They had been whisked to the airport to catch the red eye to New York City, ala Peggy Peabodys private limo. Bette was scheduled to give a lecture, along with several other gallery curators, at the one and only Guggenheim Museum the following afternoon. Alice and Dana had frequent flyer miles they wanted to use and Shane and Jenny well, they just were along for the ride. Who the ***** wouldnt want an excuse to go to the big NYC? Alice ran up to Jenny and threw her arm around her tense shoulders.

Alice: Dont you worry! These are the safest planes ever built.

Alice held up the book she had been reading and shot off a reassuring wink!

Jenny: Oh, Ill be fine Alice. I took a Valium!

They boarded the plane and the minute they sat down, Dana and Shanes hands went in the air to score some booze from the hot stewardess as she sashayed passed them. They had a six-hour flight ahead of them and they were gonna party!

Shane, Dana and Alice sat right across the isle from Bette, Tina and a now passed out Jenny. Shane was chugging down a Dewars and 7 as Dana read her magazine and Alice shot spitballs at the back of Bettes head. Bette was facing Tina when the last one nailed her and as she dug around for it, she turned and said, One more! One more and Im gonna shove that straw up your *****! Alice, who had dropped the straw immediately after releasing the last round, had looked around real quick before making confused eye contact. Im sorry, what? Are you talking to me? I…I..

Bette: No, not at all. Im talking to the other freak thats been rolling spitballs in her mouth for the last half hour!

Alice turned to Dana and said, Have you been rolling spitballs Dana? Dana just rolled her eyes as she turned the page and threw back the last gulp of her Mai Tai.

Bette: Look at your tray Alice. What do you think Im blind?

Alice looked down and proudly smiled at the meticulous row of spitballs that were laid out before her. They were perfect she thought. The best spitballs this side the Mississippi! Rolled tight, perfectly round and seeping with juuuust the right amount of spit.

Alice: Oh. Those arent spitballs.

Bette: If youre bored, why dont you read that stupid book you bought?

Alice: Stupid? I think not! And besides, I read it already. Ive noted the emergency exits, AND I know where the life preservers are! So dont you worry your pretty little head about that! Got it covered!

Bette: Whew! You mean I can rest easy now? Life preservers huh? Well, I guess that would come in handy, ya know, if we were flying over water!

Alice: Well, well be flying over several large lakes along the way Bette.

Dana: Want my magazine?

Alice: Nope! Im hungry. Who ya gotta blow to get a sandwich around here?

Theyre taking orders now! Tina said as she looked up from her book and pointed over at the hot stewardess, not a few rows away. As she approached them she smiled that dazzling stewardess smile, you know the kind, REALLY white and perfectly straight. Ladies? Chicken or Fish?

15 Minutes later….

Alice could hear Danas stomach start to rumble as she scoffed the last piece of fish from her plate. You seriously should have had the chicken Dana. Alice watched as Dana licked at her fingers and said, with a mouthful, The fish was excellent! Alice looked over and spotted Tina and Bette piling their empty plates and trays into a neat stack…ya know, to make it easier for the hot ***** stewardess. Ha! Lesbians!

Half hour later…..

Alice came back from the bathroom to find not only the food tray, but also her spitballs GONE! As she plopped herself down she said, Son of a *****! Dana I told you not to let her take my……Dana?

Alice leaned in and looked closely at Dana who was now sweaty and green, as she sat back sporting a sickened look on her face. Whats wrong with you? Dana rolled her head over toward Alice and said, Im not…. Im not…Im…. and threw her head forward as she let it all ride.

Alice: OH MY GOD! Dana! My new Kenneth Coles!!

Alice held Danas head and as she looked to Shane well, she got pretty much the same thing. Shane! HERE!! Alice grabbed the barf bag from the back of the seat and threw it in Shanes lap.

Bette: What? What the ***** is happening?

Alice: Oh my God, Bette…. theyre both sick!

Bette: Ick, gross! Im going to use the bathroom.

Tina followed Bette out and stood over Alice, as she reached her hand over and began rubbing Danas back.

Tina: Maybe its from the drinks? What did they drink?

Alice curiously looked about the cabin and noticed, well…she noticed a lot of heads missing!

15 Minutes later….

Anyone who could still stand was now running up and down the isle trying to get help, or wetting rags in the back sink. The Malay that had broken out was panicking the hot stewardesses to the point where they were now huddled in the corner, holding onto each other for dear life! As people ran passed them the only thing they could say was, Oxygen? Everyone was screaming and falling over each other as they tried their best to make it to the bathroom. Not many made it. Oh my God could this be any more disgusting! Bette yelled out as another passenger dropped to their knees in front of her, and let it fly.

