How can it be, that after all these years, I find myself in the same place I was seven years ago…wandering an empty house? Only this time, it is so much worse…

Its worse, because before I met her…I was clueless to the excruciating pain that comes from having to live day to day, after losing the love of your life……
Before her, I would wander an empty house, wondering what it would be like…what it would feel like, to be in love. Would it feel glorious, safe, and content to wake up next to the same person day after day, or would it feel confining, limiting, or stale? Would I look at her across the sheets and want to ravish her before I faced the world, or would I just want to get up and start my day, with barely an acknowledgment that she is there? How would I react to someone wanting to know where and how I spend my day? Will I bristle at the responsibility of having to participate in keeping a household running? What if I feel like being alone? Is that considered selfish? Will they want to talk about EVERYTHING, and try to find out why it is that I feel the need to be alone? What about money? Do we keep it separate, or by doing that will she think that I am not taking the relationship seriously enough? I thought it was these questions, along with so many more that kept me from settling down. But, I was wrong. I hadnt made that monstrous move yet, simply because up until then, I hadnt met Tina.

Its worse, because seven years ago I was clueless as to the answers to all these questions, and so many more. But, when Tina walked into my gallery, the answers didnt matter…in fact, the questions didnt matter. All that mattered was having her in my life, in my arms, seeing her smiling face, knowing that in some way I was the cause of that smile.

Its worse, because now I know how it feels to be hopelessly, passionately in love. Now I know what it is like to have another person so intertwined into my own life, that it is impossible for me to see my future without her as part of the picture.

Its worse, because now I know what was missing from my life all those years before I met her.

Its worse, because I can no longer be blissfully ignorant as to what it is like to totally give yourself over to another person. Here I am, seven years later, and find myself even worse off than I was before, because for every moment that Tina is missing from my life, there is a hollowness, an emptiness, an ache in my chest, the depths of which I never knew existed.

Its worse, because now that I know what it is like to wake up next to her day after day…to ravish her morning, noon and night…to wash dishes together after dinner…to not feel the need to be alone so much…to WANT to share my thoughts and feelings with her…and to want to give her every cent I earn, so that she can have all that she deserves…now that I know the answers to all these questions, and so many more…I know that all I want for the rest of my life, is to keep experiencing all of this…as long as it is with her.

Its worse, because now that I know the answers to so many questions, I have to live with the fact that because of me and my actions, the precious heart of the one person I yearned to experience all those answers with, has been broken in two. And because of that, I no longer have the privilege of being a part of her life.

Here I am, once again wandering an empty house, only this time my questions are not, how would I feel…this time my questions are… ‘why…why did I allow myself to spiral out of control? Why did I make the decisions that were those of a single person, when all I wanted was to have a family with Tina?

Seven years later and now there are so many more questions. Is that what life is…just one big huge question that has been split apart over and over and over again, until everything you do, everywhere you turn, you have to find the answer to another question before you can move an inch? Not one lousy inch?

Here I am, wandering an empty house feeling so incredibly alone……and then…I look up and see another set of eyes…eyes that are reflecting all my questions back at me…eyes that are telling me that they too allowed the same downward spiral to happen…eyes that are reaching out for help…eyes that are asking to be saved…..


And in that moment, I know that I am not alone…I am not the only one who has fallen into this abyss…maybe, just maybe we can help save each other…and help quiet some of the never ending questions that are now continuously pounding against my scull…

In the end, the only thing that matters is having Tina in my life. Because with her by my side, I dont even have to ask the questions…because, I am…we are…living the answers every single day…In fact, WE are the answer to all my questions…Bette and Tina…Tina and Bette.

Is it so much worse than it was seven years ago? No…its not. Because, now that I know the incredible joy that I am capable of feeling…capable of giving…no matter what happens from here on out, there is no way that this is worse than seven years ago… simply because I now know that Tina Kennard exists…