Have you ever felt so sad that you can feel your heart shatter into a million pieces and allow the pain to flow through every part of your body slowly drowning you. If not, think yourself lucky because ive felt like this ever since Dana the love of my life left me 6 months ago. She said she couldnt be with me anymore, that she loved me but couldnt stay with me she was bad for me and that i deserved better. Thats what she said and maybe on some level she believes its true, but i know she doesnt love me and i know i wasnt good enough for her.

You see to my friends im witty, confident and fun alice, always up for a laugh. I do well at keeping up this facade making the jokes, telling the tales you know how it is. I built my wall along time ago, having a mother like mine you learn to expect nothing from no-one. When my dad died i was 10 and i clung to my mother terrified she would leave me too. At first she stayed but then the call of fame, fortune and men pulled her away and i was left last in the line as her priorities shifted. At first i begged and pleaded for a bit of attention but nothing worked and i closed off, hid the pain and disappointment. It got better at college, then moving here and meeting my friends and Dana i let go a little, but the insecurities remained. Being with Dana was when i was most at ease with my-self. I trusted her completly and loved her dearly as a friend. Some where along the line friend love turned into some thing more and i was consumed with true unconditional love. Some times i wish i could pin point the exact time my feelings changed and erase them to save my-self from this pain and torture. I would still be quirky Alice and she would still be dorky Dana a duo not to be messed with. I allowed my insecurities to leak out when i was with Dana, the one part of me i kept hidden for 20yrs. I know i was clingy and needy, i could feel my-self doing it but i just couldnt stop, she was slipping away back to Lara. So like i done with my mother i begged for more affection. I became the pathetic girlfriend i used to make fun of. I hated myself for it but still i couldnt change and she had enough. For the first month i cried non stop until the tears run dry and was replaced with a desperate need to see her. Ive become a crazy ***** stalker, im drugged up, screwed up and my life is falling down arround me. Ive tried to get her out of my system but i cant even do that right. So now i sit here outside her window watching ***** they kiss and cuddle. I feel the tears fall freely down my face as they have done these past 6 months. I try to turn my head but my brain wont let me as this is my punishment for being stupid and pathetic enough to show my insecurities. My life has no point or meaning and the sooner my heart stops taking me with it the better for me, my friends and especially Dana.