Shane-

Five years ago I was the exact same person I am today. An enthusiast of the ladies, a player, a connoisseur of the one night stand. I did what felt good. I did what made her feel good, and then I left the next day. So when I make myself think about it now maybe I didnt make her feel so good. Maybe all those unreturned calls did a little damage and thats the reason Im still alone today? Karma’s pay back for all those broken little hearts.
I wish, I wish that I had dragged myself out of this years ago. But I guess somewhere along the line I lost hope, I gave up. I believed my families expectations. I never was able to shed my fathers words, my mothers goodbyes. I never really got over the rejection. But I grew. I made myself grow. I made myself deal with it, cope with it and get by.
Ive lost out now though. While my friends are in love, making babies, and getting married, Im just watching them pass me by. Not even sleeping with people, because theyve all been slept with. Theyve all been wasted, all could have beens, should have beens, never weres.
Ten years ago love seemed to be the enemy, even though I never really allowed myself to hate it completely. I blocked it out, but it would always be there. With every pretty mouth I kissed, I wondered if she would be the one. If shed be able to just look at me and see the pain inside. See it and make it better. She never could.
My only achievement is the salon I own. Took me long enough to be able to pay for the damn thing, but its mine. The jukebox, the varnished floors, the plush arm chairs, there all mine. Sometimes when Im feeling really low I like to sit infront of the mirrors and remind myself that once upon a time I didnt even have this.
But Im getting older now. And the older I get the more lonely my apartment seems to be. Its funny how close those four walls can become when theres nobody to share them with. I just never imagined that Id still be alone now. Id thought, like everybody thinks, that Id meet some awesome woman who would make me give up the one night stands. Somebody who I could be with indefinitely. But thats starting to sound more and more like a fantasy that is just never going to come true.