Chapter 9



Thats when she heard a voice behind her whispering.

“Hi T”

Tina froze to the sound of those words, “Oh God,” she sighed, not looking back, that voice …those words…only Bette called her that. Her heart racing, she turned around, the fear of looking into Bettes eyes horrified her, she knew how hard it was for her to face her past …a past she unsuccessfully tried so hard to forget.

The surprise of seeing the person behind her dismantled her; she was now standing face to face in front of none other than Teresa.

Teresa: “Sorry Im late, she said, an apologetic smile on her face.

Tina couldn’t move, her heart sunk to the floor.

Teresa: “Traffic was *****, and my phone has no battery”, she continued, catching the expression on Tina’s face, “are you okay?

Tina was still shocked, a million thoughts ran through her head in those two seconds of silence.

She called me T…..she said it the same way Bette used to say it …I cant be here…..I cant breath ..,she thought.
She finely managed to say, “yes …Im fine …lets get out of here.”

Teresa didn’t argue, she wanted to say “why, I just got here,” but the look on Tina’s face was enough for her to understand that something was wrong.

Teresa: “Okay …where do you want to go?”

Tina: “I don’t care ….anywhere but here”, she said and they left the Planet, Tinas heart still racing.

They each got into their own car and Teresa signaled to Tina to follow her. Somehow she felt that Tina had a hard time being seen with her in public, She drove, glancing into the rearview mirror to be sure Tina was behind her, not knowing where they were going .

Twenty minuets later they where both parked in front of Teresa’s house, on the east side of town.

During the ride Tina managed to calm herself from the surprise she had at the Planet, and decided not to dwell on it, but instead try to enjoy the evening with Teresa.

They walked inside the house. Teresa paid the babysitter and thanked her as she was leaving. Karina was already asleep.

Tina walked around the house, it was exactly the way she pictured it to be. It wasn’t huge but big enough for a child to play in …. Karinas first drawings on the fridge along with her first pre-school report… a blue carpet on the floor … a rocking chair…a photo of Teresa and baby Karina on top of the World Trade Center, a few plants and lots and lots of books…on the shelves ….the TV stand …..organized in small piles on the floor ….on the table ……poetry… children books…fiction…novels…Spanish ..English ..French…anything and everything she could imagine reading, it was all there.

The atmosphere cleared and Teresa felt that Tina was a lot more relaxed then when they met, she was aware at the fact that something startled Tina at the Planet, but decided to make this evening a success after all.

And it was!
After the first embarrassment, they had a great time ,……talking ….laughing ….looking in to each others eyes….Tina even got to meet Karina when she woke up once during the night only to fall asleep again in her mothers arms.
Tina found herself enjoying Teresa’s company and that comfortable feeling warmed her heart again.

The evening came to an end, and Teresa walked Tina to her car, she held Tina’s hands in hers and leaned over tilting her head towards Tina.

Tina knew what was coming next, Teresa was about to kiss her.
The thought of someone being so close to her again scared her but she still accepted the strangers lips against hers.
The contact made her shiver…..it wasn’t unpleasant…on the contrary,….she liked it ,…..it felt,…..familiar.

As she drove back to the apartment, her feelings from earlier that evening, when she was at the Planet disappeared completely.





Saturday, ( a few days later)


Bette was in Heaven, the tour she gave Teresa and the kids was a huge success and the children were enjoying themselves so much they didn’t even noticed Bette’s & Teresa’s intention to educate them.
They all stood in front of Bette as she answered their questions and explained to them about the colors and the different forms of art.
If there was one thing Bette Porter knew about, it was art. The way she presented each and every piece, her patience, the warm, caring voice she used to describe art was exciting to them all, even Teresa found herself fascinated by every word that came out of Bette’s mouth.

At one point, they were standing in front of a painting so beautiful it took Teresa’s breath away.
Bette didn’t even try to explain the painting to Teresa, the look on her face was all that Bette needed to understand that Teresa felt it.
It was a painting of a pregnant woman, her wild blond hair covering one side of her face, her hands caressing her round belly.
They both stood there in silence, both associating the painting with the same woman, with almost the same longing in their eyes.

Bette: “Beautiful……isn’t she?” she asked, half asking half stating a fact.

Teresa: “Aaa hmm”, she answered, she couldn’t take her eyes off it, “what is the cost?

Bette smiled, “in my opinion…priceless……according to the books….5,000 dollars.”
“Weeeesh,” Teresa whistled when she heard the amount, “though I agree with you ….definitely priceless.”

They continued the tour till eventually the children mentioned that they were hungry. They all decided to get something to eat and then go to a nearby park and since Bette wasnt working that day, she joined them.

Bette sat down with Teresa on a bench in the park after they had lunch and took a sip from the coffee she got Teresa and herself.
It was a beautiful spring day and they were both caught up in their own thoughts….Bette was reviewing the last couple of sessions she had that week with her new therapist. She began seeing Dr. Johnson as often as she could. There were so many things that became clearer since she started the process of trying to get to a better understanding of what went wrong in the past couple of years of her life, so many groundbreaking discoveries of her controlling nature and her need for perfection.

It was almost natural that along with those understandings she also shook some of her self-destructive habits.
One of them was Candace, Bette hadnt seen or called her the whole week and she didn’t feel the need to do so either. When she finally met her last night, she told her that she couldn’t see her again, Bette apologized to Candace and explained to her that she realized she was only using her as a tool to lose control with.
She saw that Candace was hurt, after all Candace was really trying to make it work and had put a genuine effort to support Bette.
Candace apologized as well, she told Bette she was sorry she let herself guide the way for Bettes self-destruction and for her role in ruining Bette and Tina’s relationship.

