Bette gulped down a bottle of water to refresh herself and rebound from the unexpected verbal lashing she’d taken. Melvin’s words hurt her almost as much as the infidelity she was trying to rebuild from. Sadness washed over her, but it was the sadness of her father being right and she knew that now more than ever, she needed to get things right with Tina. Bette tried to trace how it could have happened, and then it dawned on her that when she went into her address book, she clicked on Porter, but didn’t identify which one and it was sent to all three of them. Bette read and re-read the email. She made changes to some of the things shed written, not wanting to sound like a wimp for being so emotional. Still feeling unsure of what she was doing, but decided to hold off on sending the email and returned Kits call before Kit called her.

Hey Kit, Bette tried to sound confident. Sorry, I couldnt speak earlier. Important business call, Bette embellished.

Yeah, whatever, Kit dismissed. I wanna know how I got this here email and why? Kits tone was direct and commanding, the complete opposite to how it usually was and Bette winched.

Uhm, it was an accident, Bette slowly replied. It was late, I had thoughts I wanted to get out and, uhm, instead it just going to me, you and, you were included, Bette struggled, almost revealing something she didnt want Kit to know.

Kit paused. She had a feeling there was more to what Bette was saying, but couldnt put her finger on it. Why not just send it straight to Tina? Kit thought. She sighed and then spoke again. Bette, Im just gonna come right out and say this aiight? Kit asked, but didnt wait for a response. Was Tina ever supposed to get this?

Bette was speechless and choking on air. She thought about Kits question and knew that a part of it was valid. If Tina was supposed to get the email, why didnt she just send it to her? More questions to the many that still remained unanswered.

Yes, she was supposed to get it, Bette replied slightly offended. What made you ask that?

Bette, I may not be Harvard educated, but dont play coy or insult my intelligence, Kit was getting annoyed.

Im not trying to do that. Im just

Youre still scared and you wont admit it. I bet you even changed it did you, Kit challenged.

Bette bit her lip hard. How is she this intuitive? Bette questioned to herself. Damn her! She fumed in her head, and took another sip of her water. Okay, so Im still a little scared, is there something wrong with that? Bette fired back. You have no idea what this is like Kit. None,

And with those words, Bette set the stage for an argument was unprepared for. Kit paced the floor with heavy steps, her mood nose-diving to the pits of fury. Kit couldnt believe how Bette could so easily dismiss her feelings because she hadnt been in a relationship like theirs, or so Bette thought.

Are you sitting down lil sis?

Yes, why?

Cause what Im about to say is gonna knock you off your feet and I wanna make sure you dont hurt yourself when I bring you down a notch, Kit spit. You came to me in need tellin me bout how you did Tina dirty and all that. I tried not to take sides and guide you the best I could. I told you to fight for the woman if what you truly wanted didnt I?

Yes, Bette nervously replied.

Cool. I also told you Id be there for you and all that, but you had to be open and honest witcha feelins cause that was a part of why things started to fall apart right?

Uhm, yes.

Aiight, then first of all, why the ***** didnt ya just send Tina the email right off the bat? And second, why the ***** do you have to be so damned insulting? Kits voice cracked. I may not have been in a seven plus year relationship Bette, but I have loved someone long and hard, only to have things to turn to *****. So, dont you dare presume to tell me I dont know ***** about what it feels like, Kits voice was filled with emotion. And finally, theres nothing wrong with being afraid and if you stopped covering and let yourself be human, you might get Tina back. She misses ya you know, Kit rambled on and revealed something Bette didnt know.

How do you know she misses me? Bette immediately inquired, ignoring everything else Kit said.

Kits sharp mind was still in tact and she wasnt about to let Bette get off the hook that easily.

Uh, uh! Now you stop right there baby girl, Kit snapped back. You aint gittin off that easily.

What? What did I do? Bette queried.

You just dissed everything I said and only responded to hearing Tina misses you. Now, you back the ***** up and address what I said or Im gonna show the original email to Tina, Kit threatened.

