(F. Y. I . . . . I am once again operating in hurricane mode. Ill be spending the weekend boarding up the windows AGAIN, clearing the porches of anything that moves AGAIN, and just thankful I did leave the lawn furniture in the pool! I know Im not the only one out there storm watching – good luck to you as well . . .
If my electric doesnt go out AGAIN I might get some stories done since I wont be doing much of anything else. As always, you all have been wonderful in your support with the most excellent comments and I have appreciated the opportunity to help you pass the time waiting for WHATSHERNAME to post the next chapter. That girl is such a tease . . .if I didnt like her story so much Id go out and find her and smack her around a little – just something to motivate and stimulate . . but I have to get to Home Depot)



*****, do you even know what day it is? Shorts was not happy with my lack of memory. And when he called me ***** I knew better than to say anything. ***** hath no fury like a woman scorned and my little woman was furious and could definitely make my life a living *****.

Of course I know what day it is – its Tuesday. Im just not too sure what happened to Monday is all. I know we were at Petes last night, I know I had a couple of drinks, I know we were talking about you and Shane and the L Word cause that strange conversation is pretty hard to forget. Im just not sure about the rest of the evening.

Well, before I recap last nights chat, tell me whats on the menu for this afternoon. Shorts still doubted I knew what day it was.

That would be Shrimp Fried Rice at 4:00 if Im not mistaken, correct? I replied.

Thank you sweet Jesus, his replay dripping with sarcasm. All is NOT lost .

Shrimp Fried Rice is the name of Shorts drag queen show which puts on a weekly revue at the local hospice every Tuesday at 4:00 pm. Our hospice is one of the best in the state, serving the needs of the terminally ill and assisting them and their families in adjusting to dying with dignity. No person is denied care and one whole wing of the 150 bed facility is devoted specifically to aids patients. Thats my favorite place to help out – three times a week – and youd be surprised at the clientele – not all of them are ***** men – nope – the place has its share of elderly, women and children. This disease is an equal opportunity grim reaper.

The event, which the guys have been doing for nearly five years, has become so popular that the patients, staff and even outsiders come early and pack the small auditorium at the facility. It started out as a 30 minute song and dance routine but has grown into a full scale production with lights, sound, an emcee, a little comedy and of course the all important audience participation.

Word of the show spread throughout the town and a competing tv station of Shorts actually did a feature on it. Occasionally the three fellows will take the show on the road for charitable fundraisers, but they have never missed a Tuesday at the Hospice.

Besides Shorts, the members of the group include a Korean named Michael– a financial wizard and one of the most sought after local investment brokers in our area. Next is Darryl, an extremely tall, muscular black man -the head masseur at the local spa to the stars. Women love him because they know he is ***** and they dont feel the threat of sexual harassment. Men love him because they want others to think they can go to a ***** massage man and not be considered *****. Rich straight white guys are ***** weird. The groups name is derived from the fact that Shorts is short (Shrimp), Darryl eats chicken and is smokes weed (Fried) and Michael, well Michael is Korean (Rice).

Shorts is the featured singer although all three men take turns at different times during the production to share the limelight. They have six different shows each one showcasing the music of a specific star or genre. There is Bette (Midler), Cher, Barbara (Striesand), Madonna, Broadway show tunes, 80s disco and Motown. Although they use a karoketype machine, each man performs live accompanied by drummer and a keyboard player.

Elaborate costume changes occur at least four times and witty exchange of stale, old, recycled jokes are staples of the show. An emcee will get the crowd all stirred up and rowdy so that by the time the guys actually take center stage youd think you were at a rock concert of epic proportions. ! It is absolutely ***** fabulous.

The show begins the same way each time – lights out, three spot lights circling the audience and the stage, and the emcees voice from behind the curtain bellowing LADIES AND GENTELMEN WELCOME TO TUESDAY AT THE HOSPICE.. DO YOU KNOW WHATS ON THE MENU FOR THIS AFTERNOON?? The audience erupts with SHRIMP FIRED RICE- SHRIMP FRIED RICE – SHRIMP FRIED RICE as they clap rhythmically in anticipation whistling, hooting and hollering.

A drum roll ensues, then the intro music to the most well-known song of the featured artist – always something lively and rowdy. After the opening number the guys, who by the way are really three of the most stunning women you would ever meet!, its always the same schtik . .

(They all use their female persona names – Trini, Darcy and Michele – its a ***** guy thing). Trey will say to one of the others . .

