Lost – part 11

Bette and Tina lay in one anothers arms for another half hour or so, deliberately content simply to be together. They both had questions to ask and answers to give, but knew they needed the strength of this unity before they confronted the issues that had nearly torn them asunder.

Bette soon reached the limit of her patience, however, and began to grow restless. She could not quiet the thoughts racing around in her mind. She slowly turned once again, trying to gauge Tinas receptiveness to engaging in conversation. What she found made her heart melt: Tina had relaxed into sleep, a tiny smile gracing her lips. Gently tucking a piece of hair behind Tinas ear, Bette filled her heart with the sight of her wife finally at peace.

Still unable to settle her thoughts, Bette slid out from under the covers and retrieved her laptop. Perhaps if she wrote down the jumble of emotions and questions running through her head, she would feel better. It certainly cant hurt, Bette thought with a silent chuckle.

Journal Entry #2:

Tina came home to me! I felt so lost and alone last night, and now I feel reborn. I woke this morning in Tinas arms, and all is right with the world. She came back to me! She loves me

Tina loves me. What a responsibility that places on me. I dont think I ever really realized that being the recipient of love was a responsibility. But now I have this feeling of stewardship over Tinas love for me. She has given me her heart, and like the proverbial vintner, I must take care to nourish and tend and protect what has been placed in my care. How careless I have been up to now! It is only slowly dawning on me how poorly I have managed my stewardship, and how close I have come to losing the privilege of watching over this precious gift of love.

Why did she come home? Why does she look at me with love in her eyes, when all I deserve to see is loathing and hurt? Where has she been all this time? What has changed?

Change Have I changed enough? Can I change enough? I am so scared that I will wake up from this sweet dream and discover that my real life is a nightmare, one without Tina. If I do everything right, can I keep on dreaming?

She is so incredibly beautiful, my Tina. Inside and out. I have always been so proud to be with her, to know that she chose me to be her partner”forever. Ever since I first met her, I havent wanted anybody but her. Sometimes, especially today, I marvel that I get to even be around her. I take delight in just watching her, soaking in her presence, feeling the beauty of her soul. I often think that I would be content simply to follow her around like a puppy dog, wanting nothing more than to make her smile. I am such a sap, I know, but Im a lucky sap.

Does her return mean that she trusts me? That she accepts my apologies and explanations? That we are okay? It cant be that easy; life is never that easy. What if she has really come to leave me? No, get a grip on yourself, Bette, she promised this morning that she wouldnt leave you. Believe in that promise.

____________

Having found some small peace in translating her emotions and thoughts into words, Bette set the computer aside. She watched the steady rise and fall of Tinas chest as she slept, grateful to be able to witness such a simple aspect of Tinas life. She couldnt count all the mornings she had risen before Tina and found herself passing time just watching her love breathe. It always filled her heart with tenderness and sometimes, as now, brought tears to her eyes.

Bette could stand the separation no longer, and swiftly crossed the five feet between her chair and the bed. Gently gathering Tina into her arms, Bette whispered into her ear, T, I love you so much. So very much. I want to be close to you. Will you let me hold you, be near you, feel you against me? Please?

Tina began to wake at the feel of Bettes arms around her, and was able to comprehend the last part of Bettes request. Her mind questioned the wisdom of escalating their intimacy so soon, but her heart and her body yearned for the comfort of Bettes touch. She answered Bettes plea with a kiss that soon grew impassioned. Pulling away slightly, she murmured against Bettes cheek, Yes, baby. I want to feel you against me, too.

Bette gently helped Tina out of her remaining underwear, and then divested herself of her pajamas. Ever so gratefully, she lay back down next to Tina, reveling in the feel of her wifes skin against her own. Nothing else in the world felt quite socomforting, as the touch of Tinas skin against her own nakedness. Neither woman seemed to want to progress to further intimacy, so they simply relaxed into a tender embrace, renewing their connection and nourishing their souls.