She

She sat at the waters edge watching the foam from a small wave tickle her toes. Watching the waves roll into nothingness and have everything become so smooth and calm you would never know there was ever any distortion. It was amazing how long you can watch the ocean and the motions erupting from nowhere and go nowhere. Mother Nature at her best and worst.
*********************************************
How had her life gotten to this point? On the outside anyone looking on would think that this woman had everything and nothing to complain about, but they could not see into her tortured heart. With every wave that rolled by, her heart broke a little bit more. Not one to feel sorry for herself, she just had so much trouble bringing herself to carry on with the everyday motions, pretending that everything was fine, while really every little thing was disintergrating before her eyes.
*********************************************
She had always lived by such high and unreachable standards.It’s one thing to set goals, but they must be attainable, not so stringent that a saint could not carry on with them. She set herself up for tumble that could not surrive the eventual fall off the pedestal. The trouble with setting yourself up as a moral guide is people cannot really see the whole of you. You don’t realize that friends and family need to see the cracks and imperfections, so that they can be there to help you when you fall, just like they need to know you will be there when they fall. Everyone needs the security of knowing someone will help catch you when you topple. But not her, not then. Now she was finding that having lost the best thing in her life, was not only losing her soulmate, but also losing herself. She did’nt know who she was any longer. How could she have done something so out of control, so not like herself, so human.
*********************************************
Cheater, deceptor, imposter, hypocrite. The list goes on and on. Words that describe her indiscretion fly through her mind as the sound of the crashing waves brought her out of her incessant thoughts. It will soon be sundown and a start of another long and lonely evening. All those words and feelings she knows her friends are feeling about her, if not out loud, then in their minds and behind her back. She would not really know, because she has cut herself off from everyone. She knows Tina would need the comfort from their friends more than she did. She was wrong. How can you work anything out if you have noone to talk things through with, bounce things back and forth with, cry and laugh through? Realizing
this was almost as painful as losing Tina’s love, trust, faith and respect.
*********************************************
Things were going to have to change and noone can put it into action but her. She stood up and brushed the sand from her bottom. Trudging back to her car she was tarting to formulate a plan. First she was going to have to get back in touch with everyone and humbly start to regain everyones esteem. She was going to need the help of all her friends and family if she was going to get to a place where Tina was going to even talk with her, look her in the eyes or even acknoweledge that she was even in the same room. Her work was cut out for her, but she now had a goal and anyone who knew Bette, knew not to try and stop the force that was Bette.
*********************************************
Before she could attempt to form some kind of relationship with Tina, she was going to have to find out how to live with herself. She had to prove to Tina that things were not going to be the same. Maybe the love, admiration and awe was the same or more so, but the selfishness, self-centeredness, self-absorbtion or egotism were going to have to fade into the shadows. She can’t dissolve herself completely, but she had to become more open and willing to listen and to be able to ask and answer the hard questions.
*********************************************
It was going to be hard. It was going to be excruciation. It was going to save her life.