Chapter 27 – Running Away

Bette sank into the chair across from Rachael as if she were in a trance. She hadnt even looked at Rachael as she entered the room and sat down.
Rachael: Bette, are you alright? You look a little distracted.
Bette literally shook her head before making eye contact with Rachael and still she didnt speak. She just starred at Rachael with her head tilted a little to the left. Rachael could tell that she was working something out in her mind, so she decided to let Bette take her time. Rachael just leaned forward in her chair telling Bette through her body language that she was ready to hear whatever Bette had to say, when Bette was ready.
After a while Bette began to speak in a soft whisper: I saw her.
This was followed by another period of silence which ended with Bette saying: She wants to talk to me.
At this point Rachael asked: Is there anything you want to talk to her about?
B: YesNo..I mean Yes, but Im not sure where to start, I have so many thoughts they are all screaming at once.
R: How did she look?

Bette hesitates before she answers as if shes looking at a picture. She was 20 feet away, I couldnt see her eyes till she got closer. They were shining bright. She looked like a vision, those eyes with her beautiful smile. Her hair is a little different but I like it. Shes too skinny though. I could look at her forever.
R: How long did she stay?
B: I dont know a while, not long, I really dont know.
R: What did she say?
B: We need to talk. But she really said more with her face. I think at first I saw anger but it went away I saw warmth.
R: What did you do?
With that Bette jerks her head starring across the room. I wanted to run.
R: Did you?
B: No, my feet wouldnt move.
R: So you answered her.
B: I told her to leave.
R: Is that all you said?
B: I agreed to call her.
R: Why did you want to run?
B: I dont want to hurt her anymore. I always end up hurting her. I mean its not like I hit her or anything but I had been careless with her heart. I made bad choices which became a stack of playing cards. These stacks got way too high and ended up crashing down on her.
R: Are these the thoughts you want to talk to her about?
B: I want to tell her I get it now. I understand that she gave me acts of love and kindness that I never recognized before and I want to acknowledge those acts.
R: What are you referring to?
B: Little acts of daily kindness. Like how she allowed me to handle all the monthly bills. I would collect money from her at the first of the month, when she was working, you know her half. I would then organize the bills into a spreadsheet. What an ordeal I would make of it. She could never figure out my logic, or why I took such pains. She just went along. The part I realize now is that I drove her nuts with this monthly routine. She herself could have handled those chores every bit as well as I did. After all she was on her own before I met her and she handled them fine. She knew I needed control over those tasks and she let me do them. Dont you see, it was her telling me she loved me every time she relinquished that task to me. What did I do in return? I bitched and moaned about the responsibility of it all. I turned her loving act into a burden for me of my own creation. Thats what I mean when I said I get it now.
R: Do you think you will call her?
B: I want to, I just dont know if I can.
R: You want to run, right?
B: YES
R: Bette, I know we have talked about many aspects of your relationship with her. I am wondering if you are willing to take a step back and look at the big picture and see if we cant see a reoccurring pattern. Do you want to try?
B: Sure, why not.
R: Great, lets start with when you came across something in your relationship or something in her that rubbed you the wrong way. How would you deal with it?
B: Mostly I would ignore it.
R: OK, You would pretend it wasnt there, you didnt address it or recognize it right?
Bette just nods her head.
R: Would I be wrong if I rephrased this to mean you ran away from it?
Bette doesnt acknowledge this so Rachael moves on
R: You have told me before that the affair was just ***** that you wanted to just let go, right?
B: Ye”ah
R: What were you letting go of? Your job responsibilities? Your own expectations? Your own behavior? The loss of your baby?
B: All of those things.
R: OK, OK. Can you see by saying that you were just letting go that maybe you are really saying you wanted to run away.
Bette just looks at Rachael.
R: Now you see her and what was your first instinct, TO RUN AWAY. We know that the only person you can change is Yourself, Right?
Bette still is just starring at Rachael.
R: Bette, RIGHT?
B: YYYYEEESSS she spits out
R: Is your running away maybe that reoccurring behavior in yourself that you can CHANGE?
Bette has tears running down her cheeks but answers: You mean I need to stop running away especially from her, from TINA.