I don’t see Shane for two days. And two days later, as I’m getting ready to run out the door to cover a swing shift for a co-worker, she shows up at my doorstep with latte and an apology.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Come in,” I say, and she follows me back to the bathroom. I’m putting my contacts in, and it is one of those days where they don’t seem to want to cooperate. “*****,” I mutter, and start over, cleaning it with solution, then I dry my eye with the back of my hand, and finally pop the damn thing in.

“Ugh. I don’t know how you can do that.”

“It’s not a big deal. Just a pain in the *****.”

“Ick. Something so wrong with jamming something into your eye.” She shudders cutely. Today she is wearing simple jeans and a gray hoodie and she looks cute, younger.

“You wear glasses sometimes, so don’t you need contacts?”

“Nope. I’m blessed with perfect vision.”

“Poseur.”

“Bite me.”

I smile. She’s been hanging around me too long. She’s starting to sound like me.

“Hey, look, I’m sorry I was abrupt with you on Sunday.”

I am silent, thankful that she’s broached the subject, but unsure of how to proceed. I put the second contact in without incident and blink until it stops feeling so weird.

“It’s cool,” I say quietly. “I just… I dunno. I felt like I’d overstayed my welcome or something, or did something to make you… mad or sick of me or whatever.”

“You didn’t do a thing. That day was amazing. Sometimes, I just feel the urge to go out.”

I read between those lines as best I can.

“You don’t have to be sorry. Everyone needs their me time. I’m not trying to own you or anything.”

“I know,” she says. Something in her eyes is solemn and simple, but I can’t grasp it.

.

I am at work one day in late July, taking blood from a ten year-old girl. She bravely stretches out her arm and looks stoic. She has big brown eyes. I promise this wont hurt too much, sweetie. Just take really deep slow breaths.

The girl nods, wide eyes and brown hair, and I wonder if this is how Shane looked at that age. The fact that Im thinking of her now, with a full ER and a psych patient screaming about conspiracies in the hallway and ten patients whose meds I need to administer, is annoying.

Salameh. I look up to see the medical director. Shes always pronounced my name right, and exuded a no-bullshit aura, and I like her.

Hi Dr. Angelo.

Can I speak to you when youre done? Shes smiling, so I hope that this isnt bad.

Sure.

I retract the needle, press cotton and have the girl bend her arm. You did good, I say, patting her fevered cheek.

I find Dr. Angelo at the nurses’ station reviewing a chart.

Whats up, Doc?

Hey, Darah. Um, what are you doing Saturday after next?

Um – uh, are you asking me out?

She laughs. No, Im sorry. I said that wrong. Youre lovely but I dont swing that way. I dont know if youre aware but the hospital is throwing its annual awards banquet slash fundraiser thing. And I need you to be there because youve been nominated for Nurse of the Year.

Are you serious?

Im serious.

I havent even been here all year.

Well, youve impressed the ***** out of somebody. The nominations come from peer recommendations as well as management.

Wow. I dont know what to say. Well, Ill be there.

“Great.” She gives me a flyer advertising the event. Its black tie. Bring your girlfriend, or whomever.

Okay. Thanks, Doc.

.

Thus, that Friday finds me shopping with Alice for a dress I cant afford. We comb through racks of dresses. Id like something blue, I tell her.

I meet her at the end of the rack, and she has three dresses in my size. I have four. She waits while I try them on.

I decide on a silk halter dress, a simple sheath in baby blue. I turn for Alice, running my hands over the curve of my waist, over my hip, and she says oh my god, Darah, you look so hot, thats the one.

Later, while I wait to pay for the dress, she turns to look at me. So whats up with you and Shane?

What do you mean?

She rolls her eyes. Dont play dumb, Dar, thats just so unbecoming.

No, Im not playing dumb, I just am curious to know how you see the situation. Im not trying to be all coy and *****. Thats her style, not mine.

Im not so sure you want to know how I see it.

What? What does that mean?

You guys have been acting weird. I mean, weirder than normal.

I know.

Why?

Can I help you, the salesgirl asks.

Yes. I lift my dress onto the counter, then turn to Alice. Ill tell you all about it, but youre buying lunch. I scrounge in my purse for my credit card.

.

So, heres the deal, I say, when we are seated in a cafe, drinking water with lemon and watching people go by. It all changed this night we took that girl home from Milk.

A third person altered your dynamic?

Well, yeah. Not so much on my part, because she was just *****, you know. But ever since Shane and I started *****, well, Ill spare you the details, but her tendency to be so wham, bam, thank you maam has annoyed the ***** out of me to varying degrees. And its just that lately, thats been amplified.

So its not jealousy over some girl?

No, not at all. When we were with Steff, actually, she was… a lot freer with herself emotionally than normal. It was much more… intimate and that pissed me off, that she could only do that with someone else there.

Interesting.

Yeah, thats my life. Endlessly ***** fascinating. Anyway, thats my perspective. Im not sure whats going on in her head. I have no clue, actually.

Are you in love with her?

I roll my eyes and put down my fork. Shes my best friend!

So?

Al, honey, are you projecting just a little?

No!

Oh, for ***** sake, Al, now whos being coy?

We arent talking about me! Do you love her? Like, as more than a friend?

I…I dont ***** know. She just… makes me ache, thats all. She’s unsettling to me.

She takes a bite of her bruschetta and swallows. Then she grins You know, one time this friend of mine told me ‘you have to tell her how you feel.’ No, wait… that was two friends of mine. Hmm, gee, I wonder who that was? If only I could remember who they were? Hmm…

“Oh, shut the ***** up.” I say, balling up my straw wrapper and throwing it at her.

