Bette had another restless night as Tina tried to comfort her. Neither of them slept very well their first night back together. Bette had cried out a few times in the night as Tina tried to hold her.

Bette: T, I am sorry I kept you up. I, I really am sorry. I think I should sleep in the guest room tonight. One of us should get some rest.

Tina: Bette, no baby. I am here for you and I want to try to comfort you. I just want to hold you to make sure you are safe. I am fine. Bette dont try to shut me out. I really need to be here for you no matter what. Things will get better; it will just take some time, thats all.

Bette: T, I hope you are right. Its just this is not how I thought we would spend our first night back in this bed; me barely being able to be touched and not being able to you know. Bette sat up quietly and turned her face from Tina she was quietly weeping now.

Tina slowly turned Bettes face towards her and looked into her eyes. Bette we will get there and in the meantime I just want to take care of you for a change. Please baby let me do that, please. Tina slowly opened her arms to allow Bette to fall into her embrace. Bette cautiously allowed herself to be held but she stiffened as Tina slowly tried to pull her nearer.

Bette: T I am sorry. I am trying; believe me I want nothing more than to be held by you. Its just hard for me right now. Please continue to be patient with me. I really do need you. I am going to my counselor today I really want to get through this T. I need to, for myself and for us.

Tina: I will be patient with you and really baby no worries. We will take it one day at a time and things will get better. Do you want me to go to your counselor with you?

Bette: I think I should go alone but I would like for you to take me, okay?

Tina: Baby anything you want. If you dont want me to stay I will just go by the Center while you are at your appointment and pick up a few things.

Bette: Tina I am sorry if you need to go back to work, feel free. I dont want to keep you from it; I know how much you enjoy it.

Tina: I will go back when you go back. I am able to do a lot of things from here and baby I want to be with you. If I were there my mind wouldnt be on my work. Bette please let me do this.

Tina dropped Bette off at her counselors office. Bette sat there anxiously waiting and wondering when she would begin to feel like herself again.


Bettes counselor Grace came and greeted her walking her back to her office.

Grace: Bette how are you doing today?
Bette sat there realizing she really was desperate to get her life back and she became aware that she didnt know how to do that. She began to cry, Grace, I cant be touched at all. Any loud noise frightens me. I am scared all the time.
Grace: Bette okay, its okay. That is all to be expected under the circumstances. It will take time I suggest that you dont rush it. Rape is a horrible violent invasion of your body and it stays in your mind always but you can and will learn how to have a full life again.
Bette: When? When will I be able to make love to my partner again? I use to feel safe and loved in her arms and now I even stiffen when she tries to comfort me. We just got back together and I havent been able to be with her and I want to, I need to.
Grace: When did you two get back together?
Bette: She came back to me after the attack, after I was uh, uh raped.
Bettes mind started to race and she felt this all too familiar uncertainty. Bette heard herself say aloud what she thought she was only thinking, I am so afraid she might leave me. I am so afraid to get too comfortable. I am so confused I dont know how to behave. Part of me thinks she will leave me if she thinks I am okay. The other part of me thinks she will leave me if I’m not okay. How could I expect her to stay, I can barely be held by her? I guess I dont trust her being there. I am so afraid she will leave me. Bette realized she was dealing with more than just the attack, as if that wasnt enough.
Grace: Bette I want you to continue to see me once a week. I want you to call me anytime. Things are rough for you now. But you will get through this. I strongly recommend that you and your partner seek couples counseling. I have a colleague that will probably be very helpful as you and your partner learn how to connect and to rebuild.
Bette: Grace, Am I really that messed up where I need two counselors? Bette said smiling. She then took the card and held it tightly in her hands. At this point Bette knew she needed all the help she could get. I will do anything to get my life back, to get Tina back, really get her back.
Grace: Bette just dont rush into anything. Give yourself some time and go to the counseling. I think things will get back to normal sooner if you dont rush things. My belief is if you rush things and really arent ready you will more than likely delay your progress.
Bette slowly shook her head as she stood and shook Graces hand. As she left she realized she felt totally out of control and she hated that. Bette immediately made arrangements to go back to work the next day. She had heard Graces advice and was willing to do all of it, counseling, couples counseling, but the one thing she couldnt do was to wait and let the healing begin. Bette thought she had to DO something to get some semblance of her life back. Work. Work sounded like it could help her get some control, some order back into her life.

Tina was waiting in the lobby when Bette appeared. Bette saw Tina and smiled.

Hey Tina

Well Hi Bette. How did things go?

I am going back to work tomorrow. I think its time. I do feel better. Talking things out helps me to gain an understanding of what I am going through, you know? Grace has suggested couples counseling and I think we should go”I really need to be able to regain a physical connection with you T and I think the couples counseling will help.