Alice stood up on her seat and began to assess the situation as Tina nursed Dana and Shane in back of her. Jenny was still passed out and Bette was sitting next to her, buckled in tight, and holding her mouth. Alice looked down at her. What? Are you going to be sick?

Bette: No! This is just my disgusted look!

Alice: Oh, well, its pretty. You a…wanna help me?

Bette: You a….***** NO!!

Tina: QUICK, I NEED TOWELS!!!

Alice, still standing on her seat, grabbed a towel off the shoulder of a passerby as he ran passed her in horror! Here Tina! Tina grabbed the towel as Alice looked down at Bette. What did you eat? Bette winced as another fallen passenger stumbled passed her. Chicken. Alice looked up and down the isle and nonchalantly said, Me too! Tina? What did you eat? Tina was holding Danas head in her lap as she said, Huh? Chicken! Just the sound of the word CHICKEN made Shane let loose!

Alice: Uh huh…. thought so. Yep. We got a massive case of food poisoning on our hands my friends!

Just then, a stewardess came running out from the Cockpit. IS THERE A DOCTOR ON BOARD?? THE PILOTS ARE DOWN!!!

As the horrified, blood-curdling screams filled the cabin, Alice grabbed for her book and jumped down off of her seat, landing on a sickened passengers foot. OWWWWWWW!!

Alice: Sorry! My bad! Bette, Im gonna need your help on this one.

Bette: ***** that! I have a lecture to give tomorrow!

And on that note all the oxygen masks simultaneously deployed! Bette faced forward and stared at the swinging mask before her as Alice looked over to the now shrugging hot Stewardesses!

Hot Shrugging Stewardesses: Thats all we know how to do!!

All of a sudden, the plane took a hard RIGHT!

Tina: OH MY GOD!!

Bette reluctantly threw her legs into the battlefield that used to be an isle, and almost dry heaved as she stood. Im not gonna make it! Alice grabbed her hand and led her off toward the cockpit. They fought their way through the fallen and when they finally approached the door, Alice turned to Bette and said, I have to warn you! This might not be pretty. Bette turned back and looked at the grotesque scene behind them and said, Youve gotta be ***** kiddin me!

As Alice reached for the handle a stewardess threw the door open, slamming her in the head as she screamed, HEEEELLLLPPP! Alice grabbed her by her shoulders and gave her a quick slap, silencing the screams. The Pilots are down…the pilots are down….

Alice: We know, now step aside lady and let us do our job!

As she stepped to the side, Alice stepped in and assessed the situation. Well, we got one, two, three down in here Bette. Not pretty my friend. Not pretty at all!

Bette: Well, what are we supposed to do Alice? Maybe they put it on auto pilot!

Alice: Nope. Not the way this puppy is veering off course. See this gage here. Were in a nose dive my friend…a NOSE DIVE!

Bette: NOSE DIVE…NOSE DIVE…ALICE!!!!

Alice: Not to worry Bette. I brought my STUPID BOOK along. Well be fine!

Alice held up her book and flashed the cover, Everything Youve Ever Wanted To Know About A 747, But Were Afraid To Ask in Bettes face!

Bette: FINE! ALICE WE WONT BE FINE!!! WERE GOING TO CRASH…. CRASH AND DIE…. THAT BOOK IS STUPID! IM NEVER GOING TO GET TO GIVE A LECTURE AT A REAL MUSEUM! MY FATHER WILL BE SO ASHAMED OF…(SSSSLLLLLAAAPPPPPP!)

Alice: You need to chill out, like PRONTO! Now help me move the bodies!

Alice and Bette threw the pilots off of their seats. Alice jumped in and grabbed for the headset. As she placed it on her head she adjusted the microphone to float over her lips. Bette! Does this look cute? Bette was shaking like a leaf as she climbed over the bodies and took a seat next to her. What are we doing Alice? Just then the door to the cockpit flew open and an open-mouthed Tina stood staring as the screams from in back of her poured in. Alice and Bette turned to face her. I dont even want to know! Tina said, as she slammed the door shut.

Alice: That might be for the best! Bette put on that headset. DO IT!!!

Bette jumped and as she reached for the headset, Alice thumbed through the book. She would give her thumb and occasional lick as she turned the pages. You gotta be kidding me! Were nose diving ALICE!!

Alice: Patience Bette! We have time. See this gage. Were nowhere near the ground. Ok, It says to pull up on this stick, and to make sure this gage is level. HA! Piece of cake!

As Alice did what the book instructed, Bette looked around astonished! Its…youre leveling it off!!!

Alice: HA, no *****? Ya think??

As the plane leveled off, the muffled screams coming from beyond the cockpit door quieted down. Ya know Bette, this really isnt much different from the Mini! Just bigger! But the gages are just as cute…ya know, how they light up and all?

