Ive been blindly walking through the streets of west hollywood for over an hour now. My mind is still reeling from the conversation i heard at Bette and Tinas. If you had asked me 6 months ago what i most wanted to hear that conversation would have been it. That Dana was in love with me and couldnt just be my friend. She said she was my soulmate. I should be jumping around with excitment. No, i should be at Bette and Tinas kissing Dana until i cant breathe no longer, but im not. you see although i want Dana so badly the thought now scares me. When we were together I lost myself, i became someone i never want to see again. If i get back together with Dana im so afraid that i’ll let that person slip back again, Dana will leave me and i’ll be back to square one. Swallowing numerous pills, stalking Dana and just being an emotional mess. I just know i couldnt go through another 6 months like the last. To be honest i only got through these 6 months by the skin of my teeth. Countless times i sat with my pills spread out on the bedside cabinet beside a half empty bottle of vodka. It took all of my strength not to take the tablets and wash them down with the left over vodka. I know if i ever lost Dana again, i wouldnt have the power not to take them. When i was with Dana, she filled all of my senses, literally intoxicating me with herself. The only focus my mind had was to be with Dana, feel her, kiss her and love her. Nothing else mattered and i know with true love that shouldnt be the case. Yes you always want and think of the person, but you should also want time apart to do other things. I didnt and that was wrong. I need to be sure that if i get back with Dana i dont repeat the same mistakes and im not sure i can. My head feels like its ready to explode. I need someone who knows the situation and can help me make a decision. If i dont talk this through with someone other than my imagination im going to go crazy. Thats why i find myself knocking on the door of the person who knows this situation inside out and can help me like no other……… Helena.