Chapter 18
Summary of the previous chapter: Alex tells Tina that she is looking for a home in Canada and gives Tina more unwanted advice. After Tina leaves, Alex gets a call from a forthcoming visitor.

After ending the call, Alex went back to pondering her decision. She had told Tina only half of her dilemma because she knew that she had to tell Tina something. That sweet Carolina girl could be persistent when she wanted to be.

One thing for which Alex was grateful was that Bette had become so self absorbed, she was not very good at noticing when Alex was bothered and would not persist as Tina had done. The night that Alex had broken down with the envelope, Bette had not inquired. It was then that Alex began to realize that Bette didnt need her anymore. About six months later, Bette had called to tell Alex about Tina. Over the years, Alex had, during her visits to LA, come to know Tina, Alice, Dana, and Shane. They had become friends. Alex knew that they would take good care of her Bette E. Balls for her. It was, however, the day that she had attended Bette and Tinas commitment ceremony when she knew that, beyond the occasional kick in the *****, Bette definitely didnt need her anymore. Ever since that day at age seven that Alex had taken blame for a broken window, she had always been, to some degree, Bettes protector. She relinquished that job to Tina.

My pal, Al. Alex declared as she opened the door to the person who had called and asked to visit.

Alice settled in on the couch with Alex. They both had a glass of wine while Alice gave Alex all of the details about her and Dana. Alex commented that she had noticed their body language which was why she had requested they dance together on Saturday night.

What do I do? Alice asked.

That depends on a couple of things? First of all, what are afraid of?

Losing my best friend.

Will she die if you sleep with her?

I hope not. God, even I am not that good in bed. Alice said looking at Alex as if shed lost her mind.

Well, then she will still be around. Another question, are you an adult?

Yes.

Intelligent or at least reasonably so?

Of course.

Mentally competent – and ignore the obvious jokes here?

Yes.

Okay, so you are an intelligent, mentally competent adult. Therefore, you are capable of making decisions. You are capable of choosing whether this affects the friendship. *****, you slept with Betty and you still tolerate her. And, I must tell you that the lovely Miss Fairbanks takes far less effort to tolerate than our Bette E. Balls.

Yeah, but what if she ends up hating me?

Why would she?

I dont know, if we break up or something?

Again, intelligent mentally competent adults can make their own decisions. You avoided the hatred issue with Betty.

It was different with Bette. We both knew that it was no long term thing.

And you are hoping the lovely Miss Fairbanks will be?

I dont know. I dont know anything. God, Alex this is driving me crazy.

Okay, Alice. Would you mind if I talk to the lovely Miss Fairbanks, sort of gauge where she stands?

You wont tell her that we talked about it will you?

Please, Alex give me credit, one writer to another, members of the Sisterhood of the Pen and I dont mean the penitentiary.

Alice agreed that it would be a good idea for Alex to talk to Dana. She wanted to know what was going on with Dana and her normal sources: i.e., Bette, Tina, and Shane were otherwise occupied.

After Alice departed, Alex chuckled over the idea of Alice and Dana as a couple: Goofballs Are Us she said aloud. Alex called Danas cell and left a message asking if they could meet at Danas club for a drink. Just when Alex had started to think that she had accomplished her goal and could get out of LA, she found herself having to try to point Alice and Dana in the right direction.

While Alice was talking to Alex, Tina was at home waiting for Bette who had spent most of the afternoon aimlessly driving from marina to marina looking for something that she wasnt going to find. She finally gave up, went back to her office and worked for about an hour dealing with a couple of things that needed her attention. Bette then headed home figuring that she could be alone as Tina was probably still on Helenas yacht.

While waiting, Tina had time to contemplate her conversation with Alex. She knew that Alex had more going than just where to buy a house. Alex traveled so much that she was rarely home. Tina thought, though, that it was best to wait before pushing Alex any further. It was, after all, the southern way not to be rudely persistent.

This thought led Tina to contemplate Alexs other ideas. She had to admit, reluctantly, that Alex had a point. When Tina was angry with Bette, she typically didnt get into confrontations. The night she had seen Bette with Candace had been an exception. Typically, Tina would smile and hide her anger or apologize. She had been angry the night that Bette had insisted they leave Tims house because of her suspicions about Jenny and Marina. Bettes reaction to Kits visit had further upset her. What did Tina end up doing? She went into the bedroom to apologize to Bette and tell her that she admired her principles. One of Tinas other favorites was the silent treatment and then leaving, knowing that when she and Bette returned home that night both would pretend nothing happened.

