So the first problem with making resolutions is keeping them right? Well, there happens to be a whole other shitload of issues trying to keep you from keeping them too. Problem one: You run into a mess with teacherseven the ones that like you; youre liable to get screwed, ditch their classes and they may give you make up work. But they dont have to. I was already for out of seven classes screwed. Problem two: I tried hooking up with Taylor, she was nice to me but shed moved on to more reliable friendsstraight friendsin both senses. Gavin knew what was what with his sister, and so me and it definitely wasnt his scene. I actually tried calling Bettethe first time she didnt pick up and neither did a voicemail, I called again after rechecking the number but I hung up mid way through the third ring. I called back a third time, heard her voice on the answering machine and then hung uptoo much emotion for me. Problem three: One the home front I couldnt buy back Gregs trust by washing windows or vacuuming and I had zero ideas on how to turn it around. Mom had just wanted her little girl back, but I couldnt go that far. She wound up wavering between forgiving, stern, spiteful, and loving. Problem four: Okay well, this last one wasnt really a problem, I actually did something good. I wrote grandma a couple of times, lively, newsy letters, she didnt reply; of course I never really expected one. I just hope that I brightened a few of her last days. She would pass away in January, cold and gray as a San Francisco winter. I didnt know what else to do, things were already *****, there really wasnt any way of going up until it all hit the fan right? All of it really made me want to pay a visit to the monster. Crank, you see, isnt any ordinary monster. Its like a giant octopus, weaving its tentacles not just around you, but through you; squeezing not hard enough to kill you, but enough to keep you from reeling until you try to get away. Try, and you hunger for its grasping clutch, the way its tendrils prop you up, your need intensifying exponentially every minute that you refuse to admit its being. By Wednesday I was starving for speed and for Gwen. In that order. I bummed a snort from Robyn and borrowed her cell. I made the call with trepidation but Lucinda had given me all I needed to know”her name, her brothers name, and these very scary words: La Eme. Eme meaning M, for Mexican Mafia, hardcore importers and traffickers, plus a few chemists, doing there thing on deserted highways. Roberto already knew about me. (Lucinda had used up one of her weekly phone calls and expected a favor one day. La Eme is all about favors.) Roberto set up for a meet the following afternoon. After that I called Gwen and asked her to pick me up and take me to the bank. The goodseeing Gwens truck pull into the far parking lot and hearing, Its been a long couple of days. Kissing her and knowing better things were on the way, right up the road. Ive missed you so much. We detoured to a partially secluded spot, there was kissing, followed by gentle love making set to romantic sonnets. Afterwards we were sprawled out in the back and she had her fingers in my hair. Its never been like this for me before, she whispered like we were in a room full of people and she didnt want anyone else to know. We rode into town, my head on her shoulder, My heart will always belong to you Tina. That wasnt the first time I heard that oneI think Im starting a collection. First it was Bette, well then it was Dorians.but I think Giselle would have something to say about that. The badI noticed the letter, open and lying on the passenger side floor. I was going to tell you” Gwen had been accepted to some film school in Florida. She got a full scholarship. I leave after Christmas break. I had no idea what to say. Please dont cry Tina. I can come back and visit, we can make it work. Well be clear across the countryit looks like another one is leavinghow do I manage to chase them off like that? Out of sight, out of mindI knew it wouldnt work. And the ugly I was still upset when we pulled up to the bankthen I was a tone more upset when the teller informed me thatwell lets just say I was broke. Okay I know that it had dwindled considerably, but none? I needed cash for the next day, I didnt think it was wise to stand up a guy like Roberto; and I was in serious want of a fabulous bender. Im not sure which one of the two made me more panicky. I asked Gwen if I could borrow some money, and when I told her for what she called me crazy and took me home. I didnt even say good-bye, just slammed the door. I checked the mail, nothing for meput there was two letters from Citibankone was my moms mew credit cardthe other was her PIN. I didnt think twice about using that Visa, maybe even three or four times. But it was just so easy, like fate had mailed it directly to me. Mom wouldnt miss it for weeks and then I would deny ever having laid eyes on it. Robyn