Previously Chapter 23

Bette : Tina, the day we met was the second best day of life, second only to the day you married me. I love you as much now as I did back then, even more. I know I have not shown it well. I do not want to blame you for the things I did. I accept responsibility for my actions. I made, Tina, a terrible mistake, one that I do not blame you for being angry with me for. But before I made that mistake I think it is fair to say we both made mistakes in the last few months leading up to that. I so wanted our baby Tina, but I was so scared that I couldnt support our family financially, that I would not be a good parent, that I was falling out of love with you. I am not saying these things to hurt you, I just want to be honest with you, totally honest. I slept with Candace more than twice but it was only twice while we were together. Tina, I feel so lost without you in my life. I have only felt that lost one other time, that was when you lost the baby and felt you shut me out. I was so devastated but I couldnt express it or reach you and it felt like you didnt want me to reach you. Tina I want a better future, for us, for our family. I want to be a parent, I want you to be my wife. We will work on the things that went wrong, go to counseling if we need to. We will make sure things are different. Tina I promise you what happened with Candace will NEVER happen again. I am so sorry Tee. I will answer your questions sincerely and openly. Will you give me a second chance I barely deserve. Please talk to me and if we cannot resolve anything I will not stand in your way. Tee, what do you say ?.
The whole time I have been talking I have not let my eyes leave hers, when she looked away, I followed her eyes. I never let go of her hands. Now I sit and wait for the answer that will determine the way the rest of my life goes.
Tina Bette. She trails off. Tina stands and moves past me looking out at the sea. The words play over in mind. Have I left it too late to go to her, to be with her ?

Chapter 24

Tina : Bette, (deep breath). I have waited to so long to hear you talk to me, to open up, to say those things. I would not have followed you half way around the world if I was not serious about reconciling this relationship. I want to thank you for your honesty
Bette : (Tina has her back to Bette, looking out over then sea. I begin to feel despondent, thank you for your honesty, what the ***** does that mean ?) Tina
Tina : Bette, please you said you would let me finish.
Bette : yes, of course
Tina : (Still hasnt turned around) Bette, there are things I need to tell you also, some important, some less important, I also have many questions, if after that you still want to try and save our marriage.(Tina begins to turn around)
Bette : Tina, I want to save our marriage. What do you need to tell me ? (I look straight into Tinas eyes).
Tina : (Looking at Bette, searching for any sign of Bette not telling her the truth, doesnt see any sign of it). Perhaps tonight we can talk about the some of the little things, get some rest and tackle the big issues after some sleep. Id just like to ask you a few questions about the not so important things tonight
Bette : Anything Tina, shall we go inside ?
Tina and I head back inside. I get both of us a glass of water and sit on the couch. Tina joins me. I move to face Tina, dropping both arms to her side in an attempt to indicate with my body language I am completely open. It is warm inside, I stopped adding wood to the fire but the warmth spread throughout the whole inside of the shack.
Tina : Bette, I need to tell you something.
Bette : OK (Im a little wary)
Tina : I am sure you know I came by the house at times you were not there. I took something that belongs to you. (Tina gets out the letter Bette wrote to herself and hands it to Bette). I took it off the table and I have read it
Bette : (A little confused at first, then realizes what it is) Jesus (more to myself than Tina, sudden panic sets in that I said something in the letter to myself that might further upset Tina).
Tina : Bette, I want to apologize. It was very personal and I should not have taken it.
Bette : (Unsure how to respond) Oh, uh, its OK (acutely embarrassed about the content). Tina, some of the things I said ..
Tina : Bette, please. Its OK. I want to stop pretending that this was all your doing and part of that is acknowledging I made mistakes too and setting boundries. I crossed one here.
Bette : (reading the letter gets up and walks around the room). From the letter

I wrote to Tina, to in essence tell her, she is free, I accept she no longer wants to be with me and I will not be an obstacle. Of course I lie, I am miles from accepting it, I love her more than life itself, just like Kit said.

This morning I woke and mouth was dry, my headache fearsome, too much alcohol, I sat out by the pool and let the tears fall and watched the stars. I got more dramatic with each read wine, but it seems a good time to be dramatic. Ironic, I used to criticize Kit for such a thing, drinking too much. I ask myself what does it matter, there is only me, so what if I miss meals and have one or two too many glasses of wine, it is the only thing that helps me sleep. Unfortunately it doesnt help me stay asleep. Sometimes I wake at 4am or 5am and I know I am hung over and over tired, those and the nights are my worst times. The darkness, the loneliness but in a perverse way I enjoy it, it reflects my life. I sit outside and watch the sun come up and truthfully I dwell on what I lost, a love, a life. I meant what I said to Tina, I will not stand in her way of her seeing other people. it kills me to think about it, another woman touching her, not even in an intimate way, just touching her. Oh my god, I think I am going to be sick, the thought of it. But that was nothing on finding out that she was carrying our child, the child we so both wanted

I admit I am angry at her too, very angry but who wants to hear that ? She shut me out after the miscarriage, I didnt feel like I was wanted or needed, I should have spoken. I am angry now she will not let me make this right but honestly if I had the chance how would I make it right ? Can I take the pain away ? No, I cant. I am such an idiot, a fool.

