Chapter 44 – The Mantra

Merging through traffic, Shane was making her way over to Alices apartment. She was driving on automatic pilot as she was deep in thought, trying to resolve her internal struggle. Shane wanted to talk to Tina about Bette. She wasnt real sure how much detail she should or even wanted to get into. The overall message Shane wanted to deliver was to have patience with Bette. Still not arriving at a conclusion her cell starts singing. Yo Kit, tell me you have Bette with you? How is she? Shane answers her cell.

Kit had left Bette laying down on her couch for a little rest. Bette seeming emotionally spent and confused, put up little arguments when Kit insisted she stay, rest awhile and they would sort things out over a good meal later. Oh I have her alright. And Ive seen her better. Kit replied she didnt need to go into she had also seen her worse. Im going to try to keep her here for the night, but I was wondering if maybe you could swing by and help with the conversation. You know how focused on one track she can be and I think I need help. Can you come over?
Well I on my way to Tinas right now. I want to get through to her to wait for Bette and have a little patience. Shane paused, Ill be over after that.
Ok good luck, that girl must be out of her mind. Kit concluded.
Well I may regret what I have to say but Im going to take that chance, see you later. Shane now had at least made up her mind.

Tina had been pacing around Alices apartment driving Alice out of her mind.
Will you sit down and tell me the whole story? Alice practically had to yell at Tina as she was so deep in thought. How much coffee did you drink today anyway? Alice asked as she pulled Tina back from all her thoughts. After a lot of hesitation Alice was finally able to get from Tina the kiss story and the negative outcome of the event.
Alice I swear she was right there with me. She wanted me as much as I want her. I just cant figure out where it went wrong. She is so open and honest, you would think that she would want all these emotions out on the table. Maybe I need to go over there and camp out on her doorstep? Or do you think I should send her flowers with a note? What about I leave her a message about dinner? Do you think she would return my calls? What is she afraid of? Tina went on and on with Alice.
Before Alice could come back with a response there was a knock on the door. Alice seeing it was Shane swung open the door and grabbed Shanes wrist and pulled her in: You are a sight for sore eyes, get in here and help us figure out what we need to do.

Shane immediately went over to Tina and tried to provide her some comfort. Shane pulled Tina into a full body hug that Tina looked like she so desperately needed. Tina let her body stop the motion she had been in since leaving the Planet. She finally stopped in one place and that was in Shanes arms. Tears welled up in Tinas eyes and as they fell down her cheeks she leaned into Shane. Shane realized that Tina needed this outlet just let her cry and waited for Tina to feel more able to talk.

Tina felt herself calm down as the tears seemed to cleanse her thoughts. With a calmer demeanor, Tina pulled back and thanked Shane. Waving to the couch the three of them found seats as Tina started off. Bettes at Kits place. Tina simply stated.
Yeah I know, thats my next stop. I really wanted to come over and see how youre doing and what if anything you want to do next. Shane began.
What do you mean do next? I have been thinking of a million and one things I could do next but until I really know what Bettes afraid of I dont know what to do. Tina stated.
Shane whats going on with Bette? You know her the best these days, what do you think? Alice implored of Shane.
I have a good idea but with Bette I can never be sure. I know that Bette is driven not to hurt anyone again. Not to be impatient, or careless or even just thoughtless when it comes to causing pain in another. Bette now likes to take the high road when she encounters a situation where she may be the cause of even a minor painful experience. She will go this route even if the high road costs her. She would much rather hurt herself than cause others pain. Bette is so motivated with this notion that recently she almost let me go. She felt that it was causing me pain to keep her secret. She felt this burden was more than I should have to carry so she was going to tell me to get lost. Despite the fact that we are as close as anyone could be and not be sexually involved, she was willing to sacrifice her need for my companionship in order to save me the pain of keeping her secret. Shane pauses here and then continues: Mind you Bette didnt tell me this herself. I have other sources. She kept the whole thing to herself so I didnt even know of her sacrifice.

Tina hearing this tries to understand: Let me get this, you think that Bette is trying to not hurt me somehow. Is that it, because I dont see how getting our true feelings out on the table will hurt anybody?

Yes, I think she is afraid of hurting you again. Bette would rather sacrifice her happiness and well being than take the chance that hurt you. This fear is real with Bette. Its something that drives her. In her mind she feels responsible for so much damage she has caused that one of the vows she has made to herself is never to be the cause of that kind of pain again. Bette believes she will hurt you again if she gets too close. Shane began. Taking a deep breath Shane was now trying to gauge how far to go.
Tina could sense Shanes struggle: Shane Ive had the feeling before that you were holding back and I have that feeling again.
As Tina was talking a pained look crossed Shanes face.
Im torn between telling you that you should keep your secret if it compromises you but on the other hand I feel that I have lost Bette before we could even get started. Shane I dont have to tell you that this Bette is so worth getting to know. So I guess I want to know anything and everything that will help me understand this Bette. Tina implored.

Shane having made up her mind before she got here but still hesitated until hearing Tinas plea which helped solidified her will: Tina I was vague when I told you that Kit and I found Bette. There were details about what happened that I wanted to protect you and Bette from. One detail I didnt go into was what Bette kept saying the whole way to the hospital. It reflected her state of her mind. She kept asking for your forgiveness. Asking may be a mild term because at times it seemed as if she were begging. Bette was striking some deal somewhere that she promised to never hurt you again. She was begging and promising and screaming your name so many times that the paramedic asked if we shouldnt bring you in to ER. Following the hospital visit and into her recovery, not being the cause of YOUR pain became a mantra for her. It became part of her formula for getting well. Dont hurt Tina again EVER. This is all fine and good but I think she believes that you are better off without her. She honestly is of the mindset that she has released you to go find another love, the love that can be good to you and provide you with the life you deserve. It has taken weeks to get her to see that you can be in her life in some fashion and she wont hurt you. I guess the only advice I can give you is to take this slow. Bette will come around but she needs time to do that. She came around for me and I know with something as important to her as you are, she will come around for you.

So youre saying I need to wait. Tina said while shaking her head. Well if thats what I need to do then you Ill wait forever.