Bette twisted nervously in her seat. She knew Kit was serious and didnt want to risk being blown out of the water. As much as she hated to admit it, Bette knew Kit was right. In spite of everything, Bette was still hiding a part of herself. Shed allowed Kit to see her hurt and vulnerable, but she still wouldnt allow Tina to see her that way. Bette had allowed herself to be weak when they argued over her being with Candace, but she hadnt really reached out to Tina the way that would help Tina to see or feel what was at the core of her want and need for her. Bette argued in her mind on how to react to Kit, but nothing would change what she knew was true. With Kit having the original version of the email, Kit had the upper hand and wouldnt hesitate to use it if Bette didnt start allowing herself to be human.

Before Bette could reply, Kit started again. Im not even gonna waste more time arguing with you. Tina called me today to say hi. We chatted for a bit, and before you ask, I didnt mention the email. She said she misses you, but shes afraid to let herself get close again. She seems happy and I liked how she sounded. I know its prolly not my place to have told you all that, but at least shes not afraid to show emotion, Kit said flatly.

Kit, Im sorry I was rude to you. I didnt mean it. Its just that, well, this is so hard, Bette stuttered. One day Im up, then another Im down. Its a rollercoaster thats making me sick. I do still love her. I want her back home so bad that I hate going to bed at night. I just, just dont know how to go to her. I reach out, then I pull back thinking shell reject me. Does that make sense? Bette forced the words out.

Kit sat down and put her hand over her heart as she was taking instructions through heartbeats. Baby girl, the only way to heal is to deal. Its like the program; it only works if you admit you have a problem. You have to fess up once and for all, Kit said in a soothing voice, tired from arguing.

But, its so hard seeing the lost and sad look in her eyes, Bette admitted. Im afraid shell just say its over and that she cant or wont be able to trust me again, she confided.

Kit could hear the tears in Bettes voice and didnt want to have her that upset at work, so she settled her thoughts and spoke through her tender heart.

Look, all I can say is one way or another yall need to get to the bottom of this. I cant tell you whats the right or wrong way to do it, but I do know that you have to face her with all your vulnerabilities, fears, and doubts on the table. No more hiding, embellishing, or edited emails, Kit drove her points home. If you can stand up to Melvin, big fancy artsy fartsy types, Kit chuckled, and who know who, then you can face your wife. You owe that much to her and to yourself, Kit concluded, hoping shed made herself clear.

Bette considered everything Kit said and it all made sense even if she wanted to say it didnt. Maybe the email was the final straw and it was time to take the horse by the reigns and steer herself in the direction she needed to go.

Youre right Kit and I thank you for not sugar coating anything. I know Im not always easy on you, but I do respect you, Bette said in a soft tone. Im going to send the original version of the email to Tina and Ill blind copy you on it so you know it went out. Im going to ask her to meet me at a mutually convenient time and place so we can talk.

Good. You need to do this Bette, Kit reassured her fretful sister. Youll be a better and stronger person no matter what happens. I love you baby girl.

I love you too Kit. Ill call you in a couple days. Bye. Bette ended the call and stared at the monitor. She went back and pulled up the original version of the email and read it out loud.

