Chapter: 10 What are we doing?


It was a quiet night at the Attic. Thursdays usually were. I sat behind the counter, watching the clock slowly move towards the moment I could close up and go home. As I waited, my mind returned to the topic that had haunted me all week. Marina. What were we doing? What did I want us to be doing? I didnt have an answer to either. While the adult thing to do would have been to go and talk to Marina earlier in the week, Id opted for an old standby: avoidance. Id taken extra hours at the book store, ignored phone calls, and generally worked very hard at hiding out. Hiding from Marina, but also doing my best to hide from my own thoughts, questions and feelings about the past weekend and what was happening between Marina and I.

So, it was quite a shock when I locked up the Attic and rounded the corner into the parking lot and found Marina leaning up against my motorcycle. I stopped dead in my tracks and for a brief second contemplated turning around and walking home before accepting that it wasnt really an option, since Marina had seen me round the corner of the building.

For a long moment neither of us moved; we just stared at the other. I searched her expression for some clue as to what she was feeling, or thinking or simply what she was doing there; but her face was a perfect mask giving nothing away. I broke the stare and looked down at the pavement of the parking lot, wishing the ground would open up and swallow me.

Why have you not returned my calls? Marina asked. I looked up at her words. Her voice was strong and clear. I couldnt tell if I heard anger or betrayal or possibly both in the words. Her face was as cold and blank as stone.

With a heavy sigh, I slowly moved across the parking lot to stand next to her. As I moved, she never took her eyes off of me and the weight of her glare was almost unbearable.

The words bounced around in my head as I walked across the parking lot: What are you talking about? What calls? Did you call? I didnt get any messages from you. *****, they were all true. After all, I hadnt answered my phone all week. I hadnt checked my voice messages all week. At work, Id refused to answer the phone and told people to tell anyone that called for me that they hadnt seen me and didnt know when Id be back.

I leaned on the bike next to her, stared down at my feet and simply offered Hello.

Why didnt you return my calls? Marina repeated.

I turned to face her and met her gaze. Her face was expressionless, but her eyes betrayed the pain in her question.

What are we doing Marina? I paused, waiting for some clue in her face, her eyes. But, now, it was Marinas turn to glance away and stare into the distance. After a moment of silence, I continued, What are we doing? Is this dating? Is this friendship? Is this just *****? Cause I dont know. All I know is that I wasnt prepared for what happened this weekend and Im scared shitless. The words came out in a burst, harsh and cold. I saw the flinch move through Marina and I immediately regretted the delivery; but the week of questions, fear and confusion had exploded out of me unexpectedly.

I pushed off the bike and moved to stand in front of Marina. Her face was no longer blank. I saw the briefest flash of the betrayal and the hurt before all was hidden away behind a mask of calm indifference.

Marina stood and brushed past me as she spoke. We are not doing anything. I am sorry I came here. Good night Freddie.

Wait. I cried as I grabbed her arm and pulled her around to face me. I could see the anger in her eyes as she jerked her arm from my hand.

Please, wait. Can we try this again? Here, you just lean back on the bike. I said as I gently maneuvered her back against the seat. Now, just wait here. I turned and jogged back around the corner of the building.

I stood there leaning up against the building for along moment. Taking deep breaths and trying to calm my racing heart.

*****! *****! *****! I said under my breath as last Sundays events played like a film through my mind

Marinas kiss was soft and gentle and loving. Her touch was so tender and kind as she caressed my cheek. It was me that turned those kisses urgent and hungry. It was my hand that slipped beneath Marinas shirt to caress her bare breast, to pinch and tease her nipple. It was me that led Marina back to her car. It was me that couldnt contain my desire and leaned my mouth to tease her nipple through her shirt as I slid my hand between her legs before we got out of the parking lot, causing her to stop so we could ***** in the car like desperate teens. It was me, that hours later, rose from her bed while she lay sleeping, dressed quietly, and slipped away without a word.

How had this become such a mess? From the moment I saw her at Radar, Id been infatuated with Marina. *****, she was beautiful, probably the most beautiful woman Id ever met. She was successful, intelligent, strong and independent. Who wouldnt be infatuated with Marina. What she was doing with me I couldnt fathom, but the fact was that she was trying to be with me. Whether it was as a friend or a lover or both didnt really matter. I liked her and I wanted more of whatever it was she was offering.

