Alice ran to the door hearing the first light knocks. She held a finger up to her lip, motioning to her guest to be quiet.

Complying with that request, Bette followed Alice into the living room.

“Look, sorry to call you, but I need to go and I’m a little worried about leaving her alone.” Alice motioned with her head towards the bedroom.

Bette seated herself on the couch. “What exactly happened, anyway? Your message was a bit vague.”

Alice plopped next to Bette, and wiped at her eyes with her hand. “Everything. Nothing. I don’t know.”

Rather than respond to that non-answer, Bette patiently waited for more, giving an expectant look to her friend.

“I had this box. Tina found it.”

“And?” Bette still wasn’t getting it.

“It was stuff that I’d got for a baby shower.”

Bette’s face fell. “I’m not sure a shower is a good idea, Alice.”

“Yeah. Well, I got this stuff a while ago.”

“Oh.”

From Bette’s flat response, Alice knew she wasn’t quite comprehending.

“A long while ago.”

Now there was that look, that reaction. A quick flash of pain that told Alice the message was received.

“Oh.” Same response. Far sadder in its delivery.

“Anyway, she cried a bit, and then she asked if she could lie down.”

Bette gave her friend a weak smile. “Thanks for calling me.”

“I didn’t know what else to do. I mean, if she wants to talk about this at all, it just seems like you’re, I don’t know, like you understand.”

That was an understatement. While Bette had no doubt that Tina felt the loss of their son in ways that she would never fully understand, she knew that it was a loss that she would always feel, always remember. Even now, when she was able to tell Tina how happy she was, the unspoken memory of their first child hung between them.

“I appreciate the call, Alice.”

“But?”

Bette raised an eyebrow. “But?”

“You appreciate the call, but it seems like there’s more there you’re not saying.”

“I’m not sure it makes sense.” Bette crossed her arms and leaned back. “Maybe I’m too hopeful, but I feel like Tina’s sending me mixed signals.”

“So, you’d rather I didn’t call you?” Alice wasn’t quite sure where this might be going.

“No, not at all. I really am glad you called. But I allow myself to hope, and then she goes off to be with Helena.” Bette took a deep breath. “I’m just afraid, I guess.”

There it was. Bette Porter laid bare.

“Afraid that she’ll be with Helena?” Alice prompted.

Bette wiped at a tear that had escaped from her eye. “Afraid that she’ll want me back,” she explained, her face a sad smile.

“I thought that you wanted” Alice let out a breath. “I’m confused.”

“I do want her back. I’m close to her, I want to touch her. I find myself sneaking glances at her, half-worried that she’ll catch me; and half-hoping she does.”

“None of this seems like a problem, Porter.”

Bette just stared of, lost in her thoughts.

“Bette?” Alice spoke gently, rousing her friend.

“Hmm?”

“Do you think Helena deserves her?”

Alice held her breath, knowing that she’d just possibly crossed a line with that comment. But hearing the quiet giggles, actual giggles, coming from Bette Porter, she knew that she had, in fact, found the correct words to lance the Porter ego.

“Look,” Alice got up and gathered her things. “She’s in the bedroom. Tell her, well, whatever.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll tell her you left to have *****.”

“Yeah, it’s probably best to stick with the truth.”

Bette frowned, remember all the untruths that had taken her and Tina to this place.

“Oh, *****!” After Alice realized what she said, she wasn’t really sure what to do. So she lunged for Bette, wrapping her in a big hug. She placed a kiss on the cheek as she pulled back. “You know that’s not what I meant. C’mon, you can do this.”

“Are you sure?”

“Are you Bette Porter?” This gained Alice another smile.

But then Alice’s face took on a serious mien. “I know there were times when I questioned, you know, this stuff. How you felt.”

Bette nodded, remembering the fight the two of them had over Joyce Wishnia.

“Well, you were right. I really didn’t understand. I’m not sorry that I stuck up for her when she needed someone, but I really didn’t realize how much you were hurting, too.”

Bette took Alice’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

Together, the two of them walked to the bedroom. Tina lay on her left side, facing the door. Even though asleep, she looked tired. Bette leaned against the door frame, just watching the gentle rise and fall of Tina’s chest as she breathed.

“She’s so beautiful,” Bette whispered. “Every time I see her, I just think she’s even more beautiful that the last.”

Alice gave her friend a smile, and quietly left the apartment.

The same thoughts kept grinding through. Do I deserve her? After what I did? After all the times that I didn’t see her? Do I deserve to have any part of this woman?

Not wanting to be too close, Bette took a seat in the hallway, facing the door. And she watched, letting herself remember.

She thought back to the night, when she and Tina had been living together for about six months. It was dinnertime, they were at home, and the phone rang.

The two of them were laughing over something, Bette couldn’t remember exactly what. It didn’t matter, exactly, but it was nice to have so many memories that involved laughter.

