Chapter 45 – Trying to Keep a Distance

Shane was trying to compose her thoughts before she knocked on Kits door. Her foremost thought was that she needed a drink but was about to sit down with two people who didnt drink anymore. How do you get through to someone who doesnt want you to get through to them? This was Shanes big question. Shane had seen Bette take comfort in the thought that she would never hurt Tina again. It was as if she had made that fact the backbone principle of her recovery. What happens if that backbone is removed? Could Bette believe she had changed enough to accept that she needs Tina in her life? With these thoughts banging around Shanes head she knocked on the door.

To Shanes surprise Bette herself opened the door. Bette hows the world treatin you today? Shane asked as she headed through the door. The apartment smelled great. It seemed that Kits cure for this dilemma was going to be food.
Shane, its a good thing you here, Kits been cooking all day. She has enough for an army in there so I hope youre hungry. Bette greeted Shane.
Shane looked at Bette, she could see the effects of her turmoil on her face. Bettes eyes were puffy and rimmed in red. Despite the smile on her face it didnt reach her eyes as it usually did these days.
Bette its good to see you but you know you look like *****, right? Shane ribbed Bette hoping to make her laugh.
You know with friends like you I would be better off in the circus. Bette replied realizing she probably was a sight.
Kit when do we eat Ive got a cranky woman out here who needs fed? Shane yelled bring Kit out from the kitchen.
Hey there Shane youre here. Kit smiles: Right now, I hope youre hungry cause I cooked real food. You know roast beef, mash potatoes and gravy kind of real food so lets eat.

The three had a wonderful meal, as Kit really is a great cook. Both Shane and Kit kept the conversation light while ribbing each other throughout. When it was all said and done, Bette and Shane started dishes refusing to let Kit raise a finger with the clean up. Kit chose to watch by taking a seat at the kitchen table. With Bette washing and Shane drying, the conversation turned to Tina. Feeling she had to bring it up somehow Shane started: I was at Alices before I came here. Does anyone want to tell me why Tinas so upset?
Kit just had to smile at Shanes approach, subtle as a jack hammer. Bette chose not to recognize that Shane had even said a word. Shane looked over at Kit and gave the what now look which only made Kit shake her head.
OK, Bette honey I think Shanes talking to you. Kit interjected to help Shane along.
With that Bette lifted her head out of the kitchen sink, turned around with a dish still in her hand and looked from Kit to Shane.
I think you already know Shane so theres not much for me to add. Was all Bette finally came up with.
Shane wanted to throttle Bette. She was going to make this hard. OK I guess Ill have to dig it out of her. I have heard what Tina had to say but now I want your version. Come on Bette, youre acting like thats too much to ask. Do I have to remind you that I love both of you guys and I would rather be anywhere including getting dragged through the mud by wild horses than be here in the middle between you two. Shane had decided to take a hard line with Bette.

Bette just continued washing the dish in her hand. They were almost finished. When the last pan was done Kit suggested they each have another cup of coffee and head into the living room.

When they all sat down to both Kit and Shanes surprise Bette started talking. I know you both are in the middle, Im truly sorry. It was never my intention to be here myself and putting you both here also is almost unforgivable. I am sorry.

Bette pauses now as if she was searching for words that would convey her meaning. I thought I could be happy being friends with Tina. We really had a hard but meaningful evening where we connected on a very personal level. We actually ended up holding each other most of the night but it was in a healing, comfort sort of way. It was so good. This had been fulfilling and healing on a very intense level. One that I hope help Tina come to terms with a whole myriad of lingering questions. Bette paused again. This pause was much longer and both Kit and Shane began sliding looks to each other. Bette continued to stare down at her shoes. Kit and Shane still waited for Bette to continue.

Bette was reliving the feeling her body had when she ran into Tina. The intensity of this feeling was shocking to her. She immediately felt that pull that Tina had over her body. Her stomach did flip flops, her mind was racing, her ears were ringing and her center was an intense infernal. Bette forgot how overwhelming this pull from Tina was. It was intoxicating Bette. The truth that Bette had been trying to figure out all morning was that if Tina hadnt initiated the kiss would she have? This thought made Bette feel weak. After all this time of trying to go with the flow this was not a flow she could allow herself to get close to. She needed to get away from Tina or this would happen again. She couldnt trust herself.

I thought I could be strong enough to keep Tina at a distance. I realize now that I was only fooling myself so I could be in her company. Bette finally said.
Honey why do you say that? I thought the encounter with Tina was positive. Did she push you? Kit asked.
No, I ran into her. Actually, I almost mowed her over and had to catch her to prevent her from falling. The moment I touch her it was different then previously that morning. I mean it was like the first time we ever touched. The intensity of the feeling left me wanting more. More of everything, more of Tina to touch, kiss and hold onto just more. Im so easy for Tina to read. I know she saw the wanton look in my eyes. Thats why she did it. Bette now gets a dreamy far away look as her head is now up and looking off in the corner. Bette put her fingers to her lips. The feel of Tinas lips on hers was so right. The way Tina controlled her and her emotions with the kiss. Her voice is a whisper that Shane and Kit have to struggle to hear. The kiss was magic.

This hung in the air for a long time. Kit was the first to break the silence: Honey are you trying to say that because of these feelings for Tina that you cant have any relationship with her?

Yeah, thats what Im saying. Bette finally admitted out loud.