Rescue Me, Chapter 20

The morning light broke slowly through the veil of darkness and crept into their room.  The lovers were entwined in each others arms, resting serenely after their night of love making.  Both slept with faint smiles on their faces bearing witness to the depth of the emotions they shared.  The songs of the crickets were now replaced with those of birds starting their industrious day.  Today would be one of leisure for the two lovers; there work week and all its drama now a distant memory.

Bette opened her eyes to find Tina securely entangled in her arms.  Her smile broadened as she remembered the events of the night before.  She lay quietly taking in the vision of beauty she held to her bosom.  How blessed she was to have this woman in her life.  She thought back to her last “relationship.”  That was over four years ago and it was painful to remember.  Bette had invested herself in a pairing that left her insecure and unwilling to trust.  She had given herself completely and offered unconditional love to Elle, only to have that love betrayed at every turn and be blamed for the demise thereof in the process.  She knew of the emotional instability of her lover, but she felt through her nurturing, Elle was getting better.  She did become more self-sufficient, but at the same time she became demanding, unreasonable and cruel.  Bette could handle everything but the cruelty.  It just wasn’t in her to be that way, so to be on the receiving end cut all the more deeply.

Bette took little solace in the facts of the matter, that those with borderline personality disorders can never be happy or provide happiness.   She understood the basics of the disease; that things were perceived in black or white; you are for me or against me; that borderlines tend to sabotage their own success just as they start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  It had it been an emotional roller coaster.  Initially Bette was flattered by the attention she was receiving, but that soon became almost an obsession, ‘Where are you?  What are you doing?  Who are you with?  I love you.  I hate you. You don’t love me.  If you loved me you would’  Bette got very little sleep for the three years the relationship endured.  When you live with someone who is haunted by an ever racing mind and who is an insomniac, well, you know what they say, ‘misery loves company.’  It was starting to affect her work.  It had impacted harshly on her relationships with her friends.  She was starting to dread having to explain the who, what, where and why of her day, everyday.  The arguments escalated as her lover became ever increasingly unreasonable.  She pushed and pushed but Bette remained steadfast in her love.  She knew it was the disease and not the true Elle.  She knew she was good and pure deep down inside.  Bette was sure she could excavate that person and help make her whole again.  Bette was wrong.  One day Elle just left.  Bette tried to give her some space, but the more she gave the further Elle ran.  Eventually, Bette was forced to ask the question foremost in her mind.