When the doorbell rang for the second time I figured I should get it. I would have thought Jess would have answered the door, but sometimes she sits back in her room listening to music and hears absolutely nothing of the outside world.

Plus, when someone is so insistent on ringing this late in the evening, odds are good that they’re not going to go away quickly.

I turned on the porch light and, glancing outside, a saw Bette standing, waiting.

Okay, is this an effort to break down my defenses or what? Of course, to find out, I had to answer the door.

“T,” she says quietly as she enters.

A part of me just wants to pull her into a hug, and hold her body against me. My brain screams that this is not a good idea.

“It’s late.” I step back from the door and let her enter.

“I thought you might be asleep.”

“No.” I didn’t want to tell her that I’ve been on the phone to Alice, discussing many things, including my fears about letting the woman now standing before me into my life.

“Would you like something to drink?” I lead Bette towards the kitchen.

She shakes her head no. I pour a glass of water for myself.

Bette has seated herself at the table. I join her. “So”

She just looks at me for a second, silent.

Once again, I find myself unsure of exactly what Bette wants from me. What does she want now? How does she want to be a part of the family? Dare I ask these questions, though? After all, I might get the answers.

“I thought maybe we could talk a little.”

And you didn’t think this while we were in the restaurant? Didn’t, perhaps set a time to talk. Why does she just burst in any time she feels like it? Perhaps I was once the woman that she easily led and controlled, but that’s no longer me. “About?”

“Me,” she starts.

A soliloquy for and by Bette Porter?

“And us,” she continues.

Is there an ‘us’, Bette? Should there be an ‘us’? While I can’t deny my physical attraction, is that enough?

I hold silent, and wait for her to continue.

“I’d been thinking, a lot, about us, our past, what went wrong.”

As she spoke I was able to look closely at Bette’s face. Noticing, possibly for the first time, the fine lines that betrayed her true age. Not that these mattered to me. She was, and would always be, beautiful in my eyes.

“Then Jess showed up. And I realized just how much I’d missed.”

At these words I stiffened. Surely she wasn’t going to blame me for this.

“How much I let myself, miss,” she continued. Her eyes were cast downward. Her hands were clenched together, tightly.

We sat together in silence for a moment.

“Is it too late for us, T? I’m not the woman I was then, but I know you’ve changed, also.” When she looked up at me, her eyes shone with unshed tears. “I’m seeing all sorts of great things in you, strength that I know you’ve always had. But somehow, I’d forgotten.”

A part of me can’t help but wonder if this is just flattery. Have I become that callous? That guarded. I suppose when it comes to Bette I have.

“I don’t know.”

At that point I realized that I’d put my hand on top of hers. I should have realized it when I felt the spark, the familiar surge that always came from touching Bette. No matter how much she hurt me or how fresh those hurts were, the physical attraction had always remained.

Her one hand grabbed mine. With the other, she reached out and stroke my cheek.

My eyes closed and I savored the feeling. No one had ever touched me, physically, intimately, in the way that Bette had. And I’ve known for a long time that no one ever would. I’d come to believe it was a feeling that I would never again experience.

These thoughts were broken when I realized that Bette’s lips were on mine. She was kissing me. For a moment, I kissed her back.

And then I remembered what I’ve been promising myself. If this is going to work, it has to be based on so much more than the physical.

I pulled back quickly. The look on Bette’s face was one of surprise. “I can’t,” I whispered. “Not yet.”

She appeared disappointed, but didn’t disagree. Instead she gave my hand a squeeze and then let it go. My hand instantly felt cold, where moments before it was surrounded by warmth.

Giving us each a moment, she stood and looked around the living room. Where the walls were once covered with Bette’s favorites as well as emerging artists, the walls now primarily contained pictures. Mostly of Jess, but some of me and of family friends.

I watched Bette as she studied the shots, wondering what she saw. The artistic merit of the composition, or the people within?

She was smiling. I don’t know if she realized that, but as she looked at the various pictures, there was a clear smile growing on her face.

Somehow, I knew whatever else, that she really did care for Jess. Yet another reason for me to question my decision of keeping her from Jess’s life. Then again, it was a decision based on Bette’s actions as much as on my own.

Perhaps she’s really not the same woman. Are any of us ever the same? Even from moment to moment, day to day?

Personally I hope that each of us have, at least, learned something.

“How is Jess doing this evening?” Bette’s words brought me back to the present.

“She’s been sequestered in her room.”

“Would you might if I said good night?” Bette had a look of trepidation that I rarely remember having seen. “I want to make sure she knows that things are all right between us.”

“I can check, but I can’t promise.”

She nodded.

At Jess’s room I gave a light tap on the door. No answer. But if she’s got the headphones on, that’s not unusual.

Opening the door and turning on the light, I saw that it was empty.

On the bed, she’d left a note in her bear’s paws. It only confirmed what I expected. I could feel the anger rising.

I marched back to the living room, grabbing my keys and my purse. “She’s not here?”

“What?”

“She’s gone to a friend’s.” I took in a deep breath and released it, trying to keep my anger in check. “Something I specifically forbid her from doing.”

Bette put her hand on my shoulder. I hope she can’t feel my shaking. “Would you like me to drive you?”

“Could you wait here, just in case she calls, or comes back?”

“Of course.”

I gave Bette a small smile, and found myself grateful for her presence.

“I’m sure she’ll be okay, T.”

While I understood the sentiment behind Bette’s words, I knew nothing but seeing Jess would really allay my fears. “I hope so,” I answered. But if she is, I’m going to kill her.

(tbc)