I straightened and walked around the corner. Marina was still leaning against the bike and I quickly closed my eyes in a silent offering of thanks that she hadnt left.

I stopped a few feet into the parking lot and looked at Marina. I sucked in my breath as I took her in; Id been so shocked to see the the first time that I hadnt really seen her. She wore black leather pants and a white gauzey shirt. Her hair was flowing freely and formed a soft frame around her face; the pale moonlight played on her skin and made her face appear to glow. A tiny chill ran through me and a smile spread across my face as I realized how truly happy I was to see her.

Hello, *****. I called as I continued across the parking lot. Are you stalking me? If you are, I should warn you, that I have a can of pepper spray. I added with a smile as stopped in front of her.

Marinas face still wore the expression of cool indifference, but in her eyes I thought I saw the glint of a smile.

Why did you not return my calls? she asked again. She was not going to let me off that easily.

I couldnt. I wasnt ready. I answered as honestly as I could. I needed some time to try and figure out what happened on Sunday.

Marinas eye narrowed as she looked at me and considered this answer for a moment. And, have you figured it out?

Yes, I have. Just a second ago, in fact, as I rounded the corner and saw you standing here. I paused, and looked around. You want to go somewhere and talk for a while?

The Planet will be quiet. I can make us some tea. She said as she pushed off the bike.

I grabbed her hand and pulled her to me. Thank you. I whipsered as I gently kissed her cheek.

*******************

We sat on a sofa in a quiet corner of the Planet and talked about everything from business at the Planet to my moving this coming weekend. When wed exhausted the small talk, we both sat quietly sipping our tea.

Finally, I began, Marina, I shouldnt have left like I did on Sunday. And I shouldnt have dodged your calls all week.

Marina looked into her cup as she sipped her tea and said nothing.

Ive never done anything like that. Im not casual about *****, about my relationships. But, after my little melt down, I felt so raw and exposed. I. my words trailed off. I stared at Marina. She was still looking into her cup, waiting for me to continue.

Marina, what are we doing? I asked. My voice small and frail.

Finally, Marinas eyes rose from her cup and turned to me. She held my gaze for a long moment. What do you want us to be doing? she asked.

Not fair. I asked my questions first. I smiled and Marina let out a small laugh. I waited a beat before asking once again, What are we doing? Is this dating? Is it friendship? Is it just *****?

Marina cleared her throat, before she spoke, That question can not be answered. Marina paused and set her cup on the table before she continues. I can only answer that for myself and your question, what are we doing, requires a we answer.

Okay,” I replied. “What do you think we are doing? What do you want? I rephrased my question.

No, no, no. Marina smirked. Quid pro Quo. Now it is your turn. What do you want us to be doing?

Damn, she was good, but I could play this game. Right this second, I want us to be hearing the answer to my question. What do you think we are doing?

Marina laughed and slowly nodded her head as she answered. I think we are talking.

Suddenly I saw us both as nine year olds stuck in a battle of wills and I was overcome by a fit of the giggles. Marina joined in and we both laughed as much at our silliness as the awkwardness of the conversation we were not having. When Id calmed myself, I reached out for my tea and took a long sip.

Can you read tea leaves, Marina? I asked.

Her eyes narrowed and she looked at me as if questioning my sanity.

Because, your answer is right here. I said as I stared into my now nearly empty cup. I took a deep breath before hesitantly speaking. Its right there, clear as day. I want what ever youre offering. It doesnt matter to me whether it is friendship, or dating, or great ***** or even if it is all three. Whatever it is, for now, Ill take it.

Hand me that. Marina said with a warm smile, taking the cup from my hand. She stared down into the cup for a long moment as she swirled it in her hand. She looked up as she spoke. There arent even any tea leaves in this cup. I dont see a thing. Marina looked up with a wink as she set the cup down on the table. Freddie, I dont know what we are doing. But I like doing it.

I nodded my head and looked down as I said Me too.

We sat in silence for a while before I rose to leave. I need to be getting home. Thank you for the tea.

Marina stood as she asked, Are we still having our support group meeting tomorrow night? I made plans if you are still interested.

My eyes narrowed and I asked Should I be scared? Im not sure you are ready to plan fun. Im afraid that still might be a stretch for you.

Marina grimaced as she replied, Dont worry; I consulted a few experts. Ill pick you up at 6.