Summary of the previous chapter: Tina goes to Alex to try to sort her feelings. As usual, Alex puts her own unique spin on everything. No one looks at the world quite like Alex.

Alex poured the remaining wine into her glass while Tina thought about what Alex had said. She knew Alex was wrong and was twisting everything around because of her loyalty to Bette. How dare she make Tina feel that she was at fault. Tina wasnt the one who cheated goddamn it!

Alex, youre just playing mind games with me.

Perhaps, but you know that I have my own odd way of looking at the world. I lost something once and it colours how I think.

It was Tinas turn to fight back. You know, it was stupid of me to come to you for advice. You are a coward, traveling all over the world because you cant deal with your grief. It has been more than eight years, Alex. How dare you judge me or anyone else when you are so pathetic yourself.

Alex didnt respond. She simply went to put the wine bottle into the recycling bin and came back to the couch with a newly opened bottle. In the amount of time it took her to do this, Tina had time to calm and feel guilty for what she had said.

I lost more than just Catherine, I lost so much more than you will ever know, but youre right, T-bird. Who am I to judge?

Im sorry, Alex. I was out of line.

You told me what you think, how you feel. That isnt out of line. You complained because Betty wouldnt share her feelings. Wouldnt it be hypocritical if you didnt share yours?

Those arent my feelings, Alex. I spoke out of anger.
Typically, when someone speaks out of anger, without first censoring their thoughts, it is with total honesty. You were mad enough at me to say what you really think instead of editing it to be polite.

Can I ever win with you, Alex?

I hope not. Alex smiled as she spoke to let Tina know that all was well between them.

Well, while we are doing total honesty, can I ask you something Ive always wondered about?
You can ask me anything, T-bird. Whether I will answer is a different story.

Alex refilled her wine glass as she waited for Tinas question. Why did you and Bette never sleep together?

Who says we didnt? Alex asked with a smile.

Bette. Tina replied looking ready to get very upset.

We slept together many times, ***** I spent at least one night out of every weekend there for many years.

Okay, let me rephrase, Tina said. Why did you and Bette never have a sexual relationship?

Honestly?

Yes, Alex, that would be nice.

Because I knew that Betty and I wanted different things out of life and I also knew that if I made love to that woman, I would never be able to let her go.
Alex emptied her glass in one gulp and refilled as she worked to control the emotions that were behind the statement she had made to Tina. In the end, it wouldnt have been fair to either one of us.

Bette lost out on one ***** of a woman.

Bette lucked up and found one ***** of woman. It would be a real shame if she lost that.

Tina invited Alex to dinner before leaving the hotel. Her conversation had given her much about which to think. She wondered if Bette had ever realized how much Alex loved her and if Bette loved Alex nearly as much.

When Tina returned home, Bette was still reading F. Scott Fitzgerald. They exchanged pleasantries before Tina went to sit on the couch with Bette.

Bette can I ask you something? I know its weird but Im curious.

Sure T, Bette responded looking perplexed.

Why did you and Alex never sleep together?

Bette pondered for a moment before responding. It was too big of a risk. Our friendship was too important to take the chance of losing it. I would have rather had Alex as my friend for life than Alex in my bed for a few hours with the knowledge that it might ***** up what we had.

Were you ever tempted?

Sure, lots of times. *****, we shared a bed more times than I can count. Why are you askin?.

Just curious, I mean you were good friends, both realized you were *****, it just seems like the sort of thing that might happen.

True. Alex and I both had dreams of going places in our lives. I guess we both knew that if we became lovers we might give in to each others dreams and sacrifice our own. I guess we knew that in the long run, it wouldnt be fair to either one of us. One of the things that I learned from Alex was that you can love someone without sleeping with them.

Bette continued to sit thoughtfully. When she spoke, she was obviously lost in memory. The closest we came was when she came to visit me after Catherine died. I walked in the bedroom to ask her something and she was sitting on the bed staring at an envelope and then she just totally broke down. Ive never seen anyone so broken in my entire life. There was nothing I could do but hold her. I would have given anything to take away her pain. I would have sacrificed my own life if I could have taken away her suffering.
There were tears in Bettes eyes as she continued with her memory. Alex kept trying to tell me something, but every time that she tried, she just broke down even more. Whatever it was she was trying to say was almost literally ripping at her heart. I sat with her for almost two hours. Finally, she looked up at me and kissed me. I returned the kiss at first. It took a second, but I realized what she was doing, she was trying to take herself away from what she was feeling. When I gathered my senses, I stopped.

What happened?

I told her that I couldnt, not like that. She nodded and got up and walked into the bathroom When she came out, she tried to act as though nothing had happened.

Did you ever find out about the envelope or what she was trying to say?

No. I never brought it up again and neither did she. You, know its funny now that you mention it. Ive always felt that Alex was haunted by Catherines death, more than the normal grief. There has just always been a feeling that there is something that hurts her even more than just losing Catherine.

She told me today that when she lost Catherine, she lost more than I would ever know.

Why did she say that?

Lets just say that we disagreed over something and I said something that I never should have said.

Bette wanted to ask, but felt it was better that she didnt.

Tina interrupted Bettes thoughts. Does she seem to be drinking more than usual?
How can you tell with Alex?

Seriously, Bette.

I hadnt really thought about it. Ever since she started traveling, Ive gotten used to the fact that Alex always has a drink in hand.

You mean, ever since Catherine died.

Yeah, now that you mention it, ever since Catherine died I dont think Ive ever seen Alex without a drink in hand.

Bette sat in contemplation realizing that Alex was never as strong as Bette had always thought she was. Ever since that day, over thirty years ago, when Alex took a slap across the face for Bettes crime, she had always idolized Alex as a tower of strength. Bette finally had to realize that it was a faade just like the one that Bette had built for herself.