Bette : I look at Tina, trying not cry, remembering when I wrote that letter, how all seem so lost, how much pain I had caused both of us. Tina, ***** (I wipe the tears that have begun to escape).I.I dont know what to tell you.
Tina : Bette, please, do you think I didnt know you were finding the separation hard. If writing helped
Bette : Suddenly I feel intruded upon an angry that Tina would invade my personal thoughts and feeling that way. Tina. Please I do not want to talk about it
Tina : Bette, oh no you dont Bette, cant you see not talking about things is part of what got us here, how we are today. I am sorry, truly that I took something that was so personal, I do not know why I did but Bette, I learnt so many things about how you felt, about us, our marriage, the baby, the separation. Bette I could tell you still loved me like you did when we first met. I know you are likely angry but Bette, please something good came out of it. Bette, you didnt tell me so many things. Tomorrow I would like to ask you why that was and how to can assure me that isnt going to happen again but for now I want to ask you three other things
Bette : I return to my seat. OK. I face Tina.
Tina : Bette, why did you not come and talk to me when you found out about the baby ?
Bette : Oh, Tina, my God, I so wanted to run to you and hold you and the baby, esp, after last time. I was so excited but then I realized if you wanted me to know, you would have told me yourself. I was so hurt Tina, that I you didnt tell me. Then I started to think, maybe you didnt consider it our baby, so I just waited and hoped. That is why I agreed to let you have whatever you wanted. Tina, I know I fucked it up but God, I would never see either you or the baby go without. I am not some heartless monster.
Tina Bette, easy, easy, I didnt mean that you were, if anything I now appreciate the gesture even if I didnt understand it at the time.
Bette : *****, sorry (and I mean it), I jumped all over you about it, I was just so .Im sorry Tee, did you want me to come see you ?.
Tina : I let out a little laugh Yeah Bette, I wanted you to come see me. Bette looks completely confused, I move on. Bette, why did you take down and turn the painting around that you bought me ?
Bette : I just couldnt bear to look at it Tee, I remember when I bought it for you, so much love and hope and it just vanished. I sat for hours staring at it, willing it to give me answers, some direction. When it never came, it was like it was tormenting me, silently mocking me. I couldnt bear to put it away but I couldnt bear to look it, so I took it down.
Tina : Oh Bette (she reaches out for my hand). One more question and maybe we should leave it there for the night.
Bette : Sure Tee
Tina : Bette, why did you leave your wedding ring behind, you never take it off ?
Bette : I clear my throat and figure if I can answer this with as much honesty as the other questions then I have done the best I can do for tonight. Tee, I left it because I really believed we were finished. It wasnt that I didnt want to remember you or us, it was just too painful. The ring had no end, I couldnt see an end for the pain Id caused both of us. It seemed to encapsulate what I thought our life would be, no end, continuous, strong, all encompassing. Tee, I just couldnt bring it with me, something that was so representative of us, I couldnt move forward, Tee, *****, I know I am not explaining this well.
Tina : (Just sitting there with a rye smile). Hey, Bette, you explained it just fine, she says trying to ease me uneasiness.
Tina : I sat there admiring Bette, her openness and honesty, even if she lacked some articulation, which wasnt like her. Bette was going to help me save this marriage or die trying. Bette, there is something I need to tell you and you are not going to like it.
Bette : OK Tee, tell me.
Tina : Bette, when I came here, I think its obvious why I came. Anyway I didnt feel like we were getting anywhere. When I asked you to come and sleep with me, I had planned to sleep together, uh, have ***** and leave you in the morning.
Bette : Tina, I know.
Tina : What ?
Bette : Tina, I know thats what you were planning. I guess I dont quite know the details but I got the picture, ***** me, leave me, then we are even.
Tina : : ***** Bette, shityou knew ?
Bette : Tee, its OK, I understand, really.
Tina : Bette, Id like to cancel the car for the morning if that’s OK with you. I think we should go to bed.
Bette : “Oh, yes, of course, that’s Ok with me. Tina, I am so glad you are staying”.