Chapter 41 – Healing

The two of them stayed entwined in a tight embrace until fatigue began to wear on them. Bette moved them to the corner and sat down pulling Tina down with her. There they sat, Bette leaning up against the wall and Tina leaning into Bette, just holding each other. The physical contact wasnt sexual but more healing. They both need that salve to be applied to the deep wound that each had been carrying around. These wounds ran deep and only the other could heal them. There was a comfort that came from the mere contact and they both wanted this to go on forever, neither of them wanting to move or change a thing. Sleep fell on both of them. Tina woke to feel her head on Bettes chest. Hearing her breathing and feeling the rise and fall of Bettes chest, this felt good. It took a moment to realize that this wasnt a dream. Tina realized that Bette was awake about the same time her body let her know that sitting on a hard floor all night leads to major aches and pains. Despite not wanting to move, Tinas body gave an involuntary jerk.

Bette was enjoying the feel and the smell of Tina in her arms. She has her head thrown back looking up to the ceiling, as this was her favorite time of the day. Realizing that Tina was awake, Bette began to tell Tina of her morning rituals. There was a kind of wonder in her voice as she began to speak:

I love this time of the morning. There is purity and peacefulness surrounding the serenity and quietness of the world. In this predawn surrealism anything is possible. All the dreams seem real and obtainable as each dragon is slain one at a time. This is when I can put my thoughts together in some sort of organized fashion. I love the light in here as the sun comes up. Thats why I chose this room to paint. Actually thats why I rented this place was for the light in this room. Its so soft against the hard realities of my thoughts. At times my thoughts need the softness of the light to make them bearable so I can face them and then deal with them. I love the quiet of this moment in time when I can become one with my canvas before I start my assault. Some times I attack with a furry and sometimes its a slow dance of finesse. Either way it begins with this magic moment right now.

Tina didnt know why Bette was telling her all of this but she loved the sound of Bettes voice and the story she was telling. Bette was sharing her thoughts, sharing herself with Tina. Bette goes on for a while more with Tina just listening to the rhythm of her voice and the meaning of her story. Bette was telling Tina about her paintings in her own way. Telling the story, her story, in a way that wasnt so violent or harsh, a way that was more loving and healing, a way that include hope and forgiveness. Bette is trying to heal Tinas pain caused by viewing her paintings. When Bette was finished Tina stirred.
First, she just pulled Bette into a tighter hug trying to verbalize with her body language that she got it she got all that Bette was saying, then she pulled away from Bette and looking at her: Thank you Bette, I understand. It was simple and complete. Tina did understand, she understood all of Bettes guilt and pain, she understood all of Bettes regret. Through Bettes gentle telling she could visualize Bettes new light, her new hope. She understood that Bette had changed to prevent the same path of destruction caused by her dishonesty. Bette had taken another road that was her life now. What Tina didnt understand was the suicide. The Bette before her was so open that Tina felt comfortable asking: Bette tell me about the suicide. Did you really try to take your life?

The question hung between them. It didnt really disturb the connection that Tina and Bette where enjoying but the question hung there just the same. Not wanting to hurry Bette, Tina slid back into Bette and just waited.

Bette finally came to some conclusion on what she wanted to say. She was struggling with what to tell Tina. Do I tell her that when the summons came I couldnt deal with the finality of it all? Should I tell her how it could have been one of my games? I cant hurt Tina anymore. No, I have to tell her the truth. The truth that only I know.

Tina, I dont really know why. Bette started out slowly in a low, quiet almost secretive voice. I had been trying to abuse myself for days. I hadnt eaten anything in awhile. I was drinking . I mean really drinking. I couldnt numb the pain. I couldnt live in my body anymore. I wanted to escape the mess I had made. I wanted to run but I couldnt run from my own body, my own mind, and my own soul. I couldnt believe my lies anymore. There was no where else to go. At that moment, at the end, all the good in my life was gone and all that was left were the results from my dishonesty. Bette stops here having struggled to put those words out she didnt know how to say anything else. I could say I got lost but thats too simple I just didnt want to open my eyes anymore. It became my end. It ended the person I was and has allowed me to be the person I am now.
This seemed to be all Bette could say. She then looked directly into Tinas eyes willing Tina to see that shes not that same person anymore. She wont ever hurt Tina again. She wont let herself.

Tina saw the need for her to believe Bette. OK Bette, OK. was all Tina had to say.

They sat there till they both just had to move. Their bodies were both rebelling and they both knew it was time to move on from here.