And Ill keep the light on for you. Just turn around and Ill be there. Im movin’ into your atmosphere.

Lyrics from Atmosphere by TobyMac

After some hot tea and lots of consoling Ryan finally convinced Taylor she would be Ok the rest of the evening by herself. She let Taylor tuck her into bed and kiss her goodnight. Ryan knew after Taylor left she herself would be out the door too. She needed to vent, to blow off some steam. And Sarah would be part of her refuge.

Be good to me Sarah. Ryan said softly as she rubbed her hands over the steering wheel. She knew she probably shouldnt drive her because of her broken wrist and the car having a manual transmission. But Ryan didnt care, these were no ordinary circumstances and tonight was no ordinary night.

She grabbed the CD out of the case. Her go to blow off steam song. The song that would pump in her head and through her veins the rest of the night. She looked down and smiled at the 10mm semi automatic laying in the seat next to her. She knew exactly where she was going tonight.

It’s just one of those days / When ya don’t wanna wake up / Everything is fucked, everybody sucks / You don’t really know why / But you wanna justify rippin’ someone’s head off / No human contact / And if you interact your life is on contract / Your best bet is to stay away mother *****! / It’s just one of those days!

Ryan believed driving was an art form, especially driving a stick shift. With lots of practice Ryan became a masterful artist at the wheel. Ryan gently engaged the clutch while at the same time she applied the throttle. She instinctively knew when the clutch would engage and when it did she hit the gas ever so smoothly. She moved the car out of first gear and shifted into second. As the car took off, she shifted into third and fourth. She became an extension of Sarah as she flew through the streets of LA. Lost in the motion of the car she let her mind drift back to 1999 and thoughts of Bailey.

(10:45 P.M.)

Hi, youve reached Agent Sawyer. Im away from my phone, please leave a message and I will return your call. Thank you. Is what Shane got when she called Ryans cell. So she tried Ryan at home.

Hey, this is Ryan. I cant come to the phone so leave me a message. Thanks. Bye. Shane got another message.

*****, where is she? Shane thought. Then she left a message and waited to hear back from Ryan.

(March 1999)

After spending a whirlwind week in Virginia Beach for spring break, Ryan, Bailey, and Taylor came back to Georgetown with graduation on their minds.

Graduation was coming up in May and the three girls were excited about moving on to the next phase of their lives. Taylor would be moving to LA to focus on her acting career. Ryan was headed off to Quantico to the Academy, and Bailey was going to medical school in Houston.

Lately, Ryan was becoming tense about the future. In her whole life she had never been without her best friend Taylor. On top of that, her girlfriend of 3 years was moving back to Texas for medical school. Ryan knew without a doubt she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Bailey. And she knew Bailey adored her too. Ryan wasnt quite sure how to make a long distance relationship work, but she wanted to try. She couldnt imagine her life without Bailey in it.

There were obstacles they would have to conquer. Ryan hadnt told her parents she was ***** and that she had been in a committed relationship the last 3 years. Most of all, she was concerned about Baileys parents. Bailey came from an extremely wealthy family from Dallas. Old money types, blue bloods, the stuffy kind. And they were extremely conservative southern Baptists, deeply rooted in their beliefs. Having a ***** daughter would be completely unacceptable to them on any level. If they ever knew, they would probably disown her and pull money from medical school.

This was a sore issue between the Bailey and Ryan. And more recently they had been arguing about it more. Ryan had planned to tell her parents she was ***** after graduation. She wanted to start a new phase of her life and she wanted to live it as an openly ***** woman. She knew her parents would probably freak out at first, but then she knew they would come around. Bailey made no promises with her admissions on her sexuality. Recently she had talked about maybe telling her parents and ***** what they thought. She thought about getting a loan and trying to make it on her own. This made Ryan feel a lot more comfortable with their future.

(May 1999)

Two weeks before graduation Ryan decided to do something special for Bailey. She recruited Taylor for help.

