“Jessica, you are going.”

I’m sure it was against her wishes, but I followed to her room, standing at the door that had so recently been slammed shut. I hate the sound of slamming doors.

“Jess.” Not that she doesn’t know I’m here, but out of courtesy, I knock before entering. Jess is at her drama queen best, lying on her back on the bed, her head buried beneath a pillow.

If she thinks I’m giving up quite so easily, she’s got something else coming. I take a seat on the bed next to her and start leafing through a book that’s on the bookstand. S.E. Hinton’s ‘The Outsiders.’ I liked this one as a teen.

“Am I ever going to get privacy?” Jess moaned.

She lives. “Sure, when you have your name on a lease.”

Another moan lets me know that she heard me.

“Mom,” her voice is muffled through the pillow. “Mom, I told you I’m going to Jeri’s.”

“And I told you that unless I heard from Jeri’s mom that there will be adults there, you are not.”

The moaning at this point makes her ‘pain’ almost comical, but I dare not laugh at her lest she catch me. Nothing worse than when I fail to give her angst its due.

“I can’t believe you want me to crash your date.”

Is that all she thinks this is? “Jess, this is a family dinner. You are my family.”

“Then why will she be there?”

Not that I’d ever seriously consider strangling the kid with a pillow, but I must admit, she has, lately, been giving me a run for my money. “Jess, give her a chance. You liked her when you first met her.”

They hit it off so well, in fact, I couldn’t help but be jealous. Well, perhaps it could be helped, but it didn’t seem fair at the time.

Now that I’ve had time to think more about it, I realize that none of this is fair. Was it fair to Jess that she grew up never knowing Bette?

So many decisions were made at a time that was the lowest point for each of us. While those decisions, naturally, included Jess, I’m not sure that they were always made to her benefit.

I felt so abandoned by Bette; I guess I thought if she left me that should leave her out of her daughter’s life, too. And it did, until Jess unknowingly started all of this.

Now. Now I wonder how much of this we did to hurt each other. Was holding on to our hurts, our pain, our blame against each other more important than her?

I could drive myself crazy with such thoughts, because they also mean that I’ve failed her. That I couldn’t be enough for her, and I can’t think that. Despite her pique from time to time, I think the two of us have done well for ourselves. True, I’ve benefited from friends, friends that were once both Bette’s and mine, primarily, but friends who’ve acted as they would have even if Bette and I had remained together.

It’s so hard to second guess myself on things that can never be changed. Why do I do this to myself?

I lay on my side, facing pillow girl. We’ll see who can hold out longer.

Actually, it’s not really a contest. She can.

At times like this I think she got the worst traits from Bette and me. And while I know it’s fairly unlikely that any behaviors really come from Bette, the fact that she has them, and the fact that they’re like Bette’s are one of those things that I’ve noticed over the years, one of the things that made me feel that with Jess I’ve always kept contact with Bette. So, from me, she has problem avoidance. From Bette, stubbornness, among other things.

Karma really can be a *****.

“Why does she want us now, anyway?”

I note the ‘us’, and take that as a positive sign. At least Jess is not realizing that Bette’s interest is in more than just me. “Maybe she’s ready now.”

“So I wasn’t good enough before?”

Back to the personalization. This is where the shaky ground comes in.

Parenting should be easy, but so much of it is gut instinct, it’s a constant questioning of whether or not I did the right thing. Some decisions are quite easy, like making sure a friend’s party has chaperones. Other decisions, like my own questions about Bette. Those are more difficult.

“Jess, I wish I could explain this all to you.”

“But I’m too stupid. That’s what you’re saying.”

I lifted up the edge of the pillow so I could see her face, and so she could see me. “No. What I’m saying is that there were things that went on between Bette and me that were private.”

A hand pulls the pillow back over her face. “That’s the nice way of not telling me I’m too stupid.”

“No, it’s the nice way of not telling you that your mother and Bette had to make some tough decisions based on who we were at the time.”

“Like deciding who got me.”

As if that was ever a choice. during the time that Bette and I reunited after Jess’s birth we had so much going on that we never worked towards Bette’s adoption of Jess. When things all came apart again, well, it’s not something I’m necessarily proud of, but that was an issue I wouldn’t put up for negotiation. Jess was mine, and she wasn’t going anywhere without me. “Jess.”

“Geez, did either of you want me? Did you just take me by default?”

“Jess.” Now we’ve wandered into the land of self-pity. “Hey.” I gave her a nudge. “Have you ever before thought that I didn’t want you.”

No direct answer, but I think I saw the pillow shake its head.

I put my hand over hers, and feel her give me a squeeze. “I know it’s a lot to deal with, sweetie. But give us all a chance, ok?”

Back to no response. But at least there was no negative response.

Perhaps a little bit of distraction. “So, what’s up with you and Luis. I haven’t heard about him in a few days.”

“We broke up.”

“Jess?” I lift the pillow again and she turns to face me, the emotions churned by this discussion evident on her face.

“We broke up,” she repeats.

My little girl going through her heartbreaks. I wish I could make this, not just Luis, but all of this, easier on her. “I’m so sorry sweetie.”

“Thanks.”

“Do you want to talk about it.”

A shrug. A shrug beat a no. And she hasn’t pulled the pillow back down.

It’s almost like when we’d build forts, when she was a girl. But I resist the urge to smile at this memory. Again, she wouldn’t understand.

“You know you can always talk to me about how you’re feeling, right?”

“I don’t have anything to talk about,” she says quietly.

“About Luis?”

She nods in agreement.

I tred lightly on for the next question. “And Bette?”

She certainly has something to say, the way she screws her face up, even if she’s not ready to tell me what she’s thinking.

“Honey, you’ll feel better if you talk to someone.”

“But”

That’s my opening. Now I’ve just got to wait for her to complete her thought. This is like the moment in hunting, where you know that the prey is almost yours, but one false move could ruin everything. I realize that I’m actually holding my breath.

“But what if”

Ok, progress. Take a breath – but not a deep one.

“But what if she does only want you?”

Okay, we’re back to this thought.

“Jess, sweetie, you know I love you.” She doesn’t respond, but she doesn’t look away, either. “Anything that happens will only happen if it’s the best thing for all of us. Okay?”

A tiny nod. Progress.

Now I smile, but it’s a reassuring smile. She needs to know that I’ve heard her, and that I understand what she’s telling me.

“But what if you only want her?”

Jess. Jess. Jess.

This is going to be a long night.

(tbc)