Tina plopped herself on the couch and started leafing through an older copy of LA Magazine that was out on the coffee table. Alice had invited Tina over, and then disappeared into her bedroom for a period time after getting an “emergency” phone call from Dana.

With that, Tina felt a twinge of jealousy. She had her own recent large number “first time” experiences in her own relatively new relationship with Helena. But none of those firsts had the impact of when her relationship was fresh with Bette.

It was easy enough to think that this was because Bette was not just a new relationship, but her first relationship with a woman. And maybe that was the reason. Tina still couldn’t think of Bette without having flashes of anger.

But now, those were even beginning to fade. Things were different. Bette was different. Whenever they were together, which Tina found was happening more and more lately, Bette was more open, more willing to listen.

There were still many outstanding issues between them. Tina had tried not to react when she told Bette that she could say anything, but Bette clarified that this wasn’t the case.

And Bette was right. But there was something about Bette’s acceptance of the situation that remained sweet. Tina wasn’t sure how she could really think of it other than that. Sweet.

And then there was the baby. How she had thought about that decision, opening herself up to Bette for the sake of the baby. What did that mean for the two of them? Could they interact as parents, and only as parents?

Tina had already seen a glimpse of Bette and another woman. She still wondered if she could take it if Bette showed up to pick up the baby with a new woman in tow. Not that she was necessarily one to talk of such things. After all, she still had her relationship with Helena, whatever that relationship was.

She and Helena had yet to really define things. In some ways that was thrilling. Helena could be totally unpredictable, especially in her openness about *****.

That, in itself, could be exciting, such as at the pool at the hotel. But it could also be uncomfortable, like when the children invaded their bedroom as Helena was beginning foreplay, the two of them naked and in bed. Helena was willing to write that off as Tina not being a parent but Tina remained fairly certain that she had said the proper things at the time.

Engaging in ***** play in front of children certainly wasn’t the same as having public ***** in a place where they could get caught. The latter had an element of excitement, while the former felt just wrong, regardless of how curious children might be on the topic.

Still, with the excitement of helping Helena initiate the rooms of her new house, Tina couldn’t help but remember how things were when she moved in with Bette.

Bette had already owned the house prior to their relationship and they decided that it was best for Tina to move in, rather than renting her own place.

Initially, they told themselves, told everyone, that Tina was moving into the guest room. And, technically, she did. Her things did, anyway. She had moved directly out of Eric’s condo, and somehow, this “guest” status seemed like it would be easier for friends and family to understand.

And both she and Bette tried very hard to make the fiction a reality. Tina had gotten prepared for bed on that first night, and found herself in a very large bed in a dimly moonlit room.

Shortly after she had lain down, she heard a gentle knocking at the door.

“Come in.” Tina couldn’t help but smile at Bette’s sense of propriety.

The two of them had seen each other naked on several occasions, and had spent great deals of time exploring each other’s bodies. Still, Bette was dressed in sweats and a tank, and looking the part of the gentle host.

Tina had also opted to sleep clothed, but selected a pair of flannel pajamas as her covering of choice.

“I thought you might like to be tucked in.” A stream of moonlight illuminated Bette’s smile as she stood at the side of the bed.

“Thanks,” Tina’s voice was barely more than a whisper, like she didn’t want to break a spell. As Bette leaned over and tucked the covers around her, it was all Tina could do to keep from grabbing hold of her love and pulling her into the bed.

Bette topped off the tuck-in with a peck on the forehead.

But instead of moving away, she lingered. And she smiled. A smile that Tina matched.

Bracing herself by placing her hands on the mattress, one on each side of Tina, Bette leaned in again. First she placed a light kiss on each eyelid. Then on the tip of Tina’s nose. That one tickled, and made Tina giggle.

Finally, she moved in for the ultimate good-night kiss. And if there was one thing that Tina Kennard had learned about Bette Porter during their time together until that point, it was that Bette Porter knew what she was doing with a kiss.

Tina eagerly met her lover’s lips, and pushed things further, stroking her tongue between Bette’s lips until she was given entrance.

This is when it all became too much for Tina, just kissing Bette. She reached out from under the covers, ruining a perfectly good tucking job, and placed one hand on the back of Bette’s head, keeping her close. The other hand she ran up Bette’s arm, and then down her back.

Bette kept leaning in, until Tina found Bette fully on top of her, their kisses continuing, and deepening. And that feeling, being beneath Bette, was one that gave Tina a sense of love, a sense of security.

It was a sense that stayed with her that night as the two of them made love, and made their home, together, They never again tried to force the pretense that they slept apart, or would sleep apart except under the most extreme of circumstances.

