If youd asked me last week, Id have girlishly confessed that I could never get enough of watching Shane sleep. Wrong. Now its just maddening. I sit there for hours, long after the last legitimate visitors have left. She is spent, not just from the drugs and the effort of healing her body, but from crying over Cherie. I stay until I cant stand it any more, then slip out, just before midnight.
The next day, when I return, she isnt there. They tell me that shes back in a regular room. I knock quietly and peer in. There are flowers in the room, a huge bouquet, probably from the gang at the Planet. There are also several other smaller ones. Im curious about who sent them but I dont read the cards.
She is sleeping quietly despite the chaos of imminent shift change, the laughter and the rattle of carts just outside her door.
This room has a view of the hills. I go to the window and look out. The Santa Anas have been fierce and unexpected to me, hot and dry. I wonder if this is what the wind is like in my mothers country. If so maybe I’ve inherited my father’s tolerance for weather. Give me fog and rain over this exhausting, dessicating wind any day.
D?
I turn around. Her eyes are bright and fairly lucid, given the meds dripping into her veins.
Hey, Hottie.
Dont you have to work today?
Im going down in a few minutes.
Oh.
How you feeling?
She sniffles, shakes her head. Hate these drugs. I wish theyd stop giving me so much.
Have you told this to the doctor?
Im asleep every time they come.
Ill see what I can do.
Thanks.”
“Sure.” I smile slightly. I’m not sure why I feel so uncomfortable around her today.
“How is everybody?
Everybodys good, I smile.
How about your mom and Navi?
Theyre good, I say, clearing some newspapers off a chair and sitting
down. My moms worried about you.
Jeez. She closes her eyes. Whyd you tell her?
I dont have an answer for that. I told my mom because I needed her comfort. But I dont want to lay that on her.
Hey, is there anyone you want me to call? Family, I think, but I dont say it.
Nope. I talked to John at Lather today. He says I can come back when Im ready.
Thats awesome.
Yeah.
Youre awfully popular. I look around at all the flowers.
Yeah, Im shocked. Those are from everybody at the Planet, and those are from Lather, and those are from this former client of mine.
Thats great. Theyre beautiful. I really love this larkspur. I gingerly touch a purple stalk, then withdraw my hand.
Well, um, Ive gotta go to work Its my first day back.
Youve been missing work… because of me? I can tell that it’s just now dawning on her that I’ve meen devoting everything to her. Probably because I’ve been wearing scrubs every day I’ve been here, and she was too drugged up to know the difference.
Yeah. I was worried. It feels like a justification, an apology. It shouldn’t.
You shouldnt have done that. Your jobs important.
Youre important.
I look down, chastised. I think Im actually blushing. Yeah, well, I was worried. Get over it. Look, Id better get going. Is there anything you need?
When she doesnt answer I look up.
D? Her eyes are soft and Im drawn to her, moth to a flame. Likely gonna get my wings crisped again.
Yeah?
Thanks.
Okay… for what?
For being here. For everything. For saving my life.
I didnt save your life. All I did was stand there and scream for Darrell. But she doesnt need to know that.
You helped. I mean it. She nods at me, to show shes serious. She waits until I nod an acknowledgement in return, then she closes her eyes.
I take her good hand, raise it to my lips. Her eyes open softly, watch me. Youre crashing, Im gonna go.
Okay, she says, looking at me, seeming to want something.
On impulse, I bend down and kiss her lips. We kiss softly, sweetly, her mouth parting in surprise and never bothering to close to me.
I havent given her a proper kiss in days, and desire leaps out violently to the forefront of my psyche to battle with emotion and restraint.
She tastes minty like the hospital toothpaste, and she reaches up with her good hand to tangle in my hair. The way she pulls me close feels like a declaration of undying love would feel from someone else, and I am dizzy with the sweetness of it. Being needed. Being wanted. Its holy.
I draw back and wish she cant see the emotion written on my face. She watches me with open eyes, but doesnt say anything. I almost think she wants to say something but she doesnt so I dont either.
Im stuck at an impasse. So I borrow a page from her book and lean down to kiss her again, and she yields to me. I wonder how far she would let me go…
I pull back, and feel the tension of her pulling my hair close to her. She doesnt want me to leave. I dont want to leave. I dont want to continue keeping myself from telling her that I love her.
But I do. And instead of saying the words, or entering into another round of kisses that would lose me totally, I nuzzle my forehead to hers, and whisper. Youre so beautiful.
You too, she whispers.
She seems like she is offering everything up to me with her eyes, the way they look at me, just watch as I waver on the sharp edge of kissing her again.
Rest, I say, stroking back her soft hair, and it is a fraction of all the things I want to say: Live, be beautiful and happy and alive, and never ever again give me a scare like that, because all that matters to me is that you are alive and safe, and maybe orbiting in the same space as me, sometimes, just a little.
But all I say is rest.
Okay. She nods like a child and I kiss her one last time, but only on the forehead.
.
I come in later that week and see Shane sitting with a woman. The woman is doing some paperwork.
“Hey, D,” Shane says. She has a quiet, upset quality in her eyes.
“Hi.” The woman looks familiar. She works here. I see her in the parking garage sometimes when I’m getting in.
“Hi, I’m Rose Danfield, social worker.”
“Oh, hello. I thought you looked familiar. Um, I can come back in a while.”
“Not necessary, we’re almost finished.”
“Actually, that would be good,” Shane says. Something is up here.
“No problem. I’ll check in on you in my lunch break, around eight.”
