4 weeks earlier…


I wanted to keep her a secret for as long as I could but with the constant intrusion of friends always wanting to know my every move, it was getting harder and harder. And if it werent my friends asking all kinds of questions concerning my whereabouts, it was my family. I love Mom(Tina) to death, would kill for her, but she was beginning to get on my nerves with where were you and where are you going? Of course I used my friends for the cover because shed never called them to confirm anything. She trusted me. My mother, on the other hand…

Ive never given her reason not to trust me but she didnt anyway. She didnt like my friends so I knew she wouldnt approve of Lindsey. Probably citing her as a bad influence, as she did my crew. Which would lead into another argument with Tina. You see, Tina never agreed with my mother about a lot of things. The one thing they ever did agree on was to disagree. And left it at that. But I wanted Tina to like Lindsey. I respected her opinion and not to mention it would mean sooner or later my mother would come around. Or so I could hope. My mother and I almost never agreed on anything. But then again mothers and daughters rarely did. The two of us lived up to that tradition.


*****

I didnt want to be there. At home. Too much silence during the day and nothing but anguished cries at night. Tinas piercing cries hurt my heart more than my ears. My mother tried to quiet her, comfort her but she wasnt enough. Tina wanted to baby. Nicholas Evan Porter-Kennard, my brother. She carried around a stuffed bunny dressed in what was to be one of his coming home outfits. Either hitched up on her shoulder or cradled in her arms, that bunny never left her sight. My mother tried to pack it away with the rest of his things but Tina threw a huge tantrum. My mother let her keep it. Everything else went into a box and was stored away in the garage.

Evan, do me a favor, put this in the garage. I dont want Tina to see anything of his, she instructed.

Not once had she referred to the baby by his name. She barely referred to the baby as a him. It. My mother called my baby brother, it. I had let it slide until then.

His name was Nicholas, I said quietly, barely above a whisper.
What?

She turned to face me again.

His name was Nicholas.
I know what his name is, was. I gave it to him.
Then why dont you ever use it?
I do use it.
When? Its either him or it. How can you dismiss him so easily?

Without giving her a chance to reply, I walked away. To the garage to hide away his existence.

*****

4 weeks earlier…

So, I was thinking…maybe we could hang out this weekend instead of waiting to see each other in school.

I had been looking at her, staring actually. I couldnt get enough of her. But when she suggested that we go out together, I couldnt look at her at all. It was like I couldnt trust myself with her.

Unless youre busy, she said noticing my sudden mood change.
Im not busy. At least I dont think Im busy this weekend.
You dont think?
I know I dont have anything planned. But my parents might have something planned for me.
Planned something for you, they do that often?
Yeah, my mother does that sometimes.
Well, if she doesnt …, she said taking hold of my hand, maybe we could hook up.
Even if she does, Ill blow it off, I replied looking down at our fingers intertwined.
Dont get in trouble for me or anything.
Id do anything for you,” I admitted a bit to quickly.
Dont say that… not yet. We dont have to rush anything. I dont want to rush anything,” she emphasized.

We sat quietly listening to our breaths mingling with the already existing air. Me, realizing how much insync our breathing had become, she caressing my hand ,increasing the warmth between us. A few kids came running down the stairs but stopped when they saw us. I pulled my hand back, away from Lindseys lap and stood up. I couldnt tell if they saw us holding hands but I didnt want them to see us holding hands.

Excuse us, the only boy part of the clique said.

Him and the two girls walked past. One of them glanced back and smiled.

I guess the stairwell isnt ours anymore, Lindsey said to the sound of more students thundering down the steps.
Yeah, I guess not, I absently agreed looking at the now empty way in front of us, where the three kids past.
Dont worry. They didnt see me holding your hand, Lindsey huffed opening the thick doors to the passageway to the classrooms.

She walked away.

Lindsey, wait!.

I ran behind her trying to get her attention.

Lindsey, wait!
I gotta get my things from english, she continued walking.
Please, can you stop for a second?

She stopped.

Why are you running away? I asked.
Me? Running? Im not running anywhere. Youre the one running.

Now Im confused, I thought.

My confusion must have shown on my face because her next question was mine.

You have no idea what Im talking about, do you?
No.
Evan, Im not running anywhere. Its you that always seem to be ready to run. You dont talk to me unless were alone.
Im talking to you now, arent I?
In a crowded hallway, where no one is paying attention to us. In a high school hallway where the student body is to caught up in their own drama. Okay maybe a few kids with their ears extended trying to hear us but I dont care. I dont care, she said again.

I understood what she was saying but she didnt seem to get it. Or me.

But I do, I whispered leaning in and then shifted my eyes side to side to see if anyone was looking.
Why consume yourself with what these people think?

She stepped closer and I stepped back. She was asking for something I wasnt ready to give.

Please, not now. I cant do this now, I pleaded closing my eyes.

I couldnt bare to look at her disappointment.

Fine, she sighed.

I was afraid to open my eyes, to watch her leave but I didnt have to. I felt her warmth leave me.

*****

I had awaken that morning with the intent of bringing Tina out of her funk. Or at least pull a few clouds away to let a little sunshine in her world. I had decided to cook breakfast. Her favorite…blueberry waffles. Now I dont know what it is about these waffles that leaves everyone raving about how good they are because to me that taste okay. I dont even have a special recipe or anything. But they always push away from the table happy. And thats was the result I was hoping for from Tina, a smile on her face.

I was mixing up the wheat flour and egg yolks when my mother shuffled into the kitchen. Her crown of hair sticking up in all directions while she tried to cover a huge yawn with her hand.

What are you doing up this early?she asked behind her third yawn.
Fixing breakfast.
Waffles?
Yup.
For Tina?
Yup, I answered again.

She stood watching me mix the ingredients and then hugged me.

Thats sweet, baby.

I smiled.

Can I have one?

I knew that was coming.

Of course,” I smiled.
Is there coffee?
Of course.”
Should I wake her up now?
No. Wait until Im done.
Okay, she said walking away.

She retrieved the morning paper from the porch and sat a the kitchen table drinking her coffee. Thirty minutes later, I had eight blueberry waffles made and ready to be eaten by the Porter-Kennard women.

Momma, I called.
Hmm?
Im finished.

She looked up from the paper and saw me holding a plate of waffles.

Okay, um, Ill get the tray and uh, here put the plate together with these plates.

She pulled out two more plates and sat them on top of each other. Then she fetched the wooden bed tray and wiped it off. I stood waiting for her next instructions.

Okay, Ill carry this and you get the coffee.

I nodded and grabbed two fresh cups.

But what about your cup? I cant carry three cups.
Leave it. Ill get it later.
Okay.
Ready?”
Yeah.

She led the way and then stepped aside to let me wake Tina.

Mom, I called softly.

I said the name once knowing that she would respond.

Yeah, she moaned.

Tina turned over slowly opening her eys. I smiled my biggest smile hoping that it would bring one to her face.

Hey.

It did.

I made you breakfast.
Blueberry waffles, she inhaled.

*****