Tina and Bette had their day of normalcy, which consisted of things that they would have done, or used to do, when their relationship was at its best. The couple went to the cinema and saw an old Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire movieBette would never admit it to anyone, but Tina knew how much she enjoyed their movies. After that Tina took Bette to the beach and they bought ice cream cones, held hands, and watched the sunset. All the normal almost teenage type dating activities, they did; there was even that tension between the two that would normally occur on a first or second date, it just wasnt the same type of anxiety and tension. This tension stemmed from worry by both parties on how the evening would take the proverbial nose-dive once they set foot back into their home. Tina kept running over what she was expecting to hear from Bette explaining the reasons for her infidelity, the ways she was telling herself to act, and how much this was going to hurt. Bette was trying to let herself enjoy her day with Tina, but things just kept creeping into her head. She worried about how Tina would react to her being completely honest as she told her about the affair, if Tina really wanted to stand by her or stand by the idea of being with herand how her ice cream was now melting down her arm. *****. Bette said switching the sugary-sweet melting confection to her left hand as Tina laughed. Handing Bette a napkin Tina wondered aloud. Deep in thought? Bette finished cleaning up and pitched the remains of her dessert into a garbage bin. Kind of, but hey you were tooand I just couldnt help it. Ive had fun today T, its actually been one of the best days Ive had in a while; which is a little strange considering our circumstance. She paused for a second trying to collect her jumbled thoughts. I dont know what Im doi Bette was getting ready to explain her whole thought process to Tina before she was cut off. I know Bette; I dont know what Im doing either. I just wanted one more day of us I guess. Just in case, ya know? Just in case? Bette questioned carefully. Tina looked up at Bette; she was so obviously destroyed that it made Bette want to be sick. Just in case we dont work after all. I have every intention of giving it my best, I just dont know what you wantwhat you really want. Bette stared open-mouthed catching flies, she couldnt believe what Tina was saying, but then she had to berate herself silently, Tina has every right to feel like you dont want her, you were the one after all, who slept with another woman. Why should she trust me when I tell her that shes the only one Ive ever truly wanted? Snapping out of her stupor she grasped Tinas hands between her own. I know that you arent sure of me right now, and I know that you have every right to feel that way. I also know that I want to tell you to trust me, but you cant do that either. All I can say that is you know me Tina, probably better than I do, and you know yourself. And somewhere in here she tapped Tinas chest with her index and pointer fingers, you know that Im so crazily in love with you, that sometimes I feel like I am insane. That is something you can trust in. Ive felt that way about you since forever. I was put here to love you Tina, and yea it may not seem like that right this moment, but I do, and I plan on taking every possible opportunity to show you that from here on out. She stopped herself, and then realized she may be assuming a little too much, Thats if youll let me. Tina was still, her hands still gathered between Bettes, as she thought of all that Bette was saying to her. She understands she knows that I cant give her trust right now, she knows how I feel. God! How does she always know how Im feeling before I do? Just staring at Bette she realized it was because of the connection that they had had to one another, it may have been shut off for a while, but it was still there ready to be plugged back in and put back to use; and Tina could feel it again. She knew this because she knew how Bette was feeling as well. Scared, overwhelmed, teetering on the edge of sanity waiting for Tina to answerbut all Tina could get out, as it seemed most of her brain was trying to process information still, was, Your hands are sticky. As soon as the words left her mouth she pulled her hands from Bette and smacked herself lightly on the forehead. Sorry. What I meant to say, before my lapse in brain function, was that I would like nothing more than to start over after we talk about all this. And that I know you love me, and Ive said this quite a lot over the past few hours; but dont thing it means any less I love you; good, bad, ups, downs, hurts, and happys; were gonna be in this together. Yeah? Bette gave her a small smile while taking a napkin and trying to de-stickify her hands. Yeah. Good, Tina smiled back I think we should get back, we can start sorting through some of this. She said waving her hand between herself and Bette. As they got up Tina noticed the slight hunch that Bette had in her shoulders, they way she looked down while they were walking. She wrapped her arm through Bettes and grabbed her still sticky hand, not really caring anymore; she gave her final words of reassurance, both to Bette and herself as they got into the car. Were going to get though this. _____________________ Both women were now comfortably seated in the expanse of their backyard at the patio table. They figured it would probably be much safer and wouldnt feel as confined, plus one of them could always get up and walk into the house if it became too overwhelming. Bette was determined not to be the one who walked away from this, she promised she would be one hundred percent honest, and she was going to do exactly that. Tina was also determined not to be the one who walked away. She was always the one who walked away, whenever they were in fights and Bette said something she didnt want to hear, she would walk out and they would wind up not speaking for a day or two. There was one problem at the moment though. Neither knew where to begin, so Tina decided to not beat around the bush as they say. How did it start? Bette looked up, startled by the abruptness of Tinas question. She had to take a minute to try to find the words. When you went to the Dinah Shore weekend with the girls. She came by and I asked her to give me a bid and she dropped it off, we wanted to talk about it more so we had lunch, uhmin my office. Later she came back because sheforgot her bag. As Bette said this a realization dawned on her, something that Alice had told her years ago. The oldest trick in the book, she had said when she told her about the Earring Incident that had brought her and Tina together. She looked up at Tina who was