Ryan went to Baileys last field hockey game. She loved sitting in the stands watching her. She was so good and it made Ryan so proud.

Ryan got butterflies just thinking about the upcoming evening and Bailey had no idea. She just thought they were having dinner at Ryans apartment. She looked at Bailey standing on the sidelines. Her long dark brown hair pulled back in a pony tail, her long, lean, muscular tanned legs.

Whew.Oh My! Ryan silently thought. She still got so excited over her lover of 3 years.

Bailey turned around and gave Ryan a quick wave and a wink like she always did. And Ryan always blew her a kiss. Ryan sighed as she looked at Bailey. She loved her so much. Bailey was so brilliant, focused, and driven. She thrived on competition, which is what made her such a great athlete. She had a wicked sense of humor that could rival anyone on Saturday Night Live. Bailey loved people and they adored her too. She was like a people magnet. That is why she would be such a great doctor.

She had a very Katie Holmes look about her, that girl next door cuteness but she could be ***** as ***** too. Ryan loved her heart the best. She was so open and honest. She loved everyone and was never judgmental. Which was amazing considering her parents and how judgmental they were.

After the game they spent some time in the parking lot talking with some of Baileys teammates. After they finished talking Bailey opened the door to her 1999 silver BMW Z3 convertible for Ryan, and they drove to Baileys house.

While Bailey was showering she yelled out, So, where are we going again?

Just back to my apartment. We can order take out. Ryan yelled back.

Good! Im starving. Bailey said as she toweled off and got out of the shower.

Still not dry and completely naked, Bailey threw Ryan on her bed and laid on top of her. She shook her wet hair to get Ryan wet.

Stop it. Ryan said laughing as Bailey was on top of her.

I love you Kirby. Im gonna miss you so much. Bailey said as she turned things serious. Tears started to slowly well up in her eyes as she looked down into Ryans eyes.

I love you too Ben. Ryan said as she too was beginning to cry.

They shared a sweet passionate kiss then Bailey started to undress Ryan.

Okbefore things get to far.we should probably go. Ryan said.

Whats the rush Babe? Were having a moment here. Bailey asked curiously.

I have a surprise for you. Just come on. Hurry up and get dressed. Ryan said as she pulled Bailey up.

Alright. Bailey said a little hesitantly but slightly intrigued.

When they arrived inside Baileys apartment there was candlelight and string lights hung around the apartment. The smell of Italian food filled the air. A picnic scene was set up on the floor.

Wow. You did all this? Bailey asked curiously.

Yeah.what do you think? Ryan turned to Bailey.

I think Im totally impressed and I love you so much. Bailey said as she pulled Ryan in close.

I did have some help. Ryan confessed.

Sweet! Did Taylor cook? Bailey asked.

Yes. Ryan laughed. Taylor was an excellent cook and Bailey loved her food.

I shall have to thank her. Bailey laughed as she took a bite of a breadstick.

Ryan poured the wine and they settled on the floor to eat their dinner.

This is awesome baby. So whats with all the get up? Bailey asked.

I just wanted us to have a romantic dinner, thats all. Ryan answered.

I think you pulled it off. Bailey kissed Ryan.

After dinner Ryan sat Bailey on the couch.
Dont move. Ryan ordered.

Wow..you gonna strip for me too? As Bailey rubbed her hands together in excitement.

Im not even going to answer that. Ryan said as she headed to her room.

She came back with her guitar.

Ah ***** Kirb, youre going to make me cry tonight, arent you? Bailey thought silently to herself.

Ryan began to sing and play:

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful / Stop me and steal my breath / Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky / Never revealing their depth / Tell me that we belong together / Dress it up with the trappings of love / I’ll be captivated / I’ll hang from your lips / Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

Bailey sat speechless and let the tears roll down her cheeks as she listened to Ryan sing.

