I remember the morning when I told her I wanted is to try the insemination again, at home, with Marcuss sperm. I couldnt believe her reaction. She was so happy. She even ended up getting to work late because she took the time to make love to me in the shower, right then, right there, showing me exactly how much she loved me and how happy my decision had made her. My body shivered at her intensity as she showed me the depth of her love. And later that night when we did the insemination. God how incredible she made me feel. Why couldnt things have stayed that way? We were so close again. We had gotten back on the same page with one another. Things were going so well, that is until…………

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I found out I was pregnant. I should have known better than to take the test with Alice there. I was just so excited about finding out that I failed to think of how Bette would feel. As soon as Kit asked the question, does Bette know. I immediately knew that I had fucked up. I had just hoped that Alice could keep her word and keep her big mouth shut for a change. I couldnt wait for Bette to get home so that I could tell her. I knew she would be so happy. When she first came in the door complaining about how bad her day had gone, I wasnt sure whether or not my plan had been the best choice. But once she saw the positive pregnancy test, nothing else seemed to matter. She was so happy. She was beaming with pride, with love.

Dinner was quickly forgotten as we had the overwhelming desire to show each other how incredibly happy we were. I should have opened up and talked to Bette afterwards as we laid there exhausted in each others arms. I should have told her that Alice was there when I had taken the test and that she knew about the pregnancy. If I had just done something to soften the blow, maybe she wouldnt have been hurt so deeply when she found out that she hadnt been the first to know. Ill never forget the look in her eyes that morning at the Planet. If I had handled things differently I could have prevented some of that pain. I knew how stressed Bette had been at work, trying to acquire Provocations. I thought I was helping matters, but after hearing her today I had added to her stress. But then, after we went to the ultrasound and saw the baby, I thought that we had gotten past all that. I didnt realize that Bette had just placed it on the back burner to let it simmer with all her other fears and insecurities.

I think back to our dinner with her father. I knew how excited Bette was to tell her father about the baby. I also knew that he would let her down. I probably should have stayed through dinner for Bettes sake, but I just couldnt. He had been so heartless, his words so cruel. It didnt come as a complete surprise to me. I knew very well that he didnt accept Bettes relationship with me. But I also knew that Bette would be extremely disappointed and hurt by his reaction. She wanted so much for his blessing, his approval. I should have talked to her about her feelings when she got home. Instead, I just laid in bed pretending to be already asleep. Not wanting to go there with her, because we never could see eye to eye on things regarding her father. No matter how cruel he would be to her, she would always defend him and I just didnt want to hear it that night. So instead I put further distance between us at a time when we needed to be leaning on each other.

I think back to the time she had to go to New York. She was so excited. I know how important that trip was to her and I know how disappointed she was when I couldnt go, but you would have never known by the way she handled herself. She was so sweet and understanding, she was more worried about me than anything else. And then when I flipped out over Marcuss girlfriend and left her those messages to call me and she couldnt reach me so she got on a plane and flew home. I couldnt believe she did that. But then I felt so bad. She had missed out on so much by leaving early, the dinner being thrown in her honor. She gave up so much in order to come home just to make sure me and the baby were alright. I was so sorry that I had called and worried her, but God how I loved this incredible woman. Even through her disappointment she made me feel so loved, so special.

Things seemed to be going well between us again. We were in that nesting stage and we were sharing so much, we were so close. We were spending time together, sharing things about the pregnancy, reading to the baby together, well Bette did most of the reading. Things were so great. Bette would take the time to rub my back, massage my feet. She waited on me hand and foot. She did so many little things during that time as a way to show me her love. She might not have always said the words, but her actions always let me know how much she cared, how much I was loved. We spent so many nights with her head in my lap as she talked to the baby. She shared so many things with the baby. Things I would have otherwise never known.

Our life couldnt have been any better, that is, until the girls did their boring intervention. I had just blown the girls off. I knew they meant no harm. They just didnt understand the place where Bette and I were. The fact that we so wanted to start a family and how important that was to us. I never realized their words had made such a deep impact on Bette.

Then I pushed her into going to group. I knew she hated it. I could barely get her to open up to me, let alone to strangers. I just thought that it would be good for us. If I had known all the feelings that it would stir up inside of Bette, the battle that would begin to rage within her, I would have never suggested that we go. I had no idea the effect it would have on our relationship. Something that I thought would help bring us together, help us to communicate better, in actuality drifted us further apart. And she was right, I did begin to shut her out, but only because I felt her pulling away from me. We were reacting off each other and pushing each other farther away. I focused on me and the baby while she put everything she had into Provocations. I never even considered that she would begin to feel disconnected from the baby as I began to make decisions without her. However, after hearing her today, I am beginning to see so many things differently. If I had only known some of those things then.