Alex was right, Tina was going to have to change how she handled the relationship or she was going to end up letting her anger cloud over her love.

I didnt expect to find you. Bette said when she came in to find Tina on the couch.

You could have stayed and talked to me instead of leaving.

Im sorry, Tina. I was just so upset about the idea of you and her together.

Now you know a little of how I felt about the carpenter.

I know, Tina, and I am so sorry. Believe me, if I could live my life again, I would have avoided her like bad fashion.

It was more than that, Bette. Your affair was the culmination of a long process. We were having problems. We have to face that, if we dont, we will end up right where we were when you decided that you wanted to be with Candace.

Where did we go wrong?

There were so many ways. I made mistakes, too.

Tina, dont

Its true, Bette. We have both got to accept responsibility. Alex said some things that made me think.

You havent been listening to Alex have you?

Yes, I have. She gave me a manta, too.

Really. Whats yours?

Its okay to say go ***** yourself. What about you?

My name is Bette Porter and I am a horses *****.

Pretty much sums us up, huh?

In a nutshell, yeah. Im an ***** and you let me get away with it until it has gone too far. Do you think we can fix it?

I hope so, baby.

Where do we start? Bette asked.

Weve got a lot of things to talk about and work through. For right now, can we just start by you holding me for a while?

Bette was happy to comply with Tinas request. She had hope, although she was terrified about the course they would have to take to work through the problems with their marriage.

While Bette and Tina were talking, Alex was greeting Shane who had plans to come over for dinner.

Talk to me, the Great Shane.

Shane proceeded the tell Alex the story of Cherie.

So, shes a tramp, huh?

Not in the traditional sense.

No, not. She basically told you that she had feelings for you but she has more feelings for money. Shes a tramp. Im sorry, Shane, it sucks for you that the woman turned out to be so not good enough for you.

I dont know, man. She thinks Im not good enough for her.

She sold her soul for money. The ***** could never hope to be as good as you. You got honor, Shane. That is something all of Cheries husbands cash cant buy.

Ive learned by lesson about falling in love.

No you havent. Youve learned ONE lesson about falling in love. There are lots more.

Well, I dont plan to find out.

Shane, youre a survivor. You made your way on the streets and you made your way off the streets. Are you just going to piss that all away?

What am I pissing away trying not to get my heart broken again.

Shane, there is a difference between living and surviving. If you let yourself stop feeling, you are surviving not living. Whats the point?

Its not that simple, Alex.

Let me put it to you another way. How do you feel about T-bird. Honestly?

Shes my friend. You know, I love her like that, man.

Do you think that Tina and Bette should get back together or go their separate ways?
I think that

Yes or no?

Well, yes.

Okay, so you are saying, Tina I know you got your heart stomped upon by someone you love, but I think that you should you go on with life and love. However, I the Great Shane am too much of a coward to do the very thing that I think you should do.

Its not the same, man.

I know it isnt exactly the same, but it is still about someone getting hurt and pulling themselves up to live and love again.

I dont think thats fair, Alex.

No one ever called me fair, Shane. I just try to give the people I love a few things about which to think.

Shane and Alex agreed to disagree and went on to discuss their other friends while enjoying the dinner brought by room service. Their meal was interrupted by Alexs cell phone. The caller was Dana and she was happy to schedule a lunch date with Alex for the next day. Shane shared with Alex her suspicions that something was weird with Alice and Dana, but she wasnt quite for sure what was going on, especially with that nutcase Tonya in the picture. Having heard Alices version of how Tonya came into their lives, Alex was interested to hear the story from Shane who would present it in a less dramatic fashion.

After hearing both versions, Alex agreed that Tonya was real trouble.

Alex realized that she had her hands full with this group.

Meanwhile, Tina and Bette both agreed that they were too drained to have an emotional talk about their relationship. They could start working on their demons tomorrow. For tonight, it was good to just hold each other and be together letting their hope fill the room instead of their animosity.

As they were sitting on the couch with Tinas head in Bettes lap, Bette gave Tina a light scalp massage.

What do you think is going on with Alex? Tina asked Bette after telling Bette about the real estate conversation.

I dont know. I should ask her, but I know how hard it is to get her to talk.

Do you really try? Tina asked voicing a suspicion.

Bette thought about it before answering. Probably not hard enough. I got so used to Alex always postulating some theory and trying to give me answers. I guess that I forgot to return the favor. Am I really that selfish?

What specifically do you mean?