But when Tina took the phone call, it changed. Bette could tell from the look on her face that whatever news had come in, it wasn’t good news. Tina went to the bedroom with the phone for privacy. Bette found herself torn with respecting that need to be alone, and wanting to be close, for support.

She busied herself, cleaning up in the kitchen. Even after that was completed, Tina didn’t emerge.

Nervous, Bette went to the door and listened. No sound. She knocked gently. “T? Honey?”

Tina opened the door, her face damp from tear, her eyes red-rimmed. She tossed her arms around Bette’s neck, holding on as if for her very life, and just continued to sob.

Bette moved Tina to the bed and got her to lie down. She lay beside her, holding her, rubbing her back, until Tina relaxed. Bette held her, keeping her safe from whatever had so upset her. But even with all the turmoil, Bette couldn’t help but feel an immense sense of joy as she gazed upon Tina’s face. This woman was so beautiful, body and soul, that Bette felt as if each day thus far had been a gift.

“I’m sorry,” Tina mumbled, starting to sob again. “I’m such a mess.”

“Can you talk about it?” Bette’s voice was low, calm.

Tina hiccupped, and worked at catching her breath. “That was my mother.”

Bette couldn’t help but look confused. She and Tina hadn’t talked much about their families; well, not of parents, anyway.

“It wrote her,” Tina continued. “About me, about us.”

“Oh T, baby, you should have told me.”

“I just I wanted to do this, you know? I wanted to let her know that this was my choice.” Tina held up a finger, indicating to Bette she needed a moment to collect her thoughts. “Not choice. I now know what people mean when they say it’s not a choice. I know now that this is who I am.”

“And your mother?”

“She, umm, wasn’t so pleased.”

Bette tightened her grasp on Tina. “I’m sorry, T. I know how it is, trying to get your family to understand.” Bette had had enough non-discussions with Melvin on this topic, and things never seemed to vary from his perspective.

“Well, I don’t expect her to change. Right now, I don’t expect anything from her.” Tina wiped away the tears. “I don’t expect I’ll hear from her again.”

The enormity of that statement took a moment to sink in. Tina was willing to be with Bette regardless of what it cost her. That thought made Bette’s tears come forth, also. “And you don’t regret this?”

“Us?” Tina asked.

To that Bette just nodded.

“No.” Tina brushed a kiss across Bette’s lips. “Promise me one thing?”

“Anything.”

Tina looked far more vulnerable and hopeful than Bette had ever seen her. And she looked more beautiful. “Promise me forever?”

Bette’s first reaction was a smile. Her second was to return Tina’s kiss, but with more ardor. And, she hoped, conveying not just her assent, but her intent to both honor and cherish Tina’s request. For Bette, this is when it all became about forever.

Now, as she watched Tina’s measured breaths, she wondered how she had ever let that promise slip away. How she had ever forgotten the time she felt that forever would never be long enough.

She held her breath as she saw Tina’s eyes flutter, and then slowly open.

“Bette?”

Afraid to answer, Bette just nodded.

“Wha? Alice?”

Bette eased herself off the floor. “Alice had to go out.” Bette gave a small shrug. “Dana.”

Tina nodded, her face serious. “I suppose I should go.”

“If you want.” Bette wanted to rush into the room, but held herself back, afraid of how the gesture might be taken. “I don’t think she’s going to be back for a while, if you wanted to stay.”

The look of indecision on Tina’s face was almost enough to break Bette’s fragile heart. She wondered for how long the thought of them being alone together would bring such pain to Tina.

“Or, I could drive you someplace,” Bette added quickly. “If you don’t feel like driving yourself.”

“Did she tell you what happened?”

Bette looked down, kicking at the floor. “Yeah. She called me. She didn’t think you should be alone.”

“I’m glad.”

The words were so quiet Bette wondered if she’d just imagined she’d heard them, somehow wished them into being. She gave Tina a cautious smile. “Really?”

The smile went away quickly, though, on Tina’s look of loss. “You understand.”

“Yeah.” And Bette did. That loss, and all the losses the two of them had suffered recently. She could understand, fully and painfully.

“Can I get you a drink? Snack? Something?”

Tina shrugged. She indicated the bed. “Can you sit with me?”

Unable to fully contain either her surprise or her joy, Bette’s eyes widened at the request. She went around to the far side of the bed and, propping up a pillow, sat with her back against it.

Tina lay back on her left side, her back to Bette. “I’m going to lie down again, if you don’t mind.”

“Comfortable?” Bette asked.

“It’s relative,” Tina explained. “But this is about the best.”

While Bette was sorry that she could no longer see Tina’s face, she did have to admit that Alice’s bed was more comfortable than the floor. And there Tina was, so close that Bette could touch her. If only she wasn’t so afraid.

Again she heard the breathing drop to a gentle rhythm as Tina went back to sleep.

All Bette could think of was forever. Even if she didn’t exactly now how, she might achieve this, the fact that it could happen, that was enough. She now knew it was possible. Again.

(the end)