Bette stood there not knowing how to respond to what Tina had just said. What am I supposed to say to that? Bette thought. Several different responses ran through her mind but none of them seemed appropriate so she opted to just say what she was feeling.

Tina Bette said softly. Last night was for both of us, about both of us. Im not sure that you want to hear this from me this morning, but last night was about two people who love each other deeply. I believe that with all my heart and I think that somewhere within you, you believe that too.

Bette I dont know what I believe anymore Tina said quietly as she got up and headed towards the cabin door. I am going to go take a shower and get dressed.

Bette stood there as tears filled her eyes wondering how she was going to get through this day. She headed in to the cabin and to her room where she started to get dressed. Her constant thoughts were on what today might bring and as she finished getting dressed her emotions got the better of her and she sat down on the end of the bed and cried. Tina had gotten dressed and decided that she was going to fix some breakfast so she had gone in search of Bette to see if she wanted anything and that is when she walked in and saw Bette crying. Tina only stood there for a moment watching Bette cry because it broke her heart to see Bette crying. She had wanted to go to her and hold her, but she couldnt do that because if she did she wasnt sure that she would ever let go. She walked back to the kitchen with tears running down her face. She wiped away her tears and began to fix breakfast. When breakfast was ready she fixed her plate and sat down at the table to eat. She wasnt really hungry now, but it had given her something to occupy her mind and her hands and it kept her from going back to Bettes room. She was sitting there stirring the food around on her plate when Bette walked in to the kitchen.

You made breakfast Bette said.

Yeah I thought I was hungry Tina said. I made enough for you.

Thanks but Im not really hungry Bette said.

As it turns out, I wasnt either Tina said as she got up from the table and picked up her plate and headed to the sink.

You want some help cleaning up the mess? Bette asked.

No thanks Tina replied. This wont take long.

Bette stood there watching Tina washing the dishes and trying to figure out how to start to deal with what had happened with her and Candace.

Tina Bette said quietly. Have you ever had a moment in your life when you regretted something you had done and wished with every breathe you took, that you could undo it?

I dont think I want to answer that Tina said as she wiped her hands with a dish cloth and walked out of the kitchen.

Why not Bette asked following Tina out of the kitchen and wondering why Tina had said that.

Bette, please dont go there Tina said.

Do you have something to hide? Bette asked her curiosity peaked.

No Tina said.

Then I dont understand why you wont answer me Bette said.

Do you really want an answer? Tina asked.

Yes Bette said.

Yes. Once for about 24 hours. Tina said.

What was it? Bette asked.

Bette had only been trying to start their talk and to try and express how much she regretted what she had done. She hadnt expected to get a complicated answer from Tina.

After I found out about you and Can, and her Tina said quietly. I regretted that I had ever gotten involved with you and wished I could undo the last seven years of my life.

Bette gasped upon hearing Tinas words. Tears filled her eyes and she felt weak in the knees. She gingerly walked over to the sofa and sat down.

You regret your life with me Bette said her voice filled with heartbreak.

No I dont regret my life with you Tina said adamantly as she sat down on the sofa next to Bette and grabbed Bettes hand interlocking their fingers. I was angry and hurt at what you had done to me, to us. You have to believe me. That is all it was. Do you honestly believe that I would have made love with you last night if I really felt that way?

Bette looked in to Tinas eyes searching for an answer and she knew that Tina was telling the truth.

No Bette said. I guess I can understand how you could react that way given, what I had done.

Im sorry if I hurt you Tina said. You wanted an answer and I had to be honest. I feel that the only chance we have of trying to save our relationship is be to honest about what has happened.

Even if the truth hurts Bette said more to her self than to Tina.

Yes Tina said.

They both sat there quietly not saying anything for a few moments before Bette began to try and explain why she thought she had messed up their lives.

Im not sure where to start except with Im sorry Bette said her voice full of regret. I am sorrier than you will ever know. I promise I will try to be as honest with you as I can but you need to know that I am still working through parts of it. Ive started to see a therapist to help me. Ive done a lot of thinking and trying to figure out how and when I lost control of my life and Ive realized that I cant do it on my own.

Tina sat there waiting on Bette to continue but she thought to her self, that what she was about to hear must be really bad if Bette willingly went to therapy.

Tina, please understand that I dont want to hurt you anymore than I have to but you have to know the truth Bette said. I wish this was easy to explain, but it isnt so please bear with me as I try to explain what I have been feeling and dealing with over the last few months or maybe I should say almost the last year.

The last year Tina said angrily as she pulled her hand away from Bette and got up from the sofa. Youve been having an affair with her for a year?

No Bette said adamantly. I only met Candace the night that I went to see Kit sing. It was after you lost the baby and you werent up to going.

Is that when the affair started? Tina asked her voice filled with anger. While I was home grieving over the loss of our son you are out ***** some one else.

God no Bette said her voice filled with anguish. Do you really think so little of me that you would believe that?

I told you I dont know what I believe anymore Tina said.