It remained a sense that she could reclaim as needed, any time she and Bette made love. A sense that she’d never recaptured since she had moved out of the house on that terrible night.

Perhaps because this was not a position that she and Helena could engage in that Tina had never felt that level of security in her new relationship.

But Tina was beginning to wonder if there might be more that was missing, although it was not a subject she truly wanted to dwell on. Such thoughts tended to, eventually, lead back to Bette. And as many times as she’d had good thoughts of Bette recently, there was also quite a bit of animosity that remained over how they had left things. The loss of the sense of total security, regardless of circumstance.

Rather than grind through the same thoughts again, Tina thought perhaps she could keep herself busy by lending a hand to Alice in straightening the apartment.

It was clear from the state of the living room that with all of hers extracurricular activities, Alice was not spending time attending to her personal space. Tina thought the room had looked less messy than when she was using it as her closet. But maybe she was just numb to everything at that point.

She had gathered up most of the paper wads, and stacked the scattered magazines, when she came across a box that seemed to have a collection of more random papers, old newspapers primarily, covering it.

Tina kicked at the box, testing its weight. Finding it not too heavy, she lifted it onto the coffee table, figuring she could find a place for it once it was at a more convenient level to lift. As she set it down, one of the flaps came open, and Tina noticed a flash of color inside. She couldnt’ help but peek.

Inside, she found a whole set of decorations, cards, invites, the works, for a baby shower. Blue. For a boy. For the son she and Bette had lost.

Unable to stop the tears, Tina sat down on the sofa, her soundless sobs racking her shoulders. She covered her eyes, and let herself feel not just the sense of loss for her son, but her feelings of concern about the child she now carried.

She hadn’t discussed this with anyone. Not Alice, not Helena, and certainly not Bette. But the feelings were there, often not far from the surface.

Through her tears, she felt a small sense of relief as she felt a kick from within. A statement from her daughter. The kick brought a smile, as well as more tears. It wouldn’t be long now, just another couple months and they would be at full term. Even now, there would be great risk, but technically, she could deliver.

But she didn’t want great risk. She wanted perfect. Everything. Perfect. Daughter. Life. Wife. Everything.

Sucking in a deep breath, Tina worked to calm herself. She thought about the baby, her daughter, as she stroked her stomach. Maybe not everything would be perfect, but maybe one thing, her daughter, would be enough.

Lost in these thoughts, Tina never heard Alice return to the living room. Alice took one look at the box, and one a Tina, and immediately sat next to her friend, letting Tina lean into her.

“I’m sorry,” Alice whispered. “You weren’t supposed to find that.”

Saying nothing, Tina just nodded her head.

“Shhh” Tina felt comforted as Alice rocked her back and forth, rubbing a comforting hand across her back.

“I’m so sorry,” Alice continued. “I was making room for D” She stumbled over the particulars. “I was making room. I never thought you’d try to clean my house.”

Tina couldn’t help but let a smile creep onto her tear-stained face. It was rather absurd, the thought that she’d clean someone else’s house. “I’m nesting.”

“Stupid, putting the box out here. Stupid taking the phone call.” Alice continued her litany of self-recrimination.

“No, Alice. These things happen. If not here and now, they happen.”

Alice nodded in understanding. She hadn’t realized with the new baby on the way that Tina still felt such a sense of loss, or had such concerns. She began to wonder how much of these fears Tina carried with her, a private burden, hidden from all. She wondered how much of this Bette knew. Did Helena know anything, and had she tried to ease Tina’s pain? Alice didn’t know if Helena even knew of the miscarriage.

“Promise me one thing?” Tina’s voice was so quiet, Alice almost couldn’t hear her friend.

At the look of sadness and loss in Tina’s face, Alice would have promised anything within her power, and perhaps even attempted things that were beyond.

“No shower, please. Not before.”

Alice brushed back some locks of hair from Tina’s face. “Of course. We’ll wait.”

Tina nodded.

“But when we do have it, it’ll be one kick ***** party.”

Again, she was gifted with one of Tina’s smiles. While the smiles were not as rare now as they once were, their positions now couldn’t help but remind her of Tina on the night of Provocations.

How much of the feelings of loss of that night, Alice wondered, had to do with this child. A child Tina must have been carrying at the time. How many nights had she fretted over this baby, alone, no one to share the highs or lows of the pregnancy?

Alice reached for a tissue and handed it to Tina. “Better?”

Tina nodded, and Alice almost believed her.

Things weren’t yet right. But maybe, just a little bit, maybe they were getting better.

(the end)