I love her.
There have been moments when I have told myself that I could live without her. However, when I realistically try to imagine my life without her in it, I cannot do so. She is comfortable, familiar. We know each other so well. Perhaps that is the problem.
Something doesnt feel right anymore. I love her, but am I in love with her?
We go our separate ways in the morning, sometimes not even remembering the obligatory peck on the check before leaving through the doorway.
I remember when a phone call from her would stop my heart. No matter what I was doing or whom I was with at the time, I would drop everything for a phone call from her.
I remember getting up early in the mornings (and I hate early in the morning), spending an hour to drive across town, just so that I could see her for a few moments before work. I remember the smell. As I walked in her door, I instantly smelled the scents from her shower as they permeated her house; her soap and shampoo. I would beg her to play hooky or at least go in to work late so that we could make love. When I now get into shower each morning after she has finished, I no longer notice the scent in the air from her fragrances.
What happened? We rarely call each other during the day anymore. When she calls it feels more like an annoyance, an interruption than like the heart stopping call from my lover. I remember when her descriptions of the most mundane things such as what she ordered for lunch would thrill me. Now, I wonder why she bores me with such trivial matters.
At the beginning, we would stay awake all night making love. I cant remember how long it has been since we made love.
I remember when I couldnt get enough of the sight of her body. Ive seen it so many times, I dont even notice anymore when she walks naked in front of me.
Her kisses used to thrill me. They are so boring now, always the same, no mystery.
I suppose someone would argue that we are in a rut, bored, the seven-year itch. Is it more than that? I realize sometimes that, if true to my vows, I will never have another lover. It is true that new love is the best. It is exciting, fun. When we began our relationship, I loved that feeling of not sleeping, not eating, not being productive at work. All I could think of was her; all I wanted to do was be with her. If true to my vows, I will never again have those feelings.
Ive read the self-help articles. I know the spiel about putting excitement back into the relationship, trying new things. The reality is that I dont know if either of us are interested enough to make such an effort. She seems content with chastity and routine. She seems content to know that she will never again feel the excitement that comes from a new love, a new relationship. Besides, I dont know that I believe all of the hype. Would adding a ***** toy to our repertoire really change the fact that we no longer have *****? Would new lingerie change the fact that our infrequent ***** is so routine? We each know how to please the other; there is no mystery, no challenge. I do what you like; you do what I like; we roll over and go to sleep.
Is there hope for us? It is worth risking what we have built to find out what I am missing. Is it a worthwhile gamble to risk seven years, our home, our friends, and our life as we know it in pursuit of the opportunity to one more time experience the sleeplessness and drama of a new relationship?
I guess that is the crux of the problem. I miss the thrill of the beginning. Do I love her enough to never again experience that thrill?