gave me a ride to meet up with Roberto, he didnt look nearly as scary as he really was, and the buy was easyexcept for one thing. Roberto didnt deal less than half ounce quantities; that much straight from the source was relatively cheapand Visa paid for it. I didnt need it all of course, the plan was to sell some of it so my own little stash would be free. Every dealer thinks that until their nose gets busy. Thats what I became that daya dealer. I had just taken a very big step up in the hierarchy of the monster. I became an instant celebrity on The Avenue; the crank was superb and I, being new to the deal, didnt know enough to cut it. I sold it like I bought itrich, yellow, moist, and stinky. I offed the half, went back for mote, offed that too. My friends were happy, Roberto was happy”enough to front even more; and I was nonstop wired, nonstop tired too. I needed more and more just to get through the day, more and more just to feel alright. Who know how much Id been doing? Who knows how much money I might have made? Who knows if I would have smoked up all the profits? Who knows if I would have ended up in prison”or worse? But one morning in early November I woke up, and the moment I got up, I heaved until it hurt. It might have been the flu or a bad reaction to moms sloppy Joes. It wasnt. Clear Blue Easy was clearly blue, but there as nothing easy about finding out I was pregnant. I didnt know what to do, I didnt know who to turn to. Youve probably heard the story before but until youre in those shoes, wearing them seems so straightforward. Keep the baby of a guy who raped me? Its still a babygive it away? Would I really want to have an abortion? I could give it life just as easily. If you think you have a clear idea, try throwing drugs into that picture. Not quite so cocky are we? So, tell mehow would you choose? I went through the next few days pretty much like a zombie. People wanted crank, I sold it to them. Teachers wanted assignments, I gave it to them. Greg wanted to razz me, I let him. Mom wanted to know what was wrong, I had to say nothing. The monster called for me too, for once, I refused to answer. Friday night I crawled into bed and sank way way low. I submerged myself in a world of watery dreams; tears, an ocean of tears and a baby, a boy afloat in the salty sea. He cried out to me but could I swim away solo? Or would I drown saving him? Saturday I spent the day throwing up, sweating speed, shivering, shaking, tingling all over, and otherwise fighting the symptoms of withdrawal. Sunday I spent the day throwing up, sweating speed, off-balance, confused, weeping, and tumbling end over end deeper and deeper into the throes of depression. Monday I spent the day throwing up, eating, emotional, dazed, lost, and alone. Finally I went to the pay phone (still not allowed on the phone) and made two calls; one to Gwen and the other to Planned Parenthood. My appointment was at two, Gwen picked my up and noon. Pale and shaky I climbed in beside her. Hi. You look awful. I smiled, Well at least we know its not your fault. We laughed at a joke that clearly wasnt funny and headed off. Are you okay? I shook my head and leaned into my hands letting the tears flow, Im pregnant remember? Please dont cry, Im here for you. Here? She was heading to sunny Florida, I didnt need her anyway. Right? I love you Tina, more than I realized. I love you too, but Im really scared hereI cant She pulled off to the side of the road and gripped the steering wheel, then turned to look at me, dead serious. Ill take care of youand the baby. Would she really give up her life like that? For some other persons baby I mean I know that we couldntif we wanted to, I mean we could, just not likeokaywell, she wasnt in on this pregnancyI dont think I could let her make that decision. I meanI want to be with you forever, we could make this work. I want you, she put her hand on my stomach and Id want the baby too, depending on what you decidebut, just know Ill be here. Gwen had stepped up to the plate, and she wasnt even on the batting rosterI guess the pitch was up to me. Planned Parenthood was a cinder block nightmare. It felt like a prison without the comfort of bars. The ugly orange waiting room made me want to throw up.so I did. A dozen women gave me sympathetic looks when I came out of the bathroom. One by one they disappeared as a stern white woman called their names; Gwen held my hand as we watched them reappear one by one, ashen as ghosts. It was a procession of wraiths, and I was at the back of the line, I rocked against the hard plastic chair until the woman finally called, Sadie Chase. Gwen flinched and then whispered, I prefer Tina Chase I already knew my options but I listened patiently as the saccharine Ms. Sweetwater outlined them all again. She did let me know, if I chose to have an abortion it would cost me $500, she also gave the name of a local adoption agency and urged me to consider