Oh my god; shes asking me about the e-mail. I hate to lie, but I know I am going to – to hide the addiction, to cover up the obsession.

Uh, yea, as a matter of fact there was, I lie not able to look her in the eye. Chris and Sam sent one of those, you know, just saying hi notes. (K doesnt do e-mail — she prefers real contact like phone calls) They are thinking about coming down next month to visit Sams mom. I guess shes not doing too well and Sams sister needs some help to check out assisted living facilities or something. (at least thats what I heard from a mutual friend) Hopefully theyll have a some time to stop by. (What a fuc*ing liar you are, a pathetic cowardly liar !!)

Cool, oh hey hon, that reminds me, K replies oblivious to my deception.. She lowers her head just a little trying to catch my eye. She likes to look at me (or through me I feel) when she talks. I do like that about her. You know, you really should give some serious thought about getting a new bike. (Chris and Sam are a couple from North Carolina we met on our last cycling excursion. Thats what we do – we ride bikes. Thats how I met K). I mean, no offense, but that old ladies six speed cruiser you have is OK for the day rides, but youre gonna need something more durable especially if were really going to go on that 10-day Iowa thing next spring. Think about it, OK? And lets give those guys a call after dinner. If they do come down, it would be nice to get together with them if they have time.. Thats too bad about her mom.

Yea, ok well call after dinner, maybe. (or maybe youll forget if I dont mention them again by having Bette and Tina hot ***** all over the house with you for the next 4 hours !)

The meal is awesome and I tell her so; she flashes a shy smile — compliments are so not necessary she always says. She knows I appreciate her, she can feel it. She touches my cheek and I grab her hand before she can get up. I kiss her palm closing my eyes and secretly hope she will forgive my obsessive behavior. K doesnt do obsessive – she thinks obsessions are foolish. I may act the fool to have fun, but I dont want to be a fool in her eyes. I may be older, but sometimes I feel she is the wiser. I just hope she isnt looking too closely.

Hey, she says softly running her fingers through my hair with her free hand. Tell me about the new book youre reading. I kiss her palm again and let her go, smiling oh so wickedly. K knows how much I love a good story; how I can sit for hours just slowly flipping page after page with no regard for the weather, phone, chores, responsibilities of the day — just being absolutely and completely engrossed in the story. She gets a big kick out of the way I love to exaggerate, embellish, lie and pull her leg as I retell the activities of the chapters I just finished. Before I begin to talk about this latest book I sadly wonder to myself why I cant experience the same enthusiasm telling her of the FAN FIC stories.

Maybe its because she doesnt get it like I do. She watches L and really likes the show. She thinks its about time lesbians have something of their own to relate to, yada, yada, yada, and all that stuff. But I dont think she gets it like I do. You guys know what I mean about connecting with someone about something you may or may not have in common. Then one of you says something and you both light up upon hearing it and you smile and nod your heads in agreement because you are thinking the same thing. You are so right about that, you say. I know you know what I mean. But K doesnt want to watch the reruns and thinks I could spend my money on something more significant than a DVD box set of the first seasons episodes. I dont mention the show or the DVDs or the site again. Its not because I cant defend my position or I couldnt hold my own in a petty debate, I just dont want to give her any hint of the addiction. That belongs to me right now and I can deal with it (oh my god, I am so in denial !)

Just as I am about to talk, she glances over at the microwave stand and spies the pile of books on the bottom shelf. She giggles a little and asks, why do check out so many when you can only read them one at a time?

Oh, you know, I try to explain. My mom was a librarian, my sister is a librarian, I was an English major . . I just like to have a bunch on hand — kind of an anal family tradition I guess. I dont know. I see one I like then I see another and another and I end up checking them all out!

I dont know about you, hon, she muses. It sounds a little obsessive to me, kind of like youre addicted .

AAAAHHHHHHH I scream to myself What does she know?? What the f*ck does she know??? And how the fu*k did she find out??

TBC