Shane stood there, no longer hearing the loud music pulsing around her or seeing the swarm of bodies moving in the club. She didnt feel the hot tears streaming down her face or the tremble that took over her body. Her head was spinning trying to process what just happened, how she opened up to the person she loved, believing all the things that Carmen had said to her before. Remembered how her heart sank when she walked away like it was a year ago instead of a minute. Shane felt something inside snap and a wave of pain crashed thru her. How could she have been so stupid to think there was a chance Carmen loved her. Shane saw herself on Mark’s tapes, how fucked up she was. Knew deep down inside she was someone impossible to love so why did she convince her self Carmen was different. That she cared. It was pathetic. She was pathetic. *****, she would have walked away from herself if she could. Carmen deserved someone better, stronger who could treat her right and not be such a ***** up.

The flicker of the strobe-light brought her back to herself, completely aware that she was standing in the same spot, crying like a whiny *****. She bolted to the bathroom and started splashing cold water on her face. Breathing a deep sigh and trying to get her ***** together Shane became aware of a rage feeding on the pain eating at her heart. Why the ***** did people always take what they wanted from her and leave. She wasnt some ***** toy for someone to play with and break. All her life that was how it was, she was never good enough and why she didnt know. It wasnt like she didnt try. She did everything she could to be what everyone else wanted. What about what she needed huh? Was it too ***** much to ask to be treated like a human for once not some goddamn thing?

Shane glared at herself in the mirror hands gripping the side of the sink and rocking back slightly on her heels. Who the ***** was Carmen anyway? She knew that Shane was hurting before. She had to and if she was so damned concerned about her, wanting to know all the details of Shanes fucked up existance then why did she walk away like that? Did she not think that would hurt more then anything in the world? Did Carmen not think about when she had the black eye and that little talk they had? Or the one that Mark had captured on film for Jenny to find, when Shane said a relationship would kill her.

Before she knew what she was doing Shane felt her fist smash thru the mirror, shards of glass tearing into her flesh. “*****!” Blood was dripping all over the sink and to the floor as she brought her shaking hand close to her face to examine it. Cuts were everywhere, some deeper then others, the glass trapped inside glittering. Shane sighed, tried to straighten her hand and found she couldnt. To top that off now shed have to re-hash the evening to Kit and try to do something about the mirror. “Whats seven more years of bad luck” The half-hearted chuckle that followed was joined by a tear falling down her left cheek.

Shane jumped when she heard the door open behind her. Turning around she found Carmen standing there, looking shocked. Her eyes went from Shane’s face, to the mirror, then to the mess that currently was a hand.

“Shane what? Are you okay? Come here.”

Shane pulled violently away when Carmen reached for her, looking her straight in the eye while her body shook with hurt and anger.

“***** off Carmen, like you give a *****.”
“Wait Shane I’m sorry lemme explain.”

“WHAT!” Shane threw both hands down to her side, slinging blood on the wall. “WHAT THE ***** MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME YOU LYING *****?”

“Shane-”
Carmen was cut off when Shane grabbed her arm with her good hand, bringing their faces closer together. “You said you cared, that we were the real deal. So I let you in the fool that I am. I believed you Carmen. Everything you said. You had to push your way into my heart didnt you dammit. I let myself love you. There, you got what you want. Now do what you just did and walk away. Or did you want something else?”

Tears were streaming down Shane’s face as Carmen just stared into her eyes. How could she tell Shane she didnt mean to hurt her like that. But she choked, she got scared. and she did she walked, and this is what

happened. Shane tapped her foot, waiting for a reply and Carmen couldnt speak. How do you tell someone whos heart you just broke you loved them and you were sorry, that you were scared. Someone who was so fragile to begin with and you just damaged them even more.

“No answer? Come on Carmen you always have something to say. Wait I know, you want this right?” Shane pushed her lips to Carmens roughly, tongue pushing its way into hers. Carmen pulled away from the kiss and stared at Shane with tears in her eyes.

“Thats not what i want Shane. Im sorry, so ***** sorry. I just, the thing with Jenny.. and then Mark with the tapes. I didnt expect this from you baby. I choked, ran like a coward. I was scared cuz i couldnt take it if i hurt you okay?”

Shanes face fell as she turned away. She went to the sink again and washed her hand as gently as possible, swearing under her breath. Carmen came up behind her and a hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry baby. I’m glad you opened up. Because I love you too.”

“I gotta find Kit and get somewhere so this hand can get dealt with.” She glanced at Carmen. “You think i wasnt scared? I was scared shitless. As for hurting me, your not the first to do it. Someone always does”