As I sit in the tub pouring water over my head I now know that all my dreams are a reality. It all happened and I can’t help but feel so sickened by it. All those men gang raping me at ten years old. God I can’t control anything in my life anymore. It is so fucked up. I thought I could keep my secret locked away but it is back to haunt me and I can’t do anything about it. I can’t make this pain go away. I need for it to disappear and leave my life but I know that won’t happen. As the tears slide down my face I get out of the tub and walk over to the medicine cabinet. I grab a compact and open it. Inside I have hidden a razor blade. I slowly take it out and slide my body down to the floor. I know I can’t control what happened to me but I can control this. I begin to slash my leg not feeling any pain at all. A slash for each man who raped me, a slash for each man who touched me in the wrong way,a slash for my lost childhood. Slash after slash I continue to mutilate my body knowing that this is something I can control. I am lost in myself. In a dark place that I can’t seem to get out of. I feel a hand on mine taking the razor blade away. It’s Shane and she slowly puts a towel on my leg and that’s when I really let all the tears come. They won’t stop. Years of tears for the little girl still trapped in my body not wanting to leave. Shane rocks me and tells that she is going to help me. But can I be helped or am I so far lost that there is nothing that anyone can do to get me out of my black abyss. Shane tells me that Tina has had her baby. Amazing isn’t it. For every worthless life a beautiful new one enters the world. My life may be to far gone but Tina’s baby will have all the love I never had and she will forever be protected by all those who love her. Maybe I will be one of those people if I can get some help.

To be continued.