I guess I really am self absorbed. I cant remember the last time I really tried to get Alex to open up to me. Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately. In retrospect, I cant believe I didnt even ask about the envelope that seemed to upset her so much. I just assumed that she was crying about Catherine. I never considered that there was more. I am self-absorbed and I make assumptions. I guess that incident is a perfect example of the fact that I am Bette Porter, and I am a horses *****. It is amazing that anyone puts up with me.

Tina smiled at Bette, proud of Bettes acknowledgement. Youve got some great qualities, too. Dont forget those.

Lately my inadequacies have been the ones staring me in the face. I am a lousy partner and a lousy friend.

Youre not always lousy, Bette. I wouldnt love you so much if you were. We both made mistakes, baby. What is important now is that we learn from them and make things better.

I hope I dont fail you again, T.

Ill just have to do a better job of making sure that you dont.

Bette and Tina continued to sit on the couch together as they both contemplated their mistakes and how to prevent them in the future.

After Shane left, Alex returned to working on her book. She had not planned on writing the book while in LA. She had planned to fly into town and give Bette a kick in the *****. Alex had not counted on all of the complications. Truthfully, as much as Alex loved her friends, she was looking forward to getting out of LA. There were too many reminders of the problems which she was avoiding. Who was she to tell Shane that Shane should not close herself to the possibility of loving again? Hadnt that been the purpose of all of the traveling? Alex knew that she was a first class hypocrite. She needed to get away before everyone else realized it also.

Alex opened another bottle of wine. Tina had been right, she knew that she was drinking more. She also knew that she hadnt left her hotel room since the Saturday night at Milk. When Alex cancelled the Sunday night dinner with Tina and Bette, there had been no meeting. It was a lie told because just didnt feel like facing them. It was now Monday evening and thanks to room service, Alex had not ventured out. Had it not been for the visitors, she would have spent the last forty-eight hours alone. Alex was isolating herself and drinking. She knew that was not good, but she wasnt sure that she cared at that point.

One thing that Alex would not admit to her friends was that she was prone to depression. Given her family history, particularly her mother, it was fairly easy to see the pattern. At one point, Alex had found a doctor who would prescribe an anti-depressant without insisting on therapy. This was how Alex wanted it to be: give me the damn pills and dont make me talk about things I would prefer not to discuss. During the three months she had spent in Hungary, Alex had run out of her medication and had not bothered to pursue trying to find a doctor there who would prescribe, assuming she could even get her brand of medication there. Upon returning to the states, Alex had not gone back to her doctor for another script. She knew that she should, but she just didnt do it. Alex recognized that apathy as a sign of her depression. It was a vicious circle: when she was depressed she was apathetic which meant being too apathetic to get around to getting treatment for the depression that was making her apathetic.

The drinking was self medication and Alex knew it. When Alex was taking her medications as she was supposed to do, she rarely had more than a glass of wine per day. If forced to answer the question, she would have said, Im a drunk, but Im not an alcoholic. For her it wasnt a chemical dependency or an addiction, it was an attempt to medicate a bio-chemical disorder. Over the years, she had gotten good at knowing how many drinks it would take to elevate her to a light hearted mood. She also knew that in the course of drinking to maintain that mood, she would eventually tip over to the depressed mood side. Alex had a talent for recognizing when she reached the tip over point and removing herself from the social situation, preferring to be alone when the depression began washing over her.

Catherine had been the first to insist that Alex see a doctor about her depression and had helped Alex find the psychiatrist she had been using ever since. Over the years, he and Alex and developed a grudging respect for the others tenacity. They had gone through quite a bit together: the Elavil that made her gain weight, the trazadone that made her tired, the Paxil that made her vomit, the Zoloft that made her hostile, the Celexa that did nothing, and finally the Effexor. Alex had a high tolerance to medication and typically took dosages that were equal to or even above the usual outpatient limit. No matter how much she took, the medication only helped a little bit. Alex and the psychiatrist had fought about this. She told him to shove his useless medications up his ***** (not the only time she made this suggestion to the good Doctor Govan) and he told her that he wasnt giving her a miracle drug, medication only goes so far and if Alex wanted more she might want to consider therapy. Alex proceeded to tell him into which ***** he could shove therapy. Such interactions were not uncommon between Alex and her long suffering Psychiatrist.

After thinking about it, Alex decided that she would call her Dr. Govan in the morning and convince him to call in a script for her even though it had been a while since her last office visit. It was probably a really good idea to get back on her meds. She couldnt keep balancing the attempts at self medication and the faade which she knew she needed to keep in front of her friends.

Figuring, what the *****, Ill start being a good girl tomorrow, Alex decided to have a couple of drinks to put herself to sleep.