“Nice meeting you,” Rose calls.
“Likewise.”
It shouldn’t hurt, but it does. What are they doing?
.
When I come back around dinner time, I bring some of the peanut butter cookies that Shane likes. I knock gingerly on the doorjamb, hovering in the door, not wanting to intrude.
“C’min,” she says, and when my eyes adjust I see that she is sitting in the dark, by the window. What is she thinking?
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“You feel like company?”
“I dunno.” I can see her profile as she turns away, strong jaw, pillowy lips, messy hair.
I hand her the cookies. It takes a second, but she looks at me, then at the white napkin. “Did you bring me PB cookies?”
“Yeah.”
“You didn’t have to.” It makes me feel like I’ve overstepped some horrible boundary and I suppose it shows on my face, because at that second she smiles and relief breaks over me like a wave. “You’re so sweet,” she says, and unwraps the napkin. Her eyes soften and she smiles.
“Thats me. Sweet. How’re you feeling today?” That’s it, keep it general. God, I feel like I’m navigating a land mine.
She smiles and bites into a cookie. “Hmm. These are so good. Um, I feel like *****, actually.”
Mentally or physically, I want to ask, but don’t. “Have you heard from the D.A.?”
“No. Rose thinks I should file a civil suit, though.”
“I think that’s an excellent idea. Let the ***** pay your missed wages.”
“I hate taking things from people.” Suddenly I understand about the cookies.
“I know. Me too. But think of what he took from you.” I’m not sure how long she’ll require PT.
Things are easier here in the dark. We both look out the window, the high winds in the palm trees and lights spread out before us.
“I don’t think I have a choice.”
“Well, what do you wanna do?”
“I want to sue him, but I feel so bad. He lost his wife…”
“Think of this, though, Hottie. The amount of money it would take him to reimburse you for your missed income wouldn’t be a drop in his bucket. He’s worth millions.”
“Yeah, that’s true,” she murmurs.
“You want me to call you a lawyer?”
“No. No, Rose gave me a number for legal aid.” Was that what they were working on? Legal stuff?
“Good,” I say. Keep it light. Problem is, I have no clue what to say to her. She swallows the first cookie, then takes a huge bite out of the second. We’re quiet for a minute.
“Jenny needs to find another roommate,” she says, out of the blue.
“Oh, man, did she say that?”
“No, but I know. She doesn’t make much.”
“Right.” I’m quiet. The words I want to say are natural as breathing, but I don’t dare utter them. She needs her autonomy. I want so much to pay the rent for her, nothing would make me happier, but I know she won’t feel that way.
Instead I say “you can crash at my place.”
“I can’t do that, D.”
“Okay. But if it were me, would you offer me the same thing?”
“But it’s not you. It’s me, and I fucked this up, I have to deal with it.”
“You didn’t shoot yourself. Yeah, so you were ***** around with a married woman, but that was a year and a half ago, and it was over. You didn’t deserve to have him try to kill you.”
Shes quiet for a minute. She pulls her knees in to her chest, moving gingerly, and clasps her arms around them. This must hurt, because she winces, and drops her arm.
“What do you want?” she says.
Huh?
“What do you mean, what do I want? In terms of what?”
“Do you want me to stay with you?”
“Sure. Or I’ll gladly pay your rent. Look, I dont really care. What I really want is for you to not stress over this, because you need to focus all your energies on getting better, and stress will ***** with your immune system.”
“I’m not letting you pay my rent.”
“You can pay me back, whatever. I just got a big bonus,” I lie, “so it’s nothing.”
“I dunno, D.”
“Ok, well let me know what you want to do. I want you to remember this, though. I know you’re proud and I know you don’t like to take anything from people, but you’re my best friend and I love you, *****, we all love you, and every one of us knows that you’d do the same in a heartbeat, for any of us.”
“Yeah,” she says, and turns her face toward the window.
.
A week later when Im in the cafeteria someone taps my shoulder. I turn around to see the social worker who was with Shane, Rose.
“Hi. Good news, Shane’s medical benefits and cash assistance came through.”
“Cash assistance?”
“Yeah, her welfare.”
“That’s great. Um, why are you telling me this?” She really shouldn’t be telling me. It isn’t any of my business, and Shane wouldn’t want her to. Moreover, it’s a breach of confidentiality.
“Well, you’re her friend, right?”
“I’m her best friend. But you… Look, Shane’s a painfully proud person. She wouldn’t want you telling me this.”
“But she signed a release.”
“Even so. Look, I’m glad she’s getting some benefits, but she has a thing about handouts. It’s really hard for her. So just, please don’t tell her you told me this, okay?”
Okay, Rose nods. No problem.
.
One day I come in and shes smiling. The radiance of it is so shocking that I blink. Whats that smile for?
I just saw a neurologist. He said I should be able to have full use of my arm, with physical therapy.
The shocking smile is contagious. Thats ***** great, I grin.
I know… I cant tell you how relieved I am.
Me too. I know youve missed work.
Yeah. Problem is, the PT could take months. Its gonna be a lot of work. But… if, its still okay, Id like to take you up on your offer.
Which one?
To crash with you. If thats okay?”
Well, I sigh dramatically. “I just hired a house boy, but I guess if you must crash with me, I suppose I can give him the boot.
She raises an eyebrow at me, lips twisted into a cute look of non-amusement. ***** you.
Any time. Hey, itll be fun, like a big slumber party.
She rolls her eyes. Yeah. Slumber party. I wonder, is she looking forward to it as much as I am? Or fearing it as much as I am?