Michele honey, did you know that our show is very much like a cemetery? Did you know that?

Trini whatever are you talking about girl? How is our show like a cemetery.

People are just DYING to get in! Badda Boom goes the drummer !

Of course there are the usual moans and groans along with the laughter – you see each week brings some new audience members. Unfortunately not many of them live to see all six different shows.

Because Darcy is a big man, a food joke is always used . . . Trey again starts . . .

Darcy, sweetie, you just will not believe what I saw on my way here.

Tell me, my mini ami, whatever did you see on your way here.

Now picture this girlfriend. I saw a strip of bacon, thats right bacon, and an egg, uh ha, an egg, walking down the street heading to the Dew Drop Inn for an afternoon beer.

Trini, you be pullin my leg with that stuff, bacon and egg goin into a bar.

No, no, no, its true darling Dar. They went into the bar, sat down and ordered two beers. Of course if I had been with them wed be sipping white wine sprtizers. But back to the story.

So what happened, hon.

Well, Darc, that bacon and egg were denied a drink – the barkeep says HEY WE DONT SERVE BREAKFAST IN HERE !!! Get it, dont serve breakfast – bacon and egg, get it?

Once again the moans and groans from the audience are louder than the laughs.

Next comes the picking on an audience member – a blonde of some type of course – and the inevitable blonde joke. This time its Michele walking out into the audience and questioning different blondes – – Honey, is it true you thought Cheerios were donut holes? And you there, were you staring at the orange juice carton for an hour because it said concentrate?

And of course I am in the act as well. The boys call me their manager – Im actually just a groupie.

Nurse Carlyle, Darryl will call out to the staff member who has just been cruelly and hysterically punked. I understand that you gave our manager a HAND earlier.
The place erupts in laughter and applause as I bow when the spot light finds me in the crowd holding up a rubber hand !!

You see I have three different prosthetics I wear on occasion – well actually two specially medically made and one purchased at HANKS PRANKS HOUSE OF GAGS, GIFTS, AND JOKES.

One is the metal claw type which is the most functional if I actually want to work or perform tasks of any type. One is a very real-looking, non functional, latex-finished, for-appearances-only one that I wear in a queasy crowd. And the third is a fake rubber one which is easily removed and used to get people I find offensive.

Before each show with the help of some of the non-medical staff, like the volunteers or orderlies, we pick out a mark – usually some very crabby temp nurse or mean-***** visiting doctor. Nearly everyone in the place, except the mark, knows what is going to happen and every body is watching – it is one of the funniest things in the history of funny things!

Ill stroll up to the mark and start a conversation – this usually occurs as the patients are filing in for the show. They all wink at me knowing what is about to happen. Most of the time the mark is very unfriendly and act like I am bothering them. They are rude and insensitive and Ill never understand why they are in the profession they are in.

Anyway, after a few short minutes of idle chit-chat Ill extend my hand and thank them for their time. As they shake my hand, I back away leaving them holding the fake rubber extension which has been ripped from my forearm. Without fail they will look at the hand and scream AAHHH, then I will look at my arm with the missing hand, holding it up and scream AAHHH, then one of the orderlies will look over at the exchange and scream AAAHHH then one of the patients will look over at the exchange and scream AAAHHH and in a matter of minutes the entire place is screaming – – and I am laughing so hard that tears are running down my cheeks and Im still screaming AAHHH! Trust me when I tell you it is ***** FUNNY!

Of course the mark takes a few minutes to realize that everyone is on the joke and we usually give them a rowdy round of applause even if they dont appreciate the it. Oh my gawd Im laughing right now just thinking about it!

Hey Shorts, are you going to pick me up today or do I have to find my own way to the show? I ask getting back to our telephone conversation. Its nearly 2:00 and you guys better step and fetch and get over there to set everything up.

Listen here you pathetic alcoholic, he replied. Dont be trying to change the subject around to me. We need to talk about the trip YOU suggested because I got the ball rolling and we need to plan.

Let me see if I remember just a little of that conversation last night. Minus all the details bottom line is we are going to Vancouver to audition for roles on the L Word for season three, right?

So far so good Einstien.

Correct me if I am wrong, and I am sure you will, but its the end of February. The show will end in April or May and filming for next year wont start until July.

Right again Two for Two.

SO why the ***** do we have to talk about this NOW three months before we are going to leave, six months before the auditions and two hours before the revue. WHY?

Because its L you moron – – its L . . .


TBC