waiting for her to continue and decided to just go for it. She told me she was going to kiss methat I should tell her if I wanted her not to, she said this part quietly and ashamed and then she kissed me. With her head bowed she tried to look up through her lashes to get Tinas reaction. She knew she saw anger and hurt, but she saw something like fear there as well, although it confused her she let it go for the moment. Becoming slightly bolder she looked at Tina who couldnt say anything really still, and decided to ask another question. You didnt stop her. Why? I needed somethingI dont know what it was, I wanted someone close, I felt like you were miles away, you were literally, but I mean emotionally too. Bette, are you serious? Come on! We have always been there for one another to talk to, why couldnt you tell me about this. I know after I lost the baby that things got worse but Bette stopped her mid sentence, there was not hint of malice or anger in what she was about to say. She said it with a calm sadness, I think thats it right there Tina. You didnt just loose the baby, I did too. I was so busy in trying to keep my job, making sure that you were getting better, taking care of that stupid ***** showthat I didnt give myself time to cry, or mourn, or even care. I was so frustrated with myself and with you that I needed someone outside of everything that wasnt so dependent on me, I needed someone to be the one to control things Bette, stop. Tina said, holding her hand up with her eyes flooded and burning. After a few minutes of Bette sitting with her head hanging ashamedly and Tina sitting with a pensive brooding look on her face, Tina once again broke the silence. I get it. I dont want to, but I do. To tell you the truth I didnt think about you and how you felt when the miscarriage happened. I was lost and hurt and I felt like I was dying inside, and I realize now that you were probably feeling the same thing. But looking back I didnt care; I was too numb to care. I blocked everyone out, and I know you tried to help me and be strong, and eventually you did help me get back up and start working againafter that I just made myself so busy so I wouldnt have to think about it. I never really put any thought into how you dealt; I just thought that you did somehow because you held it together. Im sorry for that, for not letting you have me to come to like you shouldve, but it still gave you no right to go to her for that. You couldve gotten through to me Bette. She said so sincerely Bette knew how right Tina was. Youre the only one that I ever listen to, Tina said with a chuckle and wiping her salty tears dripping from her chin. And you know it. At least you shouldve. I would have been more than happy to be the one in control for a while. Do you know how much the act of you giving me control and dropping your walls for one, would have given me? Bette just nodded. Sometimes I feel like you think you need to take care of me Bette, but you dont, not all the time. Sometimes I would like to be the one who holds you when you have a bad day; it makes me feel like I can protect you for a change. Im so sorry T. I know that saying I screwed up is one ***** of an understatement, but I did and Im always going to regret it. Im going to try to work on talking to you, instead of just trying to take on everything by myself, okay? Tina gave her a half hearted smile and said Good, thats all I ask. And Ill work on the fact that I cant keep hiding from my own emotions just because theyre too much, if Im angry Ill let myself feel it, and Ill talk it out with youand I wont run out. Bette just nodded her head and replied with an okay. Do you want to go to bed babe? Its kind of been a long day. Tina asked. Yeah, I guess. They both got up and went inside walking to the bedroom together without even thinking about it. Only when Bette went to take her shirt off did she turn around and ask a bra and panty clad Tina if she wanted her to leave. Bette, she said with a slight chuckle I know every single inch of that body, I love that body, she said a little shyly I dont mindfar from it actually. She said forgetting where that thought was going before she started thinking of a naked Bette. Alright. She said. As she changed she swore she felt Tinas eyes on her and it made her shiver. As she turned around she took a few minutes to look at Tina who was sitting on the edge of the bed putting her hair up. She missed Tina; they hadnt made love in so long. She missed the connection that they had, the smell of Tina, the taste of her sweat, the way her face crunched when she climaxed and screamed Bettes name. Just the though alone caused her to smile and giggle a bit, which Tina heard. Whats so funny Porter? Tina asked lifting a perfectly waxed brow. Nothing, just thinking about how adorable you are. She said so honestly that she somewhat shocked herself. She felt a little embarrassed about it at first, not knowing how Tina would react, but as soon as she saw the grin that was threatening to split Tinas face she knew it was okay. So are you coming to bed or are you just gonna stand there and sleep? Are you sure T? I mean I can sleep on the couch I want to be close to you Bette. Bette followed Tinas wishes and crawled next to her, grabbing her hand under the sheet as Tina rolled over and put her head on Bettes chest. With the other hand she reached up and let her finger massage Tinas scalp and play in her hair a bit. After a while she heard a contented sigh and Tina make a statement. We did good today Babe, for a first try, we actually got through a lot. Im proud of you babyand I know its far from fixedI just wanted to let you know that I believe in youand me. That its all going to work out eventually. Bette kissed the top of Tinas head and whispered an I know. After a few more silent moments she heard the soft even puffs of breath from Tina and knew she was asleep. Bette let a few tears fall then. Thank you god for this woman. She was so grateful for the fact that Tina could be so thoughtful of how Bette may have been feeling, even though she hadnt at the time. But how could she when Bette didnt even know what she was feeling. Bette continued to offer up the prayer inside her head to whoever was going to listen. Just watch out for us and help us get through this, because I know its going to be one ***** of a ride. And thank you for letting us find each other all those years ago she would have kept going but her eyes were heavy with the weariness of the day, and her mind couldnt help but start to shut down as she let her body relax into the one that was holding her tightly around her stomach, and the heart that was beating right next to hers. She prayed that it would be that way longer than forever.