“You know I’m right.”

“Okay, okay, all kidding aside: Im afraid if I talk to her shes gonna just retreat. And that will kill me, because I love her, you know, shes my best friend.

But if youre best friends, then that would hurt her too.

Yeah. But she strikes me as someone who wouldn’t let that stop her. Maybe Ill bring it up. I dunno.

But I dont. And given the weirdness between Shane and I, I ask Alice to be my date for the awards dinner. She says no. Im not sure if its because she cant, or doesn’t want to, or because she wants me to ask Shane.

Later that week Im at Shane and Jennys. We staggered over there after poker night at Bettes place, and Shane and I go to her room and *****. After, we lie there and she smokes.

I watch her lips around the cig, her thin hands as she pulls it from her mouth and blows the smoke upward. I laugh.

What? She says, amused.

Youre a clich. Was I that good that you need a cigarette after?

***** off, D.

Again?

Hey, why not, right? She mumbles it sweetly and idly strokes my side with the back of one hand, giving me an adoring glance. It infuses me with warmth, and I think of the discussion I had with Al.

Im not sure what to do with this emotion so I close my eyes and breathe. The smoke irritates my lungs, but I try to tune it out.

So Al tells me you got an amazing blue dress that makes you look ***** hot. I stare at her. Alice is playing ***** cupid.

She better watch out or she’ll get shot in her cherubic ***** with one of her own arrows.

Yep. Theres this awards thing at the hospital. Apparently someone thinks Im Nurse of the Year.

Thats awesome, D.

Yeah. Id say cool, free booze and food, but that sort of negates the cost of the dress. And I need a date.

Ill be your date. She says it like its nothing, and really it is, but I was afraid shed make a big thing of it.

For real? You would do that?

Yeah, why not? She shrugs and stubs out her cigarette.

I grin. Thats awesome. I didnt ask because I didnt think youd wanna go.

Sure, Ill go. I clean up well.

Yes you do, I smile, suddenly onsumed with the desire to lick her navel. You do many things well. She chuckles and shakes a bit as I tickle her, gasping *****, Dar,” quivering, and I think sweet, sweet, sweet.

.

Why dont you just wear the brown one from the wedding? We are at Shane’s, going through her wardrobe, trying to put together an outfit for my awards dinner.

Naw. I kind of feel like a ***** in head-to-toe brown. Besides, we kinda ruined it under the willow tree.

I snort. Dont tell that to Corporate. I bite back a smile at the memory.

She rolls her eyes.

How about this? I say, pulling a dark blue velvet suit out of her closet.

Eh, she says, not enthused.

Wait a minute. Humor me. I have a camisole that will look great with this. You can be like, pimp chic.

Whatever.

Dont tell me you want to wear a dress?

God, no.

Hey, youd look hot in a dress.

In the end, she winds up in the suit, looking fantastic. Its a very trendy outfit, and shes put my violet camisole under it. The colors sing together and her hair is messily fabulous. Her lips are a purply pink that I just want to kiss.

You look hot, I say, when she walks out, and gets in my car.

Thanks. Bettes talking to you.

Huh?

She points to Bettes front porch. Indeed Bette is getting up and walking toward the car. I roll down the window.

Hey, Darah. Lets see this dress of yours.

Okay. I undo my seatbelt, get out and do a turn for her. I look awfully hot: the bodice hugs me and the color of the dress makes my eyes pop. Ive pulled my hair up on the sides but it hangs down my bare back sexily. I enjoy the knowledge that Shane is watching me move.

Very nice. You guys are gonna tear it up. She smiles, and though she means it, she just sounds so white.

Shane has also gotten out of my car. She is watching us, arms stretched across the roof of my car. God, shes beautiful. Seeing her there watching me makes me feel something at the nape of my neck. I absolutely must taste her tonight.

Well, you kids have a good time. Bette says.

What is this, senior prom? I laugh, getting back in the car.

Have her home by eleven. Good luck with the award. Bette grins. And no fooling around.

Yes, mother, we say in unison.

Later, B, Shane mutters, holding a hand up to the window, and we are off.

I think Bette was mackin on you, D.

Ugh. What the ***** was she thinking, cheating on Tina?

I have no idea.

I guess shes paying for it now.

Hey. Shes my friend. Yours too.

I smile. God, she is so sweet and loyal. I know. I just dont understand it.

Youre one to talk about monogamy.

What the *****?

I stare at her until the light turns green. What the *****, Shane? Do you see a wedding band on my finger?

Whatever. She rests her elbow on the door, her finger lingering between her lips. She must be trying to quit smoking again. She always gets very oral.

“What the ***** is with you lately? You’re always biting my damn head off!”

“Oh, and you don’t?” Her eyes get narrow when she’s angry. It’s almost *****.

“No, actually, I don’t think I do.”

She scratches her head and sighs angrily, staring out the window. I glance at her and in profile she is so beautiful.

“Seriously, Shane, thats ***** unfair. If I had a wife, I wouldnt cheat. Its that simple.

You would get married?

If I found the right girl, ***** yeah! But until then Ill ***** whomever I please. And I certainly dont need any ***** about it from you, Miss my-grid-takes-up-a-whole-zip-code.

Whatever, Dar, I dont wanna fight. She knows I’m right.

I dont either. Lets just go have some fun, eat some free food, shock some breeders.

Okay, I look over to see that she is smiling her sweet lopsided smile, and just like that, everythings fine.