Bette felt that behind the controlled tears that Candace shed Candace understood as well at what they had and the time they spent together was not real, only a minor desperate attempt to escape reality.

“A penny for your thoughts.”

Bette was so caught up in her thoughts that the sound of Teresa’s voice startled her, she remembered they were still in the park ….the benches….Teresa…the kids.

“Ummm?” she said as she was getting her thoughts back to the present time.

Teresa: “It seems pretty intense, whatever it is that youre thinking about.”

Bette looked at her and saw friendship in her eyes, yes it is,” she said, “very intense….I cant even begin to tell you, she exhaled.

Teresa: “Want to talk about it?….it looks like you could use someone to talk too,” Teresa was expressing a genuine concern.

Bette smiled, even though they didn’t know each other for a long time, Bette felt that Teresa really cared.
Bette: “Yes I could definitely use someone to talk too…but….I don’t think….you are the right person to do that with ….it wouldn’t be fair to you.”

Teresa: “Oh I see…” she understood that Bette was referring to Candace and to the fact that she was her sister.

Teresa: “Okay ….how about we agree not to mention any names in our conversation…..just feelings ….two people talking ….would that be easier for you?” She felt that Bette really needed to talk to someone so she was trying to make her feel more comfortable .

Bette was surprised, she saw that Teresa was making an effort to communicate with her, she appreciated the gesture since they were practically strangers and Teresa was Candace’s sister.

Bette: Its a long and painful story,” she said, still hesitating to open up to Teresa.

Teresa: Bette..,” she said in a serious tone, “I have had my share of bad times in life and if there’s one thing I have learned from it is that our body is like a house….if we don’t take out the garbage for a few days, the house will stink …..same for our body …..if we don’t let all the ***** out ….sooner or later well be drowning in it.”


Bette laughed, “great analogy,” she said in a sarcastic way, but she knew Teresa was right, “God… how did she get so wise?”, she thought,” she sure is not the typical 28 year old California girl.”

Bette started telling Teresa about the last year of her life, she told her that she was in a 7 year relationship with a woman she loved deeply and that somewhere along the way she felt that she was losing control, she told her about losing the baby, about her work, the stress, her need for perfection, being confronted about her racial identity in therapy, about her father and the constant need to please him and eventually about her infidelity and breaking it off with the other woman.

She spoke for almost an hour non stop, Teresa looking at her all the time, just listening.
The kids were still playing in the park.

“And now,” she concluded,” she’s seeing a guy, having his child, building what she always wanted …what I couldn’t give her …..building a family…..without me.”
She stopped and took a deep breath, tears in her eyes.

Teresa: “Wow….you really screwed up big time….what a mess.”

Bette laughed: “Tell me what you really think,” she knew , it sure was a mess, although it was a relief to share her feelings with someone, someone who wouldnt judge her.

Teresa took one last sip from her coffee that was now cold and asked Bette: “What about the other woman…..do you love her?” She didn’t mention her sister’s name even tough they both knew she was referring to her.

Bette: “No…I don’t ….I never did…it was just physical… she knew that when we started and she knew that when I broke it off last night …..it was time.”

Teresa already knew that, Candace and her were very close, she didn’t have to tell her anything, she knew her sister well to know that Candace will be okay……Bette wasn’t the first woman Candace had and wont be the last.
Teresa always felt that underneath it all, regardless of how many women she dated, Candaces heart still belonged to ….Yolanda, the only thing that surprised Teresa was that her sister would come between two people in the first place, it wasn’t like her.

Teresa: Do you still love her…the woman that you wanted to build a family with?”

Bette: “Yes I do, with all my heart….it took me awhile to realize just how much I have lost ….and now that I do and I’m seeking help to better understand why it happened….now, its too late…I have lost her forever,” she had tears in her eyes.

Teresa: “You are right about the therapy part, it important to understand why things happen and try too change ourselves for the better, everyone needs an objective person to talk to, therapy is a luxury that everyone should be fortunate to have…..but,….I wouldn’t be so sure about your last words….as they say ….”never say never”…and if you really love this woman…..you shouldn’t give up so fast.”

Bette: “I didn’t …I tried so hard to get her back in the beginning…there was nothing that I wouldn’t do just to have another chance with her …but…she didn’t want anything to do with me….7 years…7 wonderful years of our life …erased ….in a blink of an eye….in one foolish act of betrayal.”

Teresa: “Bette, we all make mistakes, as long as you know that you made it and try to fix it, understand why it happened, and work on it so it wont happened again….there is always hope…never lose hope.”

Bette: “What are you saying…you think I should try and get her back again?”

Teresa: “No, not right now, not before you heal yourself…it doesnt happened in a day, but when you do, and if you feel that you still want to be with that woman, you should definitely try to make her see that you have changed and fight for her love .”

Bette: “First heal myself and then try to heal the relationship,” she whispered concluding Teresa’s advice, “but where do I start?”

Teresa smiled and touched Bette’s shoulder. “You’re starting already, here with me, you are sharing your feelings with someone …and besides …when was the last time you sat on a bench with a friend drinking coffee?…when was the last time you walked barefoot on the grass or read a book that had nothing to do with your work? Start with the little things and the big ones will seem easier.”

Bette couldn’t remember the last time she did any of those things that once were so trivial and now so meaningful, everything got so difficult to do since Tina left ….even breathing.

Bette looked at Teresa with a spark of hope in her eyes.
Bette: “You say go for it?”

Teresa smiled, she had asked Bette the same question when she came back from her first date with Tina, she knew that Bette was asking her if she should overcome her fear of rejection and fight for the woman she loved.
Teresa squeezed Bette’s shoulder and told her the only answer possible for that question .

Teresa: “ALL THE WAY.”

TBC