And then we lost the baby. I was so devastated when Dr. Wilson told me she couldnt find a heart beat. God, how I wished Bette had been there. I needed her so. I was disappointed that she hadnt made the appointment. But I also understood that she had been extremely busy getting the show together. There was no way that she could have known we were going to get such bad news. I think things just began to free fall after that. I cant believe Bette had thought she failed me, because I thought I had failed her. I had failed at being able to carry our child. I knew she was being strong for me, but as time went by I began to question whether or not she had even cared. If she had just opened up and shared her feelings with me, maybe we could have gotten through that grueling time together. Instead I let doubts begin to eat away at me. It was not until the Faye Buckley debate when Bette broke down on camera that I began to see a glimpse of her true pain. But she was so quick to reel it back in and shut me off from sharing it with her.

I know we both started doing our own thing. She went her way, I went mine. Never making time for one another, just keeping ourselves so busy that we wouldnt have to think about the pain. I just figured that was what we needed to do to get through the loss. Never in a million years did I think that she would be unfaithful to me. After all, that was not Bette. That was not who she was. I hadnt realized that she had lost herself. I also had no clue that Faye Buckley had made such personal attacks against her, against our family. If she had only talked to me about it, instead of trying to protect me. We would have gotten through it. I would have been there for her. I would have supported her. Bette opened up about so many things today. Most of which had totally blown me away. I had no clue to the extent that Bette had spiraled out of control.

I realize now that even though Bettes fall from monogamy had hurt me profoundly, it really did have nothing to do with me. It was all about the place that Bette had allowed herself to descend into. Not that it makes the pain any easier to bear, but it does help me realize that even at Bettes lowest, she never stopped loving me. I think back to when Bette had found out about Jenny and Marina. How she had been so disgusted with it. I cant begin to imagine how hard Bette must have come down on herself for what she did to me, to us. I saw a glimpse from the video, but I know that it was just the tip of the iceberg. All this time I had been focused on how I felt after finding out about Candace. I cant begin to imagine the devastation that must have hit Bette when the reality of it all sunk in.

I think back to the night Bette slept on the couch. How she had been in so much turmoil the next morning. I remember back to the opening night of Provocations and Bettes breakdown in the shower. It was all coming together now. Bette was at odds with her inner spirit and soul. A battle that we could have probably won if we had just been fighting it together, if she had let me in sooner. Bettes words from the video play over and over in Tinas mind. She knows in her heart that Bette had been honest and sincere in everything she said. She was so proud of her. So knew how hard it must have been for Bette to make that tape, and she was so glad she did. Bette had tried so many times to talk to her after she moved out of their home. She wonders now if they had talked, if they would be together right now. Celebrating their soon to be family.

Now it was Tinas turn to have regrets. She regretted not talking to Bette. She regretted shutting her out so coldly, so harshly. She regretted the pain she imposed on her, in an attempt to gain revenge for the pain she had felt. She regretted making Bette discuss their dirty laundry at the Planet in front of their friends. She regretted going to Joyce Wischnia. She regretted trying to move on with someone else. But most of all she regretted not telling Bette about their baby up front. And now she will always wonder if she had involved Bette in the insemination process this time, if she had let her in on her decision to try again, whether or not Bette would have lost her way. Knowing they were going to have a baby could have been the one thing that brought them back from they hurt they had both endured. After all, it was the loss of their child that seemed to seal their state of destruction. Maybe the knowledge of a second chance would have given Bette the courage to open up to her, to bring that closeness back, to bind them together again.

If only Bette was here now. Tina had so many things she wanted to tell her. There were so many things she was sorry for. She was sorry she had missed Bettes silent pleas for help. She was sorry for not seeing the internal struggle Bette had been going through. She was sorry she hadnt been there to catch her when she fell. She was sorry for the pain that she had intentionally inflicted on Bette when she had been angry. But the most important thing she needed to tell Bette was how much she loved her and that she wanted a second chance for a life together. One that would be even better and stronger than what they had before.

Tina then yells out loud.

Tina: God, Bette, where are you! I need you! We need you!