I’ll be your crying shoulder / I’ll be your love suicide / and I’ll be better when I’m older / I’ll be the greatest fan of your life

After the song was over Ryan put the guitar down and knelt before Bailey, who was still crying, sitting on the couch. Ryans hands were shaking and her voice trembled as she took Baileys hand and said the following words,


I love you Ben with all my heart and soul. Ive never loved anyone more, or think I could have the capacity to love anyone more. You are my life and my future. I only want to be with you and no other.
Ryan reached in her pocket and pulled out a platinum band.

I want you to have this ring. It symbolizes my love and commitment to you and only you. I want to marry you someday Ben. Im asking you to wear this until that time is right. I know we have a lot of stuff on our plate right now. Our careers, the long distance thing, and our families, but Baby we can make it work. I know we can. We are young and we have our whole lives. I want you and only you Baby. I love you so much. Will you wear it?

With tears in eyes Bailey said, Yes.Yes Baby, God, I love you so much! As she covered Ryans mouth and face with kisses.
Ryan smiled then she slipped the band on Baileys left hand. Then she kissed her hand. Ryan then led Bailey into the bedroom and they made love the rest of the night.

(Present time)

Shane was getting nervous because she hadnt heard from Ryan and it was approaching midnight. She left her a couple more messages.

Hey Baby, its me. Gettin a little worried here. I hope youre Ok. Call me. Shane hung up and lit another cigarette.

Ryan finished her 5 mile run on the treadmill. She still had one more stop to make. She was so wrapped up in her anger, she forgot to call Shane, and she didnt check her messages. She got into Sarah and headed off again into the night. Again, her mind turned pages in the past.

(May 1999) Night before graduation

Ryan had dropped her parents off at the hotel after a celebration dinner. She figured she wouldnt hear from Bailey since her parents were in town. They were keeping things on the down low because of both sets of parents being in town.

Ryan had just lied down in bed. It was thundering so loud that she had mistaken the door knock for a clap of thunder. She heard it again. Ryan got up and answered the door.
Bailey was standing there soaking wet from the rain and her eyes were swollen from crying.

Oh Baby, whats wrong? Ryan pulled Bailey into her arms.

Make love to me Kirby. Bailey pleaded.

What? Ryan was confused.

I just need you tonight. Make love to me Baby.

Ok. Ryan said softly, loosing herself as she kissed Bailey.

The last thing Ryan heard before she fell asleep that night was the sound of the rain and, I love you Kirby. As Bailey cried out her name after her climax.

Early the next morning Ryan woke up expecting Bailey to be there. She wasnt. All that was there were the ring and a red tulip.

The last she saw of Bailey was from a distance in the parking lot after graduation. She waved as she was getting into the car with her parents. Ryan waited a day till her parents were gone and Baileys parents had left. Nothing, not a word.

Ryan still had hope. Maybe a misunderstanding??? Maybe she got freaked out??? They could work it out. They could talk, and everything would be OK. Ryan went over to Baileys and knocked on the door after a day of hearing nothing. The landlord came down and told her Bailey had left that morning.

Distraught, Ryan went back to her apartment. She grabbed a bottle of vodka and the sleeping pills. The last thing she saw was Baileys eyes.

I love Ben. I love you. Then the lights went out.

Taylor was worried because Ryan didnt answer her phone. She opened the door to Baileys apartment and it was quiet and dark. She was scared making her way through the dark apartment. She found Ryan on the floor of her bedroom and next to her were the empty bottle of pills and vodka. In her hand she clutched the ring.

Oh My God! Wake up BabyCome on Ryan.Wake upWake up.Damn it.OH GOD..Wake up. Taylor screamed as she shook Ryan. Ryan was still unconscious when the ambulance showed up.

She was starting to come to when they finally reached the hospital. Taylor paced the waiting room while they pumped her best friends stomach.

Miss Larson, you can see her now. The doctor said.

Taylor walked into the room. Ryan looked so horrible. They tried to clean her face up, but she her mouth was still covered with charcoal.