Well Bette I am all for the couples counseling I think we would have headed down that road anyway. I was going to suggest it but not just so we could make love babe. Bette are you sure you are ready to go back to work?

Bette took Tinas hand, T I have to. I cant sit back and do nothing. I want my life back”work, you, you in every way, and me I need to feel like me again. Work is the first step in doing that.

If you are sure I will support whatever decision you make babe.

Bette and Tina held hands as they headed home.
The next morning Bette was up before Tina, making coffee and gathering files she really felt like she was making progress. She looked at herself and saw a glimpse of the old Bette as she stood in her Jill Sanders suit.

Tina got up and went to the kitchen where Bette was gathering her banana and coffee. Good Morning Babe”you leaving already?

I wasnt going to leave without saying good morning to you. Bette walked towards Tina and kissed her on the cheek.

Tina grabbed her cheek and Bettes hand”you really must be getting better. I am so proud of you babe. I just dont want you to rush. Promise me if you need me for anything that you will call.

T, I am fine. I feel better just getting back out there, really. But if I need anything Ill call.
Bette kissed Tinas cheek again, grabbed her keys, and left.

Bette felt great so far. She was excited to get back to work. As she approached the corner right before the CAC she noticed her stomach was beginning to feel a little queasy, she put the window down to take in a few deep breathes. Bette saw the parking garage and began inhaling erratically. She felt consumed with fear, true fear, and wondered what the ***** was going on. She tried to force herself into composure. She rounded the corner to park on the street. She admitted to herself she was not ready to enter the garage she had conceded that point. Bettes breathing was now so erratic she could see her chest moving up and down and her heart felt like it would explode it was beating so quickly. Bette managed to put the car in park and tears streaked down her face. Now Bette sat trembling, afraid, and alone. Bette was defeated and she knew she was in real trouble. There was no way she could go into the building, not now, not yet.

Not wanting to frighten Tina or to even let her know that she had fooled her and herself by the faade she displayed this morning Bette wondered who she could call to help her get back home. Bette thought of only one person, Shane.

Shane was just walking out of The Planet and her cell rang.

Shane: Hello
Bette: Hi, Shane I am in a bit of trouble and need your help.
Shane could here the panic in Bettes voice.
Shane: Bette anything, what do you need.
Bette explained to Shane where she was and that she didnt want Tina to know that she had rushed herself back to work.
Shane: Sweetie you shouldnt havenever mind I am on my way.

Shane drove up and parked behind Bettes car. Bette had been sitting there trying to breathe, trying not to cry and her attempts were hardly successful. Shane slowly approached the convertible and Bette seemed somehow dazed, she didnt notice her standing there. Shane softly tapped on the window that was only partially opened now.

Bette jumped, startled, Oh thank God its you. She opened the door and Shane extended her hand and Bette fell into her arms. Shane held her close and long. Bette I am here, lets get you home. Shane walked Bette to the passenger side of her car and left her truck there.

Ill have Dana come back with me later to get the truck, no worries. Home?

Not yet, lets just drive for a while. Bette and Shane drove in silence. Occasionally Shane would glance over at Bette who definitely seemed more at ease now. You okay?
Im getting there.

Shane pulled into a park and they got out and walked around.

Bette remembered Shane wanted to tell her something the other night and inquired.
Oh, Shane the other night you were starting to tell me something, what was it?

Shane knowing she really wanted to talk to Bette still wasnt prepared. Besides, Kit really had her doubting if she should even mention anything to Bette. Kit was right; Bette and Tina belong together, right? But Bette called me whats that about”she could have just as easily called Tina or Alice but she called me.

Bette its not important, not now. I just want to make sure you are okay. Ice Cream? Shane quickly changed the subject and went to the vendor to buy two cones.

Bette and Shane sat quietly eating ice cream as Shane placed her hand on Bettes shoulder Bette didnt flinch or move they sat there in silence. Shane finally looked over at Bette wanting to say something as Bettes eyes met Shanes she again refrained from opening up instead she asked, Home? Bette wiping her mouth with her napkin, yes”thanks for being there she briefly put her head on Shanes shoulder. Shane began to lose her cool demeanor and quickly got up. Bette a little startled followed.

When they drove up to the house Tina was there on the porch with bags from the grocer. She was planning on cooking tonight to help Bette celebrate her return to work. As she noticed Bettes car she waved and walked from the porch and noticed Shane driving. Whats going on? Why is Shane with Bette?

Bette: Oh, I was hoping we would beat her here. She is home early, really early.

Shane: No worries I will go talk to her.