Maybe there is no need for this conversation to continue Bette said as her heart was breaking. You are going to believe the worst in me and honestly I cant say I blame you.It seems pretty obvious that it doesnt matter what I say because the outcome will be the same so why put both of us through this torture. Bette got up from the sofa and started to the front door. I think I need some air.

Damn you Bette Tina yelled at Bettes back. You did this to us.

Bette stopped walking and turned around and walked back towards Tina and she stopped when she was standing right in front of Tina.

Tina I will admit that I take most of the blame because I screwed up royally by having the affair Bette said softly. But if you are honest with yourself you will see that we did this to us.

Tina was momentarily stunned at Bettes words and she opened her mouth to deny it but something within her stopped her.

Somewhere along the line we stopped communicating Bette said. We took each other for granted and we stopped taking the time to see how much we love each other and spending quality time together. Im not saying that is why I had the affair but it was part of it. There are so many reasons that play a part of it.

Tina knew that Bette was right. She had known within her for quite a while that something was wrong. Maybe that is why she had pushed for them to go to therapy.

What are the reasons? Tina asked her voice calmer now.

Do you really want to hear them? Bette asked. Are you willing to listen and not jump to the worst conclusion immediately?

I have to hear them Tina said. If I dont and I walk away, I will always wonder why.

Okay Bette said. Lets sit back down. Bette took a deep breath after she sat down and tried for the second time that morning to try and explain to Tina what happened. I need to tell you some details about the affair before I get to the reasons. I dont want you to believe that the affair was a long time thing because it wasnt. In fact it was very short lived. The first time we were together was 3 days before the Provocations opening and only once thereafter.

Tina was sitting with her heartbreaking, her hand covering her eyes, tears running down her face and trying to stay calm but not having much success.

So did you enjoy ***** her? Tina asked angrily. Was she better than me? No wait dont answer that because you went back for more.

Tina I am not even going to go there with you, but I will say that you got the word right. Bette said her voice filled with regret. What I had with Candace was just a *****. No emotional connection, a way to hide from myself and to not have to deal with everything that was going on in my life. It was only ***** Tina. It was never about making love and it was never even close to what we have together.

Why didnt you turn to me? Tina asked. Havent I always tried to be there for you?

Yes Tina you have, but you were part of what I was dealing with Bette said softly. I have been losing my self for the better part of a year. I have been dealing with so much inside and never really vocalizing when I had doubts or hiding my feelings trying to be the strong one, trying to be in control all of the time. I think it just reached a point where I couldnt do it anymore and that is why I turned to Candace. It could have been anyone though. I just needed to not have to face my problems and to not be the one in control.

Bette we were going to therapy Tina said. Couldnt you have talked to Foxworthy?

Tina you know I didnt want to be there Bette said. I only went because you insisted and I hated being there. Its ironic because now I see I cant face my demons alone and am seeking help. I am not seeing Foxworthy though because I didnt like him.

I am glad you are seeking help Tina said. Do you feel that you can tell me now what you were dealing with?

You want the list? Bette asked. Ill give you the short no explanation list in no particular order. We were trying to start a family, you not getting pregnant, having to find a suitable donor and us arguing over it and us being desperate enough to bring home a guy we barely know, me having doubts about being a good parent, dealing with the board and almost losing my job at the CAC, worrying about being the sole supporter, feeling smothered because after you quit your job you became totally dependant on me, you getting pregnant and dealing with the possibility of my father not accepting our child, being attacked at therapy by Yolanda about my racial identity, dealing with the attack on the gallery, losing our child and us not really sharing that grief, me trying to be the strong one for you and hiding my pain from you, the ordeal with Faye Buckley and her words about God taking our unborn son, me letting you go to Palm Springs because you needed time to heal and recover from the loss of our son when I desperately needed you with me.

Tina sat there and tried to absorb everything that Bette had just said. She had no idea that Bette had been internalizing all of these things.

God Bette Tina said. I had no idea. But I guess I wouldnt have, because you didnt feel that you could talk to me about any of it. I even tried to help you deal with Yolanda attacking you but you shut me down. You didnt want to let me help you.

Tina during that time I was doubting my self and I was asking myself if the feelings I was having was because I was panicking over the baby and being a parent and at one point I even questioned whether I was falling out of love with you Bette said. I was withdrawing from everything and everybody.

You questioned your love for me? Tina asked as tears filled her eyes and ran down her face.

Yes but I wasnt falling out of love with you Bette said adamantly. It was just the pressure of everything. I love you more than you will ever know.

Tina sat there for a moment trying to deal with what Bette had said and she knew she couldnt stay there with Bette a moment longer. Hearing Bette say that she had questioned her love for her was too much for her to handle so she got up and started walking to the door without saying a word.

Tina Bette cried out. Tina, please dont go.

Tina kept right on walking out the door and away from the cabin. She managed to make it a couple of hundred yards from the cabin before she broke down crying. Bette sat inside the cabin with tears running down her face and saying to her self God what have I done?

TBC