OhBaby.Are you ok? Taylor asked sobbing as she laid her head on Ryan.

I was so scared, I thought I was going to loose you. Taylor said.

Im sorry.I lost her Tay..I lost her. Ryan just sobbed.

I know Baby.I know.. Taylor tried to console her.

Why.Why did she leave me? Ryan still sobbing uncontrollably.

I dont know SweetieI dont know.

I cant live without her. Ryan pleaded.

You can BabyYou can..I promise. Taylor consoling.

Taylor.You have to promise me you will never tell anyone about this.Promise.. My parents can never know.Ever.Nobody .Ever.OK? Ryan still pleading.

You have my word. Its gonna be OK Baby. Taylor said.

No, it will never be OK. Ryan answered back.

The nurse came in and made Taylor leave. It was time for Ryan to rest.

You get some rest Baby. Ill check on you later. I love you. Taylor said as she kissed Ryan and left.

A month later Taylor had moved to LA. And Ryan was on her own for the first time. She started training at the Academy. She graduated at the top of her class.

For a year she through herself into her work and finishing her masters degree in Psychology. She was assigned to work as a profiler for kidnapping and missing persons cases in the D.C. area. She swore to herself she would never be hurt by a woman again. And she swore off women for good! To her women equaled heartbreak. And she just couldnt or wouldnt go through that pain ever again.

During her first assignment she met Ethan. They became great friends and drinking buddies. Eventually they ended up sleeping together. On a whim, he asked her to marry and she said yes. Never really knowing why, she just did it. She didnt love him at all, he was just a great friend, until he turned into a cheating alcoholic.

After wasting 5 years of her life she divorced him. She was promoted and transferred to a different division. They moved to her out to LA. After coming out to her parents, and with their support she decided to live as an openly ***** woman. After all these years, she was finally free to be who she was. For the first time in six years she felt good about who she was and what she wanted.

Ryan pulled up to the main office. She grabbed the 10mm from the seat. Still sweating from the workout and looking extremely exhausted, she walked up to the check out desk.

Evening Danny.

Evening Agent Sawyer. What in the ***** are you doing up here?

I need a couple of rounds.

What? Are you ***** kidding me? Its one in the morning. He said.

Just give me the rounds. Ryan was getting irritated.

Ryan.Its late.Are you ok? He again asked.

Just give me the ***** clips and load the God damn targets! Ryan yelled at him.

Easy thereAlright. He handed her the rounds, the earphones, and the safety glasses.

As soon as she headed to the targets he radioed the guys on duty downstairs.

Hey guys.Sawyer is here. I think she is having a ***** meltdown.Shes at the targets.This could get interesting.You guys should get up here. He said.

Ryan loaded the clips. For 45 minutes she shot rounds off not missing a single target. By the time she was done she had an audience of 10 guys watching her. All hot and bothered by the ***** girl with the gun.

She went to the locker room and took a hot shower. She changed into some FBI issue sweats and a white t-shirt she had in her locker.

OH *****! She remembered Shane was going to call. She glanced at her Tag Heuer dive watch. It was 2:30 A.M.

*****. She said.

She got into the car and checked her phone. She heard all of Shanes messages. Shane was worried.

*****, *****. She said and headed back across town.

She walked up 4 flights of stairs to the apartment. She knocked softly on the door.

The door opened and Shane was standing there in her boxers and tank top. Her eyes were heavy and tired and her voice was low and smoky.

Hey Baby. Shane said as she opened the door and half asleep.

Ryan walked in and practically jumped Shane.

Wow.Whats up Baby? Shane said as Ryan was trying to kiss her.

Make love to me Shane. Ryan pleaded.

No questions.I just need to feel you.ok? Ryan pleaded again.

Ok. Without hesitation Shane led her to the bedroom. She stripped Ryan down and made love to her again and again the rest of the night.

“I’ll be” Lyrics by Edwin McCain

“Break Stuff” Lyrics by Limp Bizkit