risk, and it hadn’t paid off.

Bette looked at the closed bathroom door and walked over to it. She considered knocking, and
then she heard the sobs coming from inside. She turned the doorknob, only to discover that Tina
had locked her out. ‘I suppose I deserved that,’ she thought.

“Tina, open the door.”

The sobs quieted, “Bette, not right now, ok? I need to be alone.”

Bette knew that she had no right to insist on comforting Tina. She had hurt the one person in the
world that she never wanted to, and this wasn’t the first time. She had been treating Tina like *****
for the better part of a year.

There was always something bothering Bette, some ***** at work, or with Tina, a problem with
Kit, even her father. These things just piled on her and her only reaction was anger. How many
times had Tina tried to talk to her, only to have Bette walk away? How many
times had Tina told her that she was there for her no matter what, that she could tell her anything,
that she would make it better, only to have Bette reject her?

She kept so much inside, and always used the excuse that no one knew what her life was like, of
what she had gone through. ‘Because you never let anyone in,’ Bette thought. She wanted to let
Tina in, and in so many fights over the years she had made countless promises that she would be
more open with her feelings. It was too hard. It was the one thing she could not be a success at.

She doubted herself, doubted that she could be what Tina needed her to be, what their friends
needed her to be, what the CAC wanted her to be. With Candace, she didn’t have to pretend
anything. She wanted to forget the pressures, forget the expectations, and just be Bette. She didn’t
feel like she could do that with anyone else, and while she had blamed that on
others, now she realized that the blame lay with herself.

Bette sat with her back against the bathroom door, head in her hands as she began to cry in
earnest. She did not want to lose Tina, she thought she would die if that were to happen. She
loved her so much, and felt like such a fool for questioning their love. She should have talked to
Tina then, should have told her how scared she was, should have asked for what she needed
instead of keeping it all in. All she had gotten from a lifetime of keeping her emotions inside was a
stomach riddled with ulcers, which she had worn like a badge of courage. Now, she realized how
shameful they were, and how her superiority complex was just a cover for her own inadequacies.
She had never felt good enough.

Growing up in Philly, she had only one concern, and that was pleasing her father. It didn?t matter
what anyone else thought, as long as Melvin was happy, she was happy. She remembered that in
their neighborhood, there weren?t very many biracial kids, and from the time she went to school
until the time she graduated and left to college she had been picked on mercilessly. The white and
black kids called her ?Oreo,? accusing her with that slur of trying to pass herself off as someone
other than who she was. What the ***** did they know? She was never accepted by anyone, and
had no real friends during her school years. She didn?t need anyone, she had learned the art of
survival early on.

Her father had told her that people were ignorant, jealous, and to ignore them because she was a
Porter and she was going to be somebody. Her mother, in and out of drunken stupors, could offer
very little support. Kit, her idol, rarely came around, and when she did, it was to the constant
criticism of their father. He could rip her to shreds with a glance and a few words, something
Bette had inherited from him. Bette had felt bad for her sister, but she had also been glad that it
wasn?t her that Melvin was displeased with. Everything she did was to gain his approval, it meant
the world to her.

?What do you trade to feel his pride,? Kit had once asked her. Bette had not been able to answer
her then, she had immediately reacted with anger and avoidance. She now realized that the answer
was ?Everything,? she traded everything that was important to her, including Tina, to make her
father happy. She now realized that she had received nothing in return.

******************************************************************************


Tina turned the water on as hot as she could stand it, and sat down on the shower floor. She had
just picked Bette up from the same place earlier that day, what was it, less than 24 hours before.
All she thought then was that Bette was overworked and stressed out. Tina remembered telling
Bette that she could fall apart after the opening, and she would take care of her. ?God, if only that
was all it was.? Bette had told her then that she wanted them to start working on having a family
again, that she needed them to have a family. Tina had lied and said she wasn?t ready. What she
hadn?t been ready to tell Bette was the truth, she didn?t think that Bette was emotionally ready to
handle it right then. Tina couldn?t tell her that she had done something that was going to affect the
both of them in a huge way. Now with the knowledge that Bette had gone outside of their
marriage, Tina was convinced that she had to keep her secret to herself, at least for the time
being. She didn?t want to guilt Bette into staying with her.

?Is that what I want, to stay with Bette?? Tina didn?t know. She had taken vows that promised
?for better, for worse,? and this was definitely the worse part. Just thinking about Bette with
someone else, kissing someone else, touching her, letting someone touch her, she didn?t even
know all the details yet, but thoughts and the possibilities made her ache like nothing else before.
Not even when she had lost the baby, their son, did she feel pain this bone-deep, pain that made
her want to claw her way out of her own skin.

?I can?t stay here,? she thought, ?I need to get as far away from this house as possible.? Tina stood
and turned the water off, then grabbed a towel and wrapped it around herself. She opened the
door and Bette fell backwards into the bathroom, landing with a thud. She stepped over her,
resisting the urge to kick Bette, to inflict some kind of physical pain.

?Where is the emergency credit card??

Bette sat up, rubbing the back of her head. ?In the safe, why Tina? What are you..?

Tina stopped Bette with a glare that made her swallow the rest of the question.

Tina went into the closet and opened the safe, there was $1000 cash and the no-limit Platinum
card that they had gotten for emergencies. ?No time like the present,? Tina thought. She grabbed
the money and the card and walked out of the bedroom, leaving Bette to wonder what the ***** she
was going to do.