Bette: No I better.
Bette walked towards Tina, Hey Tina, I messed up. I was nowhere near ready to return to work. I called Shane when I had a little panic attack. I didnt want to worry you sweetie

Tina now a little pissed saw that Bette was really disappointed that she wasnt able to return to work. Bette I asked you to promise me youd call me if you needed me”Baby I’m here for you. I am not going anywhere trust that and trust me. I love you, dont hide things from me and keep me out. Its not fair, its not right and besides that I love knowing that you trust me enough to take care of you. You do trust me, dont you?”

Bette wondered she had no right not to trust Tina. Tina hadnt betrayed HER but somehow Bette was struggling with how they had gotten back together. Bette wondered if she hadnt been attacked if Tina would be there and that made it extremely difficult to let her guard down completely. Knowing she felt this way Bette answered, I want to.

Tina was shocked at Bettes answer. You want to”but you dont, you dont, thats why you called Shane. Bette may I remind you that I didnt have an affair and never would. What have I ever done for you not to trust me”what? Tina was angry now and couldnt conceal it. She was on the verge of tears and Shane was still standing there, a witness to the argument that was bound to happen. Her presence ignited this argument and she wished she could disappear. Of course her truck was still at the CAC. Shane whipped out her cell and phoned Dana. Luckily she was a few blocks away at The Planet.

Tina looked at Shane”I will deal with you later.

Bette: Dont be mad at Shane please let me try to explain T. Its not that I dont trust you its just I keep thinking if I hadnt been attacked you wouldnt be here. That scares me. I keep thinking you are going to leave me. And T even after the horrible attack the one thing I cant endure is you leaving me. Now Bette was in tears too.

Tina went over to Bette. Her beautiful Bette and held her in her arms whispering. Bette I never stopped loving you, never. Regardless of why Im back please trust that I am back to stay, trust that!

That night was a very quiet night in their home. Tina cooked and they went to bed. They were both glad they would be going to couples counseling the next morning, it was apparent they needed it. They both knew that there was so much love between them they just didnt know how to rebuild and reconnect and Bette had her doubts if they ever could. She wanted to but now she realized without trust there was no foundation to build on”once again she felt leveled.

The next morning when Bette awoke she realized she actually managed to sleep pretty well. Tina had held her throughout the night and it really did calm her. Now Tina was up and about making coffee and slicing some fruit for Bette.

Bette: Good Morning”where are you off to, we have an appointment at 10:30?

Tina: Sweetie I wouldnt miss it for the world. I have one quick errand to run and then I will pick you up. Be ready okay?

Bette: Tina Ill be ready.

Tina walked over and kissed Bette on the cheek and Bette reached to hug her. Bette wanted to show her in some small way she WANTED to reconnect. Tina stood still and enjoyed the warmth of her embrace. As she parted from Bette it took all of strength not to go in for a kiss, but she had promised Bette she wouldnt rush her. So she pecked on the cheek and said be ready as she walked away.


Tina pulled up at Lather and saw Shane waiting for her next appointment.

Tina: Can I talk to you for a minute?

Shane: Oh no, what is this about? Whatever it is I have to stay cool. Sure.

Tina: Shane I appreciate you being there for Bette I really do but some things arent adding up. I mean you are always there and really thats not your place.

Shane: Look if Bette needs me and calls me Tina I am there. I hated to see her so devastated..

Tina: Interrupting, Shane we all did. Bette is the love of my life and I dont want to see her ever go through anything like this. I would rather die than to imagine her suffering like that.
Shane stood quietly as she was obviously reminded of something she had somehow forgotten. This woman loved Bette. This woman really loved Bette with each breath she breathed.
Shane then responded Tina I wasnt talking about the attack. I am talking about seeing her after the break up. Bette just wasnt herself. She didnt like herself at all for hurting you. She didnt want to be at the house thats why she was at the CAC that night. Look you guys are back together, fine but Bette cant trust it she thought you were gone forever and if the only reason you are there is because she was attacked she is right not to trust it. She is right not to trust you.

Tina was extraordinarily angry now. Who the ***** is Shane to tell me Bette shouldnt trust me? She has been acting weird since the day we left the hospital. “Shane I dont know what your deal is but believe me Bette and I are solid. If you cant be a friend within boundaries I need you to stay the ***** away from Bette and I mean it.”

Shane on autopilot, Tina if Bette calls I am there. I love her and if she could trust you she wouldnt have call me”think about that. She could have called you yesterday, but she didnt she called me. Why dont you ask her why she chose me instead of you when she really needed someone? Are you afraid to know the truth?

Tina: Shane what do you mean you love her? You know what, dont answer that; it doesnt matter. If you cant respect our relationship we dont need you friendship. Shane stay away from Bette. I am not asking you. I am telling you.

Shane: If she calls me Tina I wont stay away.


TBC