That night Bette tried to sleep, but all she could see whenever she closed her eyes was Tina’s face. The bitter contempt, the face void of emotion, the face she had once loved. That she still loved. But how could she ever expect Tina to forgive her? She regretted her affair more than anything else, except for maybe the fact that she hadn’t supported Tina enough when she miscarried. Surely they should still be able to talk? Surely Tina couldn’t hate her so much that she couldn’t even look at her properly? Then again, she hated herself so much that some days she found it hard to look in the mirror.

Tina too was finding it hard to sleep. She was trying to work out her feelings for Bette. She knew deep in her heart that she could never truly hate her. There was too much between them for that to ever happen. Most of all she was hurt. Bette’s betrayal had hurt so much that she actually felt physical pain. She found herself curling up in a ball and sobbing. How could she ever look at Bette without picturing her with that woman? So much can change in one moment. For seven years she’d loved Bette, and in that one moment when she saw her touch that woman through the window, it had all come crashing down around her.

The next morning Alice, who seemed to be the only one to get a decent nights sleep, called Bette.

“Hello?” Bette answered groggily.

“Sorry, did I wake you?”

“Hardly. I haven’t slept all night”

“Oh…Bette?”

“Yes Alice?” Bette grew impatient.

“I just wanted to check you’re okay”

“Great. Fine. My world’s fallen apart, but other than that I’m fine” Bette said bitterly.

“I know, I just…” for once Alice didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry Al, it’s not your fault. It’s mine. Everything’s just a little fucked up right now”

“Yeah I had noticed”

“How is she?” Bette asked softly.

“It’s hard to tell. Sometimes she seems okay, then other times she just cries”

“Can you just tell her…God I don’t even know what to say” Bette fought back tears.

“Just say how you feel”

“Well I doubt ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I love you’ are gonna have much effect”

“Listen, I’m not sure I really wanna be the messenger here” Alice said quietly.

“Well, she’s not going to listen to me is she?”

“I don’t think she’s ready to talk to you yet. But she might listen”

“What do you mean?”

“Think about it”

“Ok. Well, thanks for calling Al”

“You take care”

“I will. Bye”

“Bye”

Bette hung up the phone and sighed. She thought she understood what Alice had meant. She picked up the phone again and dialled Tina’s cell, and waited for it to go to answerphone. Just the sound of Tina’s voice had her heart racing. It sounded so calm – nothing compared to her shouts of “***** you” that night. Bette took a deep breath and started to speak.

“T…it’s me. I know you don’t wanna talk to me or see me right now, but sometime you have to face me. I know how hard that’s gonna be, believe me, coz I can’t even face myself right now. But…we have to speak T. That night…God…we didn’t even talk. I owe you an explanation. You deserve that. I don’t know how many times I can say I’m sorry, it sounds so pathetic compared to what I did. But you have to believe me, I really do love you T. I don’t think I can carry on with you not even speaking to me. But I guess I deserve everything I get. Well you probably hung up as soon as you heard it was me, but if you are still listening…thank you. One day if you decide you can face me, please call me. I love you” Bette choked on the last words and dissolved into tears as she hung up the phone.

At Alice’s, Tina was lying on the couch staring into space. Alice walked in and handed Tina her cell phone.

“What’s this for?”

“I think maybe you should listen to your voicemail” Alice suggested.

“Why would I wanna do that?” Tina was suspicious.

“I just…ok, I spoke to Bette”

“Oh right”

“I told her you might listen to her”

“I…I don’t know if I can” Tina stammered.

“You have to sometime”

“Really?”

“You can’t hide forever”

“Alice…you saw her last night. She looked like *****”

“I know, I’ve never seen her that bad” Alice admitted.

“How can I face her? We’re both such a mess” Tina started to cry.

“I’m not saying you have to face her, just listen”

“Can you give me some space?” Tina asked quietly.

Alice nodded and left Tina on her own to listen to Bette’s message. She felt the tears flow freely down her cheeks as she heard Bette speak. She was so confused, she didn’t know whether she wanted to speak to Bette or not. Was she ready for that? She knew she’d have to do it sometime, but she didn’t know if that time was now. When she heard Bette break down at the end of the message she found herself sobbing. How did things ever get to this? How did they ever hurt each other this much? How could they ever move on from this?