Dearest Tina:
This is probably the hardest thing Ive ever had to do in my life, so bare with me if I ramble, mess up, or say anything odd okay? I guess I should start again, by saying how sorry I am for hurting you, hurting me, hurting us. They say you dont know a good thing til its gone, and thats how I feel now. I know weve had our share of problems, but none that should have ever warranted what I did. I know I get so caught up in everything that I forget who I am sometimes. I shouldnt do it, but I do anyway and its not fair to you. Its not fair to our friends either because theyre the ones who have to fill in when Im not there for you or with you. Tina, baby, God, I cant tell you how bad I feel. Sometimes I just want to punish myself for cheating on you. I shouldnt have and its not like it made anything any better anyway. All it did was pull an innocent woman into the mess I made. ***** hath no fury like a woman scorned, so its safe to say I deserve the fury you felt or feel. I walked away from the one person who was always in my corner. You were always there no matter what was going on in my life. You supported me, believed in me, made light out of the dark. Damn Tina, you were the everything in the word everything. I wanted you from the moment I laid eyes on you and you gave yourself to me. You gave all of you all the time and you walked away from the only life you knew and understood to be with me. You gave up so much for me and what did I do? Take away what you had left. How fucked up of me to be so damned selfish. When you were hurting I made light of it by making you seem overly sensitive for reaching out to me, when you had always selflessly done that for me. Im sorry about the baby, for not letting you know how I really felt inside. I should have cried. I should have let you into my heart instead of being a hard *****. Kit tried to tell me it was okay. She said I should talk to you, to tell you how scared and overwhelmed Id become, but I didnt listen. I did what I always do when Im afraid, I hid. I acted like my father and that was an ugly realization. Ill tell you about that another time. I was cold and reclusive, but still wanted you to be there and to give in when you should have stood your ground. And then to make matter worse, I allowed myself to let go, but with someone else. I made excuses for what I did, somehow justifying it as just *****. It wasnt just ***** though was it? If it were just *****, she wouldnt have been able to reach inside of me. If it were just *****, all the bullshit that happened, again and again wouldnt have happened. What an ugly and explosive mess. I even lied to Alice. One of my closest and dearest friends and made her feel like it was her imagination. It was me being selfishagain! I know, I know, youre probably saying or thinking Im being too hard on myself, but I have to be. Someone has to be. Tee, I know we had problems. I know there were things about you that rubbed me wrong, but I never spoke up. I just down played everything and let you try to fix us both. Youd quit your job, you wanted to have a baby for us, and you gave up independence for dependence. All of that for me, for us, but was it for you too? Youre a good woman Tee. Youre a strong woman, but you have to believe that in yourself. You have to stand up for yourself and not let yourself get caught up in me or other people. Baby, I cry almost everyday for how I miss you. I stole your pajamas so Id still have a piece of you with me. I wont lie a part of me did enjoy the excitement and freedom that came with cheating, and I know that doesnt sit well with you, but I have to be honest. I need to be because its the only way for me to try to help me, help you, and help us. I regret being so resistant to counseling and I regret always allowing something or someone else to over shadow you. Were not always going to agree on things, but we have to have a middle ground. I dont want to lose you anymore than I already have and I hope that you will allow me some time to speak with you soon. Ill thank her eventually, but please thank Alice for always being there for you. I envy her tenacity and her uninhibited ways. I could learn a lot from her. Maybe once this is all over, shell show me the error of my ways (laugh). Anyway, thats about it. Its late and I have to deal with Franklin in the morning. I actually played hooky from work. (I hear you gasping – haha!) It was fun. Ill tell you about that later too.

So, thats it. I think Ive covered it all. Please believe me when I say Im sorry Tee and I would do anything to make it all up to you. Can you call me once you’ve had time to digest this so we can talk? Thanks.

Always,
Bette

Bette hit the send button and the email was a done deal. Now all she had to do was wait patiently until Tina called her. It was an overwhelming measure to sit and wait, but time was all she had at this point.

At the Center
Tina emerged from the mini conference room where shed been discussing what shed done with Sandra who would be assuming some of Tinas work. Tinas emotions were running high since her conversation with Kit earlier and she was glad that the meeting with Sandra was over because she could barely focus. Her mind wandered back to what Kit had said about Bette missing her and her own feelings toward Bette. So much had taken place in the past week that none of it seemed real; the offer from CM&E, Eric showing up at her desk, and her entire horizon looking bright and full of potential. No matter how much she missed Bette, Tina still wondered if this was all part of a Divine plan to force her to reach back into herself and rebuild. To reclaim herself and forge on with her life instead making excuses for it. Tina knew loving someone was not something that was easily dismissed in spite of how theyd hurt you; and not once did Tina ever try to deny that. But she knew that love was not enough. She didnt like Bette and had stopped liking her long before Bettes infidelity.

Tina reached for the phone and decided to call Mrs. Honor, a wise lady shed met while she was trying to arrange counseling for one of the kids that came through the Centers after school program. Shed previously volunteered to listen if Tina ever wanted to talk after sensing Tina had a lot on her mind one day. Today would be a good day to talk, so she called to see if they could meet for lunch today, but before she could dial, she noticed the message waiting notice flashing on her email. She moved the mouse to click the button and contemplated opening it, but didnt thinking it was something internal. She was too distracted to read anything and went back to her original idea of meeting Mrs. Honor for lunch.

Hi Mrs. Honor, its Tina. Tina Kennard from the Center. Yes, Im fine. You? Good. Listen, I was wondering if you were free for lunch today? You are? Oh, thats great. Can you meet me at MsKhaos about 12:30? Okay, Ill see you then. Tina hung up, happy that Mrs. Honor was available.

Tina fussed with some other things she had to do before she left for lunch not giving the email another thought.