Bette just stared as Alice played with a couple switches on the dash and giggled. Just then a voice could be heard coming in over the headset. DO YOU READ ME? Alice threw up her hand and said, I got this Bette! Bette just rolled her eyes and looked nervously out into the horizon. This is Alice Pieszecki, writer extraordinaire? No, Nothing? Any who, I am now piloting this craft! I think I have most of it covered…well, except the landing gear. You guys are gonna have to talk me through that part! The gasps that came over the headsets made Bette start shaking again. Did you hear that? They gasped ALICE! THEY THINK WERE DOOMED! Alice waved her hand around and said, Theyre just dramatic people by nature Bette! Not to worry!

Air Traffic Controller: Are you telling me you have taken over the plane?

Alice and Bette both looked at each other and shrugged. Uh, I guess so! I mean your pilots ARE passed out! Really didnt have a choice here guys!

Air Traffic Controller: What are your demands?

Alice shrugged again until Bette threw her hand over the microphone. OH MY GOD! They think were hijackers!!

Alice: Ohhhhhh…..No, no guys…uh, uh! No, see, you guys served FISH! And your pilots ate FISH! See…. Jesus! And I thought Lesbians were dramatic… ha! See, I told my girlfriend not to eat the fish…well, I wont bore you with ALL the details, but she never listens to me, Yada, Yada, Yada, so she ate the fish. And after a close inspection on my part, I noticed some…..

Air Traffic Controller: OH MY GOD!! Are you telling me the pilots are unconscious?

Alice: Duh!!

Air Traffic Controller: OK, DONT PANIC! DO NOT PANIC!! WELL LAND YOU…

Alice, who had been whistling to pass the time till they got caught up, stopped and said, Sweet! Im ready!! Bette just looked over at her and said, God help us all!

One Hour Later…..

Alice: So then I said, Dana…You know Im not into three ways! I mean, what kind of person does she think I am….

Bette: Well, there definitely seems to be some insecurities on her part…

Air Traffic Controller: OK!!! MAAM!! ARE YOU WITH US??

Alice: No he didnt just call me Maam! And its about time! I was just waiting on you guys!!!

Air Traffic Controller: OK! You should be able to see the lights in front of you. We set up an emergency runway for you. Now, youre going to do what I said about the wheel deployment now!

Alice: Way ahead of ya! I dont mean to pull rank, but the book says its best to do it at 15,000…so apologies, but thats what I did!

Bette: Dont argue with him Alice! Just say YES!

Alice: Uh, YES! Ha, there it is! I see the runway. Wow! Thats bright huh?

Alice ripped her headset off and turning to Bette said, We dont need him anymore. I got this!

Bette: WHAT!! Alice!!!! Put that back on!!!

Alice: Bette, hes a crackpot! I know what Im doing…. just a…ya know, buckle up. Safety first!!

Bette threw her head from side to side as the lights in front of the plane became brighter and brighter. She did a Hail Mary as she pulled the seat belt as tight as it would go. HOLY ***** ALICE!!!

Alice: No biggie Bette. Were almost home free my friend. Home freeeeee!

As they touched down the wheels gave out and sent the airplane skidding down the runway. A sea of orange flashlights could be seen flying through the air as the grounds crew fled for their lives. The Valium had finally worn off and as Jenny watched the sparks flying passed the window next to her, she smiled and said Pretty!

Bette: OH HOLY ***** WERE GONNA…

Bette threw her hands up over her face as the plane crashed and ripped through the terminal before finally skidding to a stop, next to the gift shop. Alice looked down at herself in shock before finally landing her excited eyes onto Bette, who was now crying! She threw her hand in the air as the smoke filled the cabin. WOO HOO!! HIGH FIVE SISTER! THAT ***** ROCKED!! YEAH!!!


All the passengers were now either sprawled out on gurneys or standing over their sickened loved ones, as Alice bragged to anyone who would listen about how she landed the *****. Oh, and if it wasnt for her and her STUPID book choice, well, theyd be goners of course! Tina just looked up at her as she cradled Dana and Shane. Bette lay on the ground checking her pulse as the EMT workers began flooding in all around them.

Alice: Yes I can give you an autograph. Ha! Fans!

Bette rolled her eyes and stood up as a camera crew, police officers, and a very irate Air Traffic Controller approached.

Bette: Alice!

Alice: Bette, dont worry. I was waiting for this. Theyre probably gonna congratulate me and such. I dont want you to worry. Ill put in a good word for you too. My little Co-pilot! How do I look?

Who is Alice Pieszecki?

Alice: Ok, here we go! Bette! You might want to take the spitballs out of your hair right about now. Were gonna be on the news sister!

Alice turned and as she faced the camera, said, Uh, that would be me officer! You probably want to hear about how I took charge and brought all these people to safety!

No! Actually I dont! Alice Pieszecki, youre under arrest!

Alice: Im sorry…. What?