There are certain values by which, rightly or wrongly, I have lived my life. One of those values is the importance of my pride.
Pride is one of the few things that is uniquely ours. It is only we, ourselves, who determine the fate of our pride. It is the very last thing that we have to offer for sale. I have always felt that if the last possession is stripped from me, I will at least be able to own my pride.
I have been told that my thinking on this is skewed. I have many times been told that my thinking is skewed.
I was wrong; I will admit I was wrong. I valued fidelity and failed to live to the standards of my value. The price I have paid is drastically high. I have lost my wife, my family, the respect of my friends. I am left standing with only my pride.
I will say that I am sorry; I will admit that I was wrong. I will apologize profusely and sent gifts.
I will not beg; I have too much pride.
They tell me to swallow my pride. What if I did and she were to reject me anyway? I would then be left with absolutely nothing. At least now I have pride to which to cling.
So, her new lover wants to take my job. I will be damned if I will beg or plead for it. I will be poor and move far away before I will sacrifice my pride for the pleasure of the ***** who is sleeping with my wife. I cannot imagine any circumstances under which I would plead or beg for a job and most certainly not these circumstances.
I will die before I give that ***** the satisfaction of seeing me swallow my pride for her. She can ***** my wife, but she will not take my last possession.
My wife always told me that she loved me for who I am. That was such bullshit. If it were true her love of who I am would encompass my inability to beg for her forgiveness and to plead for her to return to me. She would understand why I cannot admit that I am nothing without her. To say that I cannot be without her would be to deny my strength. To deny my strength would be to deny my pride.
I am proud because I am strong. If I were to be weak; I could no longer be proud.
If my wife cannot understand this then, perhaps, she never loved me at all.
My sister does not understand this, but the fundamental difference between my sister and I is our pride. She has sacrificed hers to live the bohemian lifestyle of her choosing. She sacrificed her pride for drugs and alcohol. She sold her pride to the lowest bidder so, how could I expect her to understand why I will not deny my pride.
I remember, as a child, being upset over an unrequited crush. I shall die without him I said. Silly girl, my father said. No one is so important that you will die without them. And, if you are so weak that you truly would die without this person, then that is what you deserve.
As the song says, I will survive. I shall not say, Oh my darling, Tina, I will die without you.
I am Bette Porter. I am strong; I am proud. I will exist without her.