placing my child in a loving home instead of abortion though. She asked me the last date of my period and of course I thought back to Chamberlain Flat when I used it as an excuse to say no to Nate and then it all came rushing back. I acknowledged it before, that Nate was the fatherbut just thinking about it, saying it out loud. The realization was like jamming a paperclip into a light socket, profoundly stunning, like cinching a garbage bag tight around my neck, completely suffocating. A mad surge of blood rushed to my brain, pounding temples and eardrums before draining away completely. My face went Arctic, diving deep freeze, glacier blue; a graveyard cold hugged me tight rattling my teeth and bones. That things child was inside meMs. Sweetwater called my name, so did Gwen, just before everything went black. Passing out is a weird thing, one minute youre here, then with a mere cerebral flutter youre not. Part of your brain insists youre dead, of course youre not; another part insists that its better there, in the dark. Where exactly are you? Somewhere you hear voices, urgent. Could you be in limbo? A thin beam of light calls youheaven? It gets brighter, whiter, beautiful and you hurry in that direction. Your eyes acquiesce and you open them to discoveryoure back in ***** after all. Voices came back to me, a flood all at once; Gwen, a nurse, a doctor, Ms. Sweetwaterall asking me if I was okay, if I was fine. Oh yeah I was fine. Dandy in fact; I was pregnant by a ***** fiend, starving for the monster, and scared to admit either to those close to me who remained clueless. Their eyes were closed to every negative thing about me, or dying to know every dirty little tidbit. And the only one who knew every little negative, dirty thing would have given me anything. Gwen steadied me as we walked to her Durango hand in hand, she opened the door for me and helped me in and then slid behind the steering wheel. So tell me, what was that all about in there? Nate. My throat constricted like a rubber band twisting around my words, Oh god Gwen, its all so wrong. She looked at me sympathetically, It doesnt matter. We can make it right Tina. She drove me home, slowly, my stomach flip-flopped with every curve and brake. Finally she asked, So, what do you think? I really had no answers, none; so she joked, Should be a cute kid anyway. It actually made me smile but it didnt give me any answers. You dont need to figure it out now, or even thing about what I told you. I didnt need to figure it out then, but soon, I was already at six weeks. I know its a tough decision. It was, tough, too tough and it was all mine to make. but life it full of tough decisions. Then she suggested what I knew was going to be inevitable, Maybe you should talk to your mom. My mom? The ice princess? The ***** queen? The mother of all mothers? How could I talk to her? We hadnt really talked in months, years if you count the drink induced haze she lived in. What would I tell her now? That I was pregnant? That I was pregnant because I was raped? That I was raped because I would have done anything for a taste of the monster? Where would I start? Where would I finish? I didnt know how much to admit or how much to hide, how much to confess Where would I find the nerve to open my mouth without crank?> I knew if I dug down deep enough to find it I would probably crumble and sobbut would she? The kitchen was warm and carried the scent of hot butter wrapped in cinnamon, it reminded me of when I was little, before everything turned to *****. Before Colin, before Greg, before Andy. Back when I still believed mom was the perfect mother and she and I were the two musketeers. We baked together, canned together, planned togetherwith occasional input from dad. She plotted birthdays and holidays around little gifts that didnt cost much, but that I loved dearly. The fun wasnt just in the giving, but in the shared excitement between mother and daughter, having time together. I wondered if my own child could love me that way. Somehow she didnt notice the wavering tone of, Hi Mom. I sat at the table and she brought me a plate of warm oatmeal cookies. I was struck hard with the realization that Colin should be here to see this, he deserved to see mom like this, he never got to know the completely loving side to Jackie Kennard, I missed him more in that moment than I had in the past few months, sitting there with a fresh baked cookie in my hand. Hi honey, how was your day? I almost laughed, cried; but I managed to hold both inside. Okay. Good deal. Hey I need your input. My input? Was this a binding attempt? What should I get Greg for Christmas? OhChristmasit would com right on schedule, despite my predicament. How about a Palm Pilot thingieor clubs Oh Christina, thats a great ideahes always so disorganized The ice princess stroked my hair, and for one very scary instant Theres the buzzer